No, I'm not letting you go
by robin daggers
Summary: He let her go because he loves her. She won't let him back in because she loves she child he abandoned. Threats from Barney's work meant that there was only one way to protect his pregnant wife five years ago. Thing was, he didn't expect to be coming back.
1. Prologue

_Hello again! Here I am stupidly starting another full-length fic. I started writing this over summer. I know this sort of idea has been done before, but hopefully not in this exact way. This is AU and certainly not something I would ever, ever want to happen on the show. The tone is going to be very different to the characters we know on the show because of what they will go through. _

_Please leave a review telling me if you think I should continue and that this is worth a shot, because I'm honestly not sure. I'm so iffy about angst writing, and I don't want to be a let down here :S_

_So reviews are greatly appreciated! Thankyou, and please tell me if I should post more or not. Hope you like it :)_

* * *

She allowed her face to conceal her hands, tears streaming down her face and catching in the creases of her palms. Mascara clogged her eyelashes as she continued to cry, body curled up as her entire frame shook helplessly. She briefly paused for air, not daring to open her eyes. Not daring to even look at the world.

Robin couldn't stand knowing that this was real. Oh, god. This was _real. _

She wasn't going to wake up from this nightmare any second, clutching her elbows in a cold sweat. There would be no wave of relief when she realized that this was all nothing more than a bad dream.

This was happening.

She'd already pinched herself enough times to know that this was unfeigned. Red and pink blotches would litter her skin by tomorrow, however she doubted that she would have removed her face from her hands by then to look.

There was this sinking feeling. All over her- not just in her stomach. The feeling spread to every inch of her body. It felt as though her own skin was weighing her down. Any time she'd boasted about herself, her looks, her life, seemed bitterly ironic now. She'd give everything not to be herself.

Damnit, she was meant to be strong. Stuff like this wasn't meant to affect her, was it?

She didn't know. She didn't know how she was meant to react, how she was meant to go from here. That perhaps she really might close her eyes and wake up to find Barney's arms draped at all angles over her upper body in a lazy attempt at spooning. Or maybe her cheek would be pressed to his chest, with his chin a fraction above her head. She would be able to hear his heart, and his hands would be secure on her back.

If he had a heart. Because honestly, the man she knew for eight years, the man she fell in love with, the man she married, would not be capable of this.

Wouldn't be capable of leaving her alone and pregnant.

Was she simply gullible? Had her years in New York made her loose her street senses? This guy, this blonde man with suits and sleazy lines, had completely got the better of her. Because she really had believed he was in love with her.

All those years she'd been afraid of loving someone for the very reason that she'd be left alone. Admitting she could love somebody was the most difficult, yet real thing she'd ever done. She had felt so safe with him, so adored. Her flaws didn't matter to him. She wasn't that scared, ice cold girl that arrived from Canada years previously. He melted her. It was cheesy, unlikely and extremely nauseating, but he had.

When they were together, she wanted to make it work. She cared about compromise and honesty and all the crap that used to make her want to drill a hole all the way to the other side of the world whenever anybody started talking about it.

She wanted a marriage, not just a wedding. And they had one… and damnit if it hadn't been awesome. Laser-tag on their anniversaries, fine scotch tasting, ridiculous surprises and holidays accenting almost every few months. Literally, it had been dream like. They were still human, and they still had their arguments and the odd night spent with one of them sulking on the couch, but it worked.

It worked because they loved each other.

So she thought, at least.

What she _never_ thought that the man that held her on that rooftop, actual tears glistening in his blue eyes as he asked her to marry her, and immediately whispered 'I love you' into her brown curls as their lips met, would be capable abandoning her in a _letter._

And then there was the kid. Robin was terrified of opening her eyes for another reason, too. There was a significant bulge in her middle that indicated pregnancy.

It was a few weeks ago that she had started to come around to the idea of a little Barney and Robin taking residence in her womb.

She wasn't meant to have kids. So of course the shock that she felt when she found out wasn't entirely optimistic. She was terrified. She'd been drinking pretty heavily a good way into the first few months of unknown pregnancy, and had been petrified for the baby, inundated with worries that she was going to be a bad mother to her son or daughter.

Barney, on the other hand, had been ridiculously excited by his impending fatherhood. He took every opportunity to make sure she was comfortable and happy. Despite the anxiety she felt, it was hard not to join in with his gleeful anticipation, and it was hard not to grab a marker pen and start circling heaps of items from the multiple catalogues he had very quickly acquired.

She had decided that they could do this. Check ups had proven that the baby was just fine, and she knew that she could do this if she had him. A team. No longer were they lone wolves; Barney and Robin were going to be parents. And scary as it was, she knew that it could be pretty darn awesome.

Now, though, she was horrified by the bump, knowing that this wasn't a game. This wasn't some doll they had been shopping for. It was a child. Her own child, who was going to grow up fatherless. The sinking feeling grew even heavier as it occurred to her that she'd have to raise it on her own.

And now nothing could be about her. The pain, the anger, the aggression and the downright desperation she was feeling towards her life couldn't even be channeled because she was no longer her own top priority. She had to take care of the kid. One she honestly didn't even know if she could want anymore. Fear flooded her, realizing that she might not love it. Might even resent her own baby.

No. No, no _no_.

She could not let herself view her baby as a parasite. That was the worst possible scenario.

Neither could she hate herself, either. Because she was essential to the survival of her fetus. Half of her knew what she had to do, and the other half was sure she wasn't capable of getting up everyday and letting herself become a slave to carrying out normal life, preparing for this future after her husband was gone.

But people broke up all the time. They carried on. They were strong. She couldn't become this pitiful, self-indulgent person she so desperately wanted to be in this moment. She had no idea to what extent she would even let herself feel sad.

Another sob wrecked her body, causing her to curl further into herself. Her shoulders were moving up and down so fast, finding it impossible to catch the air. She opened her eyes and took deep breaths, attempting to soothe herself.

_You're not just you, anymore. _She informed herself. _When you let yourself slip, you're dropping something that has no control over the fall._

She decided then that _she_ would have to take control. She could not allow herself to fade away, let anxiety and panic take over. That choice was oh so appealing, but she couldn't. Her whole life, she'd been strong. She'd been strong and she was going to be that again now.

But as she fixated her watery gaze on a spot of the wall, she couldn't help but hear the same words running through her head again and again. Words of her father, something he'd said to her when she was just 8 years old. She'd told him she hated him for making her go hunting. He'd thrown all of her dresses away, using them as bait for wolves. Tearful and bitter, she'd screamed abusive words at him for the first time. Afterwards, she had expected rage, but none came.

Instead, he sat her down in his study, air somewhat clouded with the overpowering scent of expensive cigars. He looked her straight in the eyes and said "RJ, if you keep going the way you are, you will never amount to anything. Nobody will ever tolerate you. If you are weak and if you let your emotions lead you then you will never stop being a disappointment."

The last line was the worst though.

"_You will end up on your own_."

On her wedding night, she'd finally been able to banish those words from her mind for what was meant to be forever. Barney's lips had brushed over her and she'd simply known. He was wrong. That bastard of a man was wrong. She was so loved, so surrounded by friends and family. She was a highflying journalist with a host of supportive co-workers. She had amounted to a lot. And she was certainly not alone.

Funny thing was, as she sat there, numbness settling across her, it struck her that her father had been right all along.

* * *

The cold, crisp air of the Manhattan morning skimmed along Barney's skin. He straightened his tie calmly, following the act up with a brush of his lapels as he continued walking.

A breeze nipped at his skin, tingling against his gloveless hands so he could really feel the cold. He had decided to walk to the airport, giving him time to think about everything he didn't want to think about. That one thing that he could not bring himself to reflect, but would obviously plague him for however long he had left.

He sighed, watching the marks his breath made in the winter sky as he breathed out. He had no clue how he was meant to be thinking.

There was hardly an online help forum for 'how to leave your pregnant wife.'

The soles of his shoes felt about ten more paces in the right direction. Perhaps there was a helpline, but he wasn't going looking for it. Even if there were, there certainly wouldn't be any guidelines for how to deal with his situation.

Hell, he didn't even know what his situation was.

But the worst part of it was that he was almost at peace with it. The fact that in a few hours, he'd be leaving the airport he was currently headed towards, leaving the city and leaving everything he'd ever cared about to walk to his death. Yeah, he was pretty sure this was his death.

And the most alarming bit was how completely calm he was. Strolling the streets like it could be any other morning, whilst Robin read the words that he honestly had no idea what to do to her. She could have woken up at any second, and be reading them, crying over them.

At the last moment, he had been so tempted to screw up the letter he wrote. To grab her by the hands and tell her the truth. For her to listen, for him to be able to say goodbye properly. Kiss her, promise her he was doing this because he loved her, because he loved the awkward bloating of her lower stomach where their kid was currently growing.

He wanted her to do what she always did and make it better. All the hard stuff, she made okay just by existing.

That was why he had to keep her existing.

He made his work problems such a joke within the group. Refusing to tell them what he did, acting all the time like it was some big prank. In reality, it was so much more. He was wrapped up in some extremely shady stuff. He never really let himself think anything of it. It was easier to ignore what was actually going on during transactions- shred the paperwork and let the paychecks keep rolling in. Never in a million years would he have expected things to change.

He wouldn't have seen a blow up like this coming.

One of their biggest contracts fell through, basically devastating the country. Korea was threatening them. They threatened one guy Barney worked with, demanding that he flew out to their base immediately. GNB brushed it off, laughing. How many angry contract holders demanded retribution? Almost all.

So they didn't think anything of refusing. Only, the next week, that guy found his wife and 3 kids dead. By the time Barney could get his head around that, the guy didn't work there anymore. In fact nobody had seem him. The news didn't report on it. Nobody dared question it. Like he'd never been real.

There was a sinking feeling in his gut that the two of them might be reunited by the end of the plane journey.

When the company called his name, it couldn't have come at a worse time.

A few months ago, Robin found out she was pregnant.

It came completely out of the blue. 3 years into their marriage, they hadn't once given the 'kids' thing a second thought. Neither of them discussed having a baby, or any follow up of Robin's infertility. Sure, they knew there were ways they could have a baby if they wanted to. It just wasn't them. But then she was there, trembling nervously on the couch clutching a test.

He'd kissed her. Because damnit, he'd wanted kids since he _was_ a kid. His promiscuous adult life had made him forget most of that stuff, but if anybody could rekindle those feelings, it was one Robin Scherbatsky.

His instincts had kicked in, immediately proving her with a constant, unwavering supply of comfort and support. More than anything, he was there to tend to her needs and discuss her insecurities. That was what he wanted. Well, and to shop for some miniature suits and ballgowns, because after all, their baby would have to be dressed up to the nines as soon as Robin hit nine months, he had informed her.

She'd laughed like music.

Now, he wasn't going to get to meet the kid. It was crushing him to know it, but he had to remind himself why. It was his fault that his job was what it was. It was him that pressed the buttons, made the calls and took part in a good half of the things the company abroad was angry about. He was going to have to pay the price.

But not her. And certainly not the baby.

He blinked rapidly and kept walking, determined not to break down. He could not break down. That wasn't fair. He didn't get to do that. If he let it go, put his feelings above Robin's safety, then she could end up dead. Her death was the one thing he could never let happen.

Here he was. The guy who wanted to make every night awesome. Sung songs went on adventures and turned up in disguises and costumes, bragging righteously about conquests. Coming up with anything he could to provide amusement. And now that was all going to be over.

He had to keep telling himself that sure, it was letting little Tommy Lahey beat him in the laser tag league that bothered him most. Not the fact that Robin might even hurt herself due to what he'd written.

A low seed of horror rippled across him at that thought. He would have to trust that she wouldn't do that. He would have to trust that the beautiful, incredible woman that he loved wouldn't do anything to harm herself when they had a baby to think about.

God, he wished his note could've been kinder. It couldn't, though. It had to be realistic. If the company came searching for evidence, they had to believe that he'd actually left her. They were smart. Powerful. They'd be able to see through almost any ploy. He couldn't leave any possible clue to be decoded, any scrap of romance or remorse in that letter if he wanted his wife to survive this.

He had to be heartless. Lie his way through the vilest set of words he'd ever penned and leave them for her to read on her own.

He let his thumb rub his eye, preventing the tears forming to leak down. He bit his lip hard until he could taste blood, so desperate to let himself crumple in the middle of the road.

He didn't. He had to be strong.

Strong like Robin.

* * *

Next to her on their chrome sheets sat an abandoned letter, ripped in the corners with fingermarks already causing strains in the paper. It was face down against the sheets were she wouldn't have to see his handwriting should she glance at it. Right now, she couldn't bring herself to move it. It hurt too much to know that earlier this morning he'd written and touched it.

Black handwriting inked the words:

_Robin,_

_I know this is going to be hard to read, but I'm leaving you. I'm sorry it's had to come to this, but you and me just isn't enough anymore. Again, this is going to be hard, but I've had an affair. A few, if you know what I mean. I know how wrong cheating is, but I couldn't help it. I guess I'm just not cut out for the monogamy thing. _

_So with that in mind, I'm sorry I married you. I shouldn't have proposed unless I really loved you. I thought I did, Robin. I said it enough times, but they were empty words. I knew something was wrong after you said yes. I kept telling myself that if I said it enough times and did enough romantic gestures then I'd start to feel it._

_I didn't. The baby brought that to light. I know I acted excited but I was just scared. I can't be a Dad. And I don't think I love you. Maybe I did once, back when we first dated, but getting back together was me trying to prove that I could love again. And I couldn't._

_It isn't fair to stay with you because I'd probably end up walking out sooner or later. Sooner seemed better. _

_It's bad you had to find out this way, but for the best. I'm moving away today. You can do whatever you want with my stuff. Burn it, sell it, whatever makes you feel better. But you won't see me again. Don't try to find me, because I don't want to see you. Please don't try to make me come and be a father to that thing because I can't be. I won't be a good one. I left you some money in our bank but I doubt you'll take it. If you do, it's enough to cover 18 years. I hope you use it._

_Look after yourself if you can. And I really am sorry we didn't work out the way you wanted. _

_Barney_

Those were the words that would never really leave her.


	2. Birthdays

_Thankyou all so much for reviewing chapter one and being so nice! I was really unsure about this fic but now I think I'm going to continue it, so thankyou again for the motivation. It cheers me up so much and makes me want to write more, so please keep reviewing. :D_

_This chapter has a large time jump, as indicated in the summary. Chapter one was the prologue. I'm going to throw flashbacks into chapters so we can see how it was for both of them being apart, but the main story is about them getting to know each other again. But it is going to take a while, and is NOT going to be easy. This is an M for a reason. I hope you all enjoy :)_

* * *

Shrill cries filled the room at the exact second Robin clamped her eyes shut. Refusing to release Lily's hand, which was tight in hers, she used every piece of strength she had in her to resist from opening them again. She forcefully turned her head away from the source of the noise, praying that she would be able to go through with her decision.

She was still recovering from the intense pain that had rippled through her core a few minutes previously. There had been no exaggeration on anybody's part when they said that childbirth would be the most painful thing she'd ever have to go through.

Nothing prepared her for how mind numbingly excruciating contractions would be. And nothing prepared her for the little voice in the back of her mind that would continuously tell her that there was meant to be a _reward_. Once the pain had subsided, or even when it hadn't, she was meant to forget that it ever existed when she looked at her newborn.

That was what was meant to happen. She was meant to become a mother.

Except she'd already made up her mind that a mother was something she just could not be.

If Barney got to back away from his responsibility as a father, then why the hell should she have to give up the rest of her life to raise _their_ baby? One that he'd called 'that thing' in the letter Lily tried so hard to stop her from rereading.

Frankly, it wouldn't matter if Lily threw it away, since the words were already seared onto her mind. Barney hadn't loved her. Their entire marriage he'd been acting.

Every time he held her, every time he kissed her… everything had been lies.

She'd been tricked.

He never loved her. Not really.

And what hurt the most was how exposed she had been. She'd given Barney everything. She'd loved him as unconditionally as she knew how. She'd given him her body in ways that she wished she hadn't, considering that the whole time he'd been laughing on the other side of his face. One moment, he'd been inside her, kissing her and telling her how much she meant to him. And the next he'd be in some slut who had no idea that he was married, and using her.

Then again, it turned out he was using her in the end, too.

So how was she supposed to be a mother? How could she trust herself with that? Despite whatever else she felt, she didn't know how she was going to provide for the baby. She was a mess. A complete and utter mess.

All her time was spent in a variety of completely toxic and unhealthy ways. Crying. Staring at the ceiling in the dark. Hating Barney. Hating herself. Hating herself for hating herself, because shouldn't she be feeling blessed? She was pregnant. She was supposed to be on cloud nine. This was a miracle, wasn't it?

Some women would kill to be in her position after finding out they wouldn't be able to conceive, and yet here she was, ungrateful as ever.

She started suffering from panic attacks. Feeling the baby kick terrified her. It reminded her that there was life inside her, a little her and Barney. And with one half of Robin-and-Barney gone, she was all that life had. Feelings that were meant to spur joy simply didn't. She panicked that they didn't. Robin didn't want to be abnormal. She wanted to be _right. _

Not loving the little kicks… it felt wrong. She was wired wrong, somehow. And then the panic started to set in. Constant anxiety that she was going to mess this up, that she was going to mess the kid up. Her father's words would buzz around her head. Barney's letter would repeat itself, and she wouldn't be able to take it. Her windpipe would feel like it was crushing itself. Air would become heavier. The whole room would grow dizzy, and after the hyperventilation dulled, her first thought would be that she might hurt the baby.

Her own selfishness.

As they got worse, she only felt more trapped within herself. Trapped by this baby. Nothing was worse than the days she felt like the baby was a mistake. Whenever those thoughts entered her mind, she wanted to cry. Only she couldn't, because the panic that would ensue might only hurt the baby more.

She wanted to stop being self-centered, but she couldn't.

So she decided that she would have to give it up. Talking it over with Lily and the gang, who had been nothing but supportive, allowed her to conclude that adoption would be best. They had done everything they could to help by make plans and trying to persuade her that she wouldn't want to say goodbye to her baby. But, in the end, Robin was set in her plan.

That way, the baby could have a family. It's own father had said he didn't want to know it. And she was a wreck. What if one day, she woke up and decided she just couldn't do this anymore?

Robin wasn't stable. Her child deserved stability, and she was damn sure that if she couldn't provide it herself, she would have to find a way.

She also knew that the moment she saw it, she wouldn't be able to give it up.

Each feel-good film she'd ever seen showed how amazing- how exhilarating it was to hold your baby for the first time. She knew that experiencing that feeling would be too much. Knowing that the person in her arms was hers, her kid… she'd need to keep it. Look after it. And she knew in her heart that there was someone out there who could do a better job of it.

Thus, she wouldn't look. She had told Lily, who agreed instantly to be there for the birth. Lily had been desperately persuasive that Robin would at least hold the baby, but Robin said no. She was adamant.

But now, those cries continued to echo around the suddenly cold hospital room, and Robin felt herself caving.

Her past self would have found those cries highly irritating, yet there was a part of her stirring that thought they were a tiny bit incredible.

(There was also the part of her that still loved Barney. Never stopped, and never would. That part wanted to see what her and her husband had made. If it was a boy, or a girl. Brunette or blonde. She wanted to hold it and love it, and for him to be beside her making bad jokes and dirty puns at the most inappropriate of times. Because that was him. That was them.)

Again, she reminded herself that the scene she wanted wasn't going to happen.

Perhaps… just maybe, it would be too painful to see a child that looked exactly like him. Be reminded all over that her marriage was a lie.

The person she loved didn't even exist.

As hard as she tried to ignore and block out her surroundings, she could hear Lily's voice above the crying.

"Oh sweetie, she's so beautiful."

_She. _

Robin swallowed, shaking. She became award of the sweat that coated her, sticking her hair to her face.

"Robin, please hold her."

When asked if she wanted to know the gender, Robin said no. Finding out would make it even harder to deal with. By then it had already been agreed that she would get an adoption. Hence discovering the gender would only tempt Robin towards the plethora of baby items that were on sale everywhere she turned. Already she'd been enticed by teddies, adorable onsies and blankets. There were so many things that she and Barney had already picked out for the baby. But she hadn't purchased any.

Except one plush puppy. It had stared at her longingly from the window, brown eyes deep. In a fit of hormonal rush, she bought it before she could psychoanalyze things.

She was still going to get an adoption. That was what was best. She wasn't abandoning the baby. She was giving it the best chance.

The best possible chance.

However, she didn't know who was holding her daughter. Was it a doctor? Some nurse. Even Lily. With her eyes stuck together with a mixture of clammy sleep and tears, she had no clue what was happening. However, she was aware that her kid was crying. And best chance or no best chance, it was a mother's job to protect. Try to stop crying and pain.

So she opened them. Just for a second, she promised her enraged conscience. Simply to check that all was well. That the kid was doing ok, somewhere.

She was very small. Delicate, defenseless, and squirming around in a pink blanket with a white hat. A midwife was holding the baby, rocking her up and down, staring forlornly at Robin.

"Mrs. Stinson."

"Scherbatsky." Lily immediately corrected, eyes full of horror. She was terrified of what hearing the name, and callback to her old life, would do to her best friend. Hell, even to her, since she was in no way willing to forgive Barney for walking out on Robin, and walking out on her, too. Not a word to any of his friends. No sorry, no goodbye.

She hated his guts.

"Ms. Scherbatsky," the midwife apologized, now more tentative. "You can still change your mind."

Robin's lip quivered, watching the bundle from the corner of her eyes. She was shaking uncontrollably on the hospital table. Lily felt like her heart was breaking to see Robin like that. The Canadian had always been so strong. A determined woman, insisting on independence. It killed her to see her looking so destroyed.

But Lily also knew that holding her baby would change that. Yes, Robin was broken at the moment. But she also knew how much Robin cared for her daughter, and how determined she'd be to be a god mom. Lily wouldn't be rooting for this if she weren't sure Robin had it in her.

"No." Robin's voice was small. Her intonation sounded weak, cracking on the single syllable. "No, no I can't. Please, I can't." She attempted to move back and forth to comfort herself, but couldn't manage it. Her body was too tired and wrought for the attempt.

"You asked for a closed adoption, but she hasn't been placed yet. There is still a chance."

Her head shook. "I can't."

Now it was Lily's turn to talk. "Robin, just hold her. At least hold her."

"No. Lily, please." Her entire face crumpled.

"You'll always regret it if you don't." Lily insisted, removing her hand from Robin's in order to clear her face from hair. Her friend closed her eyes upon the contact, yet Lily waited for them to reopen. Green met blue as she continued. "You can do this."

"But I can't. What if I mess her up?"

"And what if her adoptive parents mess her up?"

She hadn't thought of that.

"They won't. They'll place her with someone good. They always do."

"But what if it falls through? And she ends up in the foster system."

A sharp intake of breath was drawn. "She won't."

"She could." Lily was blunt.

"I won't let her."

"Exactly. Because you love her and you are her mother."

"I don't have any of the stuff. She won't have a crib, or a… diaper thing. I don't even know half the stuff she needs! I have nowhere to live."

"You're staying in the spare room of our place at the moment. She can sleep in Marvin's old crib. Marshall can get it ready for when you two come home. As soon as we do, we can sort her out with buying her own things. Until then she can borrow all that stuff, and Leia's old things, too."

Robin's lip wobbled. She couldn't believe that she was actually considering this. All of it sounded so plausible coming from Lily. But there were reality checks. This wasn't as easy as it was being made out.

"Lily, we can't just do that." She began, but was cut off.

"Why not?"

"Because… where would we live? We can't be your lodgers forever."

"There's a house going just next door. And a couple more on our street."

"I can't afford a house, Lily!" Robin breathed, almost too exhausted to have the discussion, and very aware of the crying and the fact that she still hadn't held her daughter.

"Yeah, you can." Lily was cautious of the topic usually. In this case, though, it was necessary. "Barney's money."

"No. I told you. I'm not using it. I don't want his pity funds. Not after what he's done."

Lily sighed. She completely understood, but that money really could help them. "Don't let him win. You aren't giving in by using his money. You're taking an advantage. You're giving her the best chance, like you said. There's a whole pile of cash waiting for you. Robin, take it. Buy a house. Buy the supplies she needs. I know you didn't want to check the balance, but there is a lot of money._ Crazy_ a lot."

"It said 18 years." Robin assumed it would be a basic sort of child benefit. Bare minimums to get by.

"Barney's version of 18 years isn't like most people's." Lily said softly. For the first time, the name didn't send Robin into a panic attack. She felt calm. Almost at peace with it. She had been left. Fine. He didn't love her. He cheated on her. She had to deal with it.

She wasn't going to panic anymore. She couldn't.

"I want to hold her."

A few seconds later, a warm, blanket clad creature was placed in Robin's arms, still hollering her head off.

Petrified, Robin looked at her. At the baby she was so determined she wasn't going to keep, wasn't going to get attached to, wasn't going to let herself fall in love with.

But in the instant she looked at her daughter, those pledges she had made flew out of the window.

She was completely in love.

A surge of fierceness took her over. Suddenly, she wasn't sad that Barney left her. She was angry. How _dare_ he leave this baby?

She was so beautiful. The most exquisitely perfect thing she had ever laid her eyes on. Gently leaning down to kiss the baby's forehead, Robin felt huge smile break across her face for the first time in months.

"I love her." She stated, almost shocked. Lily noticed the joy in her voice. She broke her gaze away from the baby, and turned to Lily. "I love her so much." She beamed.

"So you're going to keep her?" Lily asked hopefully. Please. Please say yes.

"Of course I'm keeping her. She's my baby. How can I not keep her? She's so small… and she needs me. She needs her mother to love her. That's what she needs." Robin whispered.

Taking a break from wailing, the baby opened her eyes. They were bright blue, almost exactly Barney's. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt the way she imagined. She wasn't the slightest bit resentful. Instead, she felt a fresh wave of love.

"She looks just like you!" Cooed Lily, admiring the tiny features. Robin nodded.

"Barney's eyes, though."

"Does that bother you?" Lily mused.

"How could it? She's flawless." Robin smiled, stroking her cheek.

"Hey, she stopped crying too. You're getting good at this already."

The brunette woman seemed pleasantly surprised. "Am I?"

Lily grinned. "You are."

Robin thought about the words, and let herself get lost in the blue eyes. She realized how completely worn out her body was, how tired and downright delirious she was. Although she was feeling alive. Since Barney left her, it had almost been like there was a cloud resting above her, that she couldn't shake.

Her entire body felt less weighted. Her head felt looser.

_I'm going to protect her from anything_, Robin thought.

"Yeah," She had a softer smile, gaze glued to the little person she was holding. "Yeah, I am."

The baby started to screw her face up again, ready to cry, but Robin made shushing noises, holding her securely and lovingly. "Ssh. Hey, hey."

It seemed to work, and the baby squinted her eyes open.

"Everything's going to be ok."

* * *

Five years later

* * *

Robin Scherbatsky smoothed down her outfit in front of the full-length mirror. She was wearing a slate colored sweater with a gold zip at the back, accompanied by black jeans. A simple pendant hung around her neck, and her feet sat comfortably in the sheepskin slippers that she normally wore around the house.

Today was her daughter's fifth birthday.

Over the past month, Robin had turned all her attentions to planning the day. She was determined that it be perfect. Cara was shy, so would be unlikely to want a huge party, however had drawn up a short list of the friends she did wish to invite. Of course, her Uncles, Aunts and Cousins would be joining them, but apart from that, the whole affair would be pretty small.

Which was okay as far as Robin was concerned. Although it had improved dramatically over the years, extremely large crowds could still trigger the panic attacks she used to experience.

They used to occur frequently whilst she was pregnant, which was bad for the baby. The doctor suggested a stint of bed rest in later months, in an attempt to salvage her health, however this simply deepened the depression she found herself spiraling into.

Pushing those thought to the back of her mind, she padded over to the door of her bedroom and down the hallway towards Cara's room. The door was white, with a sign spelling out her name.

She was still asleep in her bed, dark brown curls spilling out from the white blankets and pillows. With her was one of her toys, a soft, cream colored puppy named Woof. Woof looked in danger of being suffocated with the ferocity of the current hug he was pulled into. Cara slept with a small smile; Robin knew how excited she was for her birthday.

"Morning, baby." Robin whispered gently, stroking a strand of chestnut hair affectionately. Cara elicited a small grumble, shuffling further into the sheets. This made Robin chuckle as she nudged her again. "It's your birthday." She encouraged, hoping this would get some sort of reaction.

"Birthday?" her voice was muffled under the duvet.

"Birthday." Robin affirmed.

Quickly, Cara stuck her head out, blue eyes lit up. "Presents?" She questioned, still tired, but appearing much more alert than she was seconds previously.

"Yup, there'll be presents."

Cara now threw the covers off, sitting up to reveal her green stripy pajamas. Green was her favourite colour. According to her, it was the colour of nature, which was one of her favourite things. She grinned at her mother.

"G'morning Momma."

"Morning baby. You want some pancakes?"

"Yes please!" She exclaimed, accidentally leaving Woof on her pillow and running excitably through to the kitchen.

Robin smirked, standing up to make the bed before joining Cara in the kitchen.

After Cara was born, Robin lived with Marshall and Lily for the first few months. She continuously apologized for the inconvenience. But both assured her that they were simply happy to see her looking better. Marvin was thrilled to have the baby in the house, having been begging for a younger sibling. Everyone helped to look after Robin and make sure she wasn't feeling self destructive around Cara.

Ted and his wife Bella came round as often as they could to help out. Eventually, Robin was persuaded to use Barney's money strictly for Cara's things, and she soon accumulated her own toys, clothes and other items. Then Lily started to help her look to relocate. As she mentioned, many of the houses on her street were available, however even with the Eriksen's nearby, Robin still didn't feel comfortable alone in a big house.

So they stayed where they were for another few months. Until the seemingly prefect opportunity arose. One of the houses on Lily and Marshall's area was being converted into apartments. They would only be a few doors down, and Robin wouldn't have to worry about managing a large house.

She bought one, and had lived there with Cara ever since.

With Woof safely in her hands, she walked across to the kitchen, where Cara was patiently waiting on the kitchen stool.

"Cara." She began warningly. "What do I keep telling you about sitting on the high chairs without a grown up there?"

Cara pouted. "But… I'm five whole years old. I'm a big girl now. Just like Leia."

"A big girl you may be, but even Leia has to have rules. And one of yours is not sitting on the tall chairs when I'm not here. M'kay."

"Kay. I'm sorry." Cara looked over to the hob where the pancake batter sat, next to a tasty looking spread of chocolate chips, raspberries and maple syrup. "Pancakes?"

"Yes, pancakes. You want double chocolate? Since you _are_ the birthday girl."

Cara described her order, and Robin mixed it into the premade batter before spraying a layer of bottled sunflower oil into the pan. She admired the sound of the batter sizzling as it hit the pan. Behind her, she could hear Cara babbling quietly, probably making up one of the stories she liked to invent. Humming, Robin served the pancake onto one of the pinkest plates they owned and placed it in front of Cara.

"There you are Miss. Scherbatsky. One birthday pancake." Robin smiled, taking a seat opposite. Having already eaten earlier, she wasn't hungry.

"Do you want?" Cara mumbled through a large mouthful, holding out the plate.

"No thankyou. All yours."

"Sure?" Cara questioned again, opening her mouth to reveal a half chewed raspberry. Robin grimaced slightly, but appreciated the sentiment.

"I'm sure. And mouth closed. Disney Princesses do not spit raspberries." Robin called upon one of Cara's obsessions. Robin seemed to spend a large majority of her life engaging in a Disney marathon.

Once all of the pancake was eaten, Robin hurried Cara into the bathroom to get ready for her party, which would be starting in just over an hour, and if she wanted to help put the decorations up, then she had better get dressed quick smart.

* * *

2 hours later, the party was in full swing. Lily, Robin and Bella were leant against the worktop, watching the kids engage in a game of blind man's buff. Amongst the select group of kids from kindergarten, party guests included Luke and Leia Mosby, Marvin Eriksen and his little sister Aubrey, who celebrated her third birthday four and a half months ago. Lily was currently holding baby Daniel, who was sporting a rather fetching tiger onsie.

"Good job. I don't know how you managed all this with no help." Lily tipped her cup of punch cup in Robin's direction before sipping. Bella agreed.

"Yeah, Leia's last birthday had me nearly tearing my hair out. I thought telling her that fairy wishes would always come true might make a magical bedtime story. But of course she had to make a fairy wish that she could have an all pink sparkle party with a giant bouncy castle." All three women shuddered at the memory. There had been a brief moment on that day were they thought the fairy princess they had booked might not make it in time, and that one of them would have to don the costume. A full-scale brawl nearly ensued, but luckily, Twinkle-toes turned up just in time.

"True, true. But lets be fair, Cara only wanted a few people, so we didn't have to hire a place. And I can't take all the credit. She was very eager in her decorating."

The room was adorned with rainbow bunting and paper chains that Robin had stayed up making for the past few weeks. A sea of multicolored balloons decorated the room. The dining table had a fine spread laid out: mini burgers and pizzas, cheese cubes, fish sticks, a plate of fruit (that would probably go untouched), and then a tray of animal cookies and purple frosted cupcakes. Cara's cake was shaped like a cloud this year, since she had recently discovered the sport of cloud watching. Her name was iced with rainbow stripes, and a pink at the end.

Marshall was still busy playing the part of blind man, clawing around the room as the sea of kids hid away from 'Mr. Giant'. Ted was setting up pin the tail on the donkey in the corner for the next game. After a round of that, dinner would be served, followed by Lily's infamous charades.

Casual chatting continued, however halfway through a vague discussion over the cancelation of Woodworthy Manor, Robin felt a tugging at her sweater.

"Hi munchkin. Having fun?" Robin smiled down at Cara. She was wearing one of her best yellow dresses and a white headband, and had been allowed sparkly nail polish especially for the day.

"Yes! So much fun!" She breathed, jumping up and down, evidently hyper. Robin was not looking forward to bedtime. "I was just wondering if I could maybe go to Arianna's for tea soon? Pleeease. 'Cause her birthday was last month and she got new princess dolls and I know I'm unwrapping them later but one of the boxes has Disney wrapping… so could I please please _please_ go Mommy?"

It took Robin a second to decipher the rushed message. She had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes. Of course Cara guessed that present.

"Is that okay with Arianna's mom?" Robin asked.

"Arianna says that her brother is at camp and that she gets to have a friend." Cara told her mother. Robin sighed. She supposed they weren't really doing anything anyway.

"Ok, then I don't see why not. You'd better get back to the game, it looks like Uncle Marshall is getting dizzy."

Sure enough, Marshall was making peculiar noises as he spun in circles, whilst Ted unhelpfully filmed everything on his new smartphone.

In fact, Robin was about to get her own phone out, when she heard the buzzing of the doorbell. Her brow wrinkled.

"I'll get it." Lily offered, but Robin shook her head.

"Nah, you better help Marshall before he squashes Luke." Marshall's spinning had accelerated.

Weaving through some balloons, Robin approached the door. She dumped her punch on a table as she passed. In her head, she mentally added up all the kids. Cara only wanted 6. Scanning the room, she saw her nieces and nephews, and then counted up all of the friends she was aware of. Arianna, Daisy, Madison, Chloe, Brent and Jimmy were present.

Robin frowned. Cara did also invited Rosie Stilinski, however she caught flu a few days before the party. Maybe she was feeling better?

So when she approached the door, swiftly turning the handle, she expected to see a short, freckled girl with dark pigtails. Instead, however, she brushed some cake crumbs off her chest at the exact same time as she opened the door to a blonde in a suit.

He looked a lot older, and dramatically thinner. A deep looking scar was visible on his cheek, but despite all of that, it was unmistakably Barney.

He stared at her, blue eyes somewhat different.

"_Robin_."

She felt everything stop.


	3. Hurt

_The feedback you guys are giving is so lovely and overwhelming! Please keep it coming; I can't even begin to say how happy I get when I see a new review. I was determined to wait until after my exams to write more, but your awesomeness persuaded me. Hope you all like this :) And I promise, however challenging or impossible it seems, hold out for swarkles being reunited in the end. _

_Warnings: references of anxiety, panic and torture/abuse. Be careful if this triggers you; please be safe. xxx_

* * *

She was able to pinpoint the exact second that her whole body seemed to shut down.

Just seeing him, seeing him there after the years she's imagined what it would be like if he came back.

After he first left, she used to pray that he'd come back. She would sit in one of his old shirts, tears streaming down her face, begging the ceiling that this was a big misunderstanding. That somebody else had written the note… or that it was some huge prank gone wrong. That he could come back, scoop her up in his arms and do that disgustingly clichéd thing where he would touch her bump and promise her it was alright. For a while, she was even convinced that she'd dreamt the situation.

She hadn't. More time went by and she felt sadder. Depressed, certainly. Viciously blaming herself; she loathed herself most days. Then would feel so sorry that she ever did, because she had a baby in her, one she should be looking after. As her stomach grew, so did her pain, because she knew it was all amounting to the day where she'd have to give up the last bit of Barney she had to hold on to.

Only, once she decided to keep Cara, everything changed.

She _hated_ Barney Stinson.

She hated him for doing this to her, for making her doubt her love for her child for even a second. She would look at her daughter, peaceful in her crib, and vow that if he ever came back, he would rue the day he did.

Years passed. Her views yo-yoed about. Sometimes, in simple mundane tasks, like if she couldn't sleep, or whilst she was waiting for the shower to warm up, she would think about what she would say if he ever tried to contact her.

She pictured slapping him on several occasions, but knew that what she'd really want to do is yell at him. All those days she felt worthless, he would know about. He would know about all the beautiful moments of their baby girl that he had missed. She'd tell him how empty she had felt when she read that he didn't love her. She'd scream in his face until he wished that he had never been born, because how on earth could he say goodbye to Cara? Before he even knew her.

Many harsh, cruel and powerfully structured speeches were mapped out in Robin's brain. But when she met his eyes, it all came crumbling down.

She forgot all her anger, sadness, bitterness, and frankly, everything that had happened since the last time she saw him. Because his eyes were so piercingly blue, yet they weren't the same eyes. They looked changed. They looked like they had suffered.

Before she could let this _bastard_ ruin Cara's birthday, she quickly slipped out of the door and onto the hallway, slamming it behind them.

The way he said her name… it was a plea.

_Robin._

He needed her, she could tell. She recognized the same desperation with which she had said his name the night he left. And yet why?

She dared to look at him again, feeling thoughts and worries spinning through her brain. Marshall, Lily, Ted and Bella could emerge and see him. The kids were there too. How was she going to explain this to them?

She couldn't let herself fall. There was no way in hell she was going back to the place she had been in 5 years ago.

Suddenly it dawned on her. _Cara. _He was getting nowhere near Cara.

Every piece of the panic started to rise through her, filling her up. It occupied the pit of her stomach up to her chest, bursting to her throat. She couldn't take in the air the same way she could minutes before.

Oh god. _She couldn't breathe_. She couldn't breathe _at all._

"Robin." She was vaguely aware of him saying her name again, voice full of concern. She had no idea what was happening with her body, only she knew she was spacing out. Her head felt horribly tight. She tried to keep focus, but her entire vision was blurring, and the rise and fall of her chest was far, far too fast. Close to screaming, she tried to become more conscious of her surroundings, but soon realized he was touching her.

His hands were in hers like she'd wished for so many times. This was all a nightmare, a horrible, horrible nightmare.

"GET OFF ME." Was all she could manage, tears forming, entire body shaking unbearably. "_DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME._"

She tried to speak more, but she couldn't. Her breathing was so quick and shallow that everything was stopping. However, if she could've heard, she'd have heard him whispering, "It's okay. Please, Robin, it's ok. I'm here. I love you." And then a pause to bring her trembling body into a hug. "I'm here."

She didn't hear, though. Everything started to space out completely. She didn't know how long for, because the next thing she knew, something warm was on her cheek.

She opened her eyes and felt her entire body wrapped up in his. He was rubbing firm circles all over her back, making her feel so secure that she didn't want to let go. She hadn't been held like this… at all… for 5 years. It felt like it did when they were married. And it felt so right.

Except, she reminded herself as she recoiled, it was all wrong. He left her. He didn't contact her for five years, having been well aware that she was pregnant. He cheated on her. He had several affairs. He called their baby a 'thing' and refused to be a father. He told her he faked their relationship.

And now he was holding her in a way she knew couldn't be acting.

Yet who else had she felt that from? Him. All from him. He was the place she learnt how to be in a supportive marriage from. And it was complete crap. Lies and manipulation. There was no way she was letting her guard down again. There was no way she was going to let him turn up out of the blue, ruining poor Cara's birthday party, and holding her in his arms like she'd never left them.

She was on the floor of the apartment corridor. Anybody could walk by. Anybody could come out of the party; frankly, she was surprised nobody had by now. She had no idea if anybody had seen them. And what if Cara was missing her? She was first and foremost a mother. She had no time for whatever he wanted. Probably money, from the state of him.

Examining him properly, she realized that she had never seen him looking such a state. His suit might be high class, but the rest of him was a wreck. He hadn't bothered to shave, and he looked almost dirty. Messy hair, and that cut on his face. It looked deep, and she was pretty sure it was from a fight of some description. That sort of mark didn't appear by accident.

"Robin." He said again, voice thick with what sounded like love, but also apprehension. It snapped her out of whatever stupor she was in. Her self-defenses flew up, and her arms curved around herself as she stood. He offered her a hand, but she ignored it.

"No." She was shaking her head, still not recovering from the panic attack she had just suffered. She was just so darn angry with herself. She hadn't had a panic attack in so long. And she hated them. Despite knowing that they were nothing to be ashamed of, they made her feel so weak. And she never shook the connection to them hurting Cara when she was still pregnant.

"Robin, I know what that letter said, but let me-"

"No." She cut him off again, voice still jittery, but louder. "No, no. You don't get to talk."

"I know," He began, so irritatingly understanding. He doesn't _know_, she thought. How could he? "I know how it seems, but Robin, I promise you, everything in that letter-"

"Broke my heart? Made me hate myself? Made me wonder why you didn't have the courage to tell me you cheated on me to my face?" She was half laughing, but it was dry and humorless. "I could keep going." The nerves disappeared.

"I never wanted you to hate yourself. Robin, I lo-"

"If you're going to say I love you, don't. You don't know what that means. I don't think I do, not in a romantic way. You took what I thought we had away." She spat. Hurt echoed across his face.

"No, no I didn't. You don't understand what actually-"

Robin's whole body changed, then. Whatever emotions she may have forgotten from before came flooding back. He even had the utter audacity to deny it. Claim that she didn't understand. He was the one that didn't understand.

"NO. Don't even DARE say that I don't understand. You are the one." The tears threatened to resurface. "You are the fucking one who did this."

He opened his mouth, but she was faster. She'd had these words on the tip of her tongue for years. This was her chance to talk. He'd had his opportunity, and as a result, she hadn't forgotten what he had to say.

"_You_ are the one who hurt me. You are the one who made me feel like a complete idiot. Whilst I was sat thinking up ways to surprise you or have fun with you, sitting at work daydreaming about seeing you and how much I 'loved' you… you were out banging anything with two legs. And whilst I was sat stroking your hair and telling you all my fears… you were spouting a torrent of total shit about loving me! All the things that kept me going were lies, Barney! You were hopelessly, irretrievably in love with me. Yeah, _sure_." Sarcasm dripped from her voice.

"Did you steal that from Twilight or something? And you couldn't even break up with me to my face. You couldn't even do it in front of me, and I had our baby in my belly. You don't give a flying fuck about our child. Even if you'd rather your band of sluts than your wife, fine, but to walk out on your baby?"

Barney looked like he was about to break. "I'm so sorry." He said, like he'd given up on everything.

"Sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. Sorry isn't enough. You know what you said in your letter? 'Sorry we didn't work out the way you wanted.' Like I was some great big burden dragging you away from the orgy that was your life. Did you fuck girls in our bed? Same place I was sat, popping pre-natal vitamins and leafing through what to expect? Did you get off on it or something?" She was seething rather than shouting. She was well aware that if she shouted, then the party would hear. She was pleased nobody had come to look for her yet.

"Oh my god. Oh my god, Robin." He was almost choking on what sounded like an apology. Good. She wanted to hurt him. He'd hurt her enough… now was her turn. "Please, please listen to me. I never-"

"Never what? Meant to hurt me. That's a joke. Do you know how depressed I got? Do you know how desperate I was to just disappear, and stop being the disappointment that I clearly am. The worst part is that your letter made me not want my baby. I nearly gave up my baby."

"You got an adoption?" He sounded far too concerned for her liking.

"No, I didn't. Because I loved her as soon as I held her, and I've never let that love go, Barney. Because when you love somebody, you _don't let them go_. You just _don't_. And now you waltz in here on her birthday."

"Her." He spoke over her. He seemed to be tearing up. "We…- she's a girl? We- we… have a baby girl?" A huge smile appeared on his face. She wanted to scream when it did. Cara was not his 'baby girl'. Cara was hers. She was the person who raised Cara, loved and supported her. He didn't even know her name. He didn't know anything about her. He left her behind. So he did not get to smile like that, and he did not get to claim any part in Cara's life.

"No. We do not have anything. _I_ have a five year old daughter. And _you_ do not get to spoil her party. So fuck off back to wherever you came from. I don't want to hear your side of the story. Whatever you want, forget it. I stopped owing you anything the minute you walked out."

"Is she in there? Please, please let me see her Robin." He was literally begging.

"Like hell I'm letting you anywhere near her. She is too good to even look at you."

Barney stared at her for what looked like the longest second she'd ever experienced. If she searched hard enough in his blue eyes, she could almost see his heart breaking.

He turned to walk away. Slowly, still fixing his eyes on her. It made her laugh again, cold chuckles resonating around the corridor.

"You know… I never expected it from you."

"What?" He turned around hopefully.

"Walking out on your kid. You know, you did exactly what your Dad did. Only _worse_."

She knew from before that becoming his Dad was his biggest fear.

Before he turned around again, she saw his heart break further.

* * *

4 months earlier

* * *

Barney sat on the floor of his cell. Like always. He stared at the four grey walls in silence. Of course, he had no track of time in there; he gave up on keeping time a while ago. But he knew it had been a long time. Years, definitely. Maybe not as many as he thought. The Korean base he was trapped in was underground. With a windowless cell, there was very little indication of the hours going by.

His first few weeks, he used to count the seconds. After all, there wasn't much else to do. It was difficult not to completely loose all sanity. He was grateful for the walk they were allowed every so often. He had no idea if it was every year or every month. Truthfully, any hour spent in his cell felt like a decade.

He never thought he'd be thankful for somebody injecting god knows what into the back of his neck, shaving his head, binding him in the back of a truck whilst unconscious and driving him to the middle of nowhere for an hours walk in the daylight.

His wounds were healing up though, which he supposed was a plus. He still had scars all over his body, and knew he always would. But after they whipped his cheek and it hit the bone, they eased off. It very nearly got infected, and they didn't want to have to pay for medical attention for him. However, they couldn't let him die, either. They were still convinced he knew stuff. And he probably did. But he wasn't giving anything away. The more he said, the more they'd know about him.

Even entirely unrelated facts, stuff about work, had to be avoided incase it led them to Robin. He was already sure they were keeping tabs on her.

If he divulged anything they didn't like, she could get hurt. Silence and him being punished was better than possibly giving information to ease his pain, and allowing them to inflict any amount of damage on his wife.

Ex-wife, now. Maybe. Marshall was a good lawyer, so perhaps she was clear of their marriage. Well, she didn't think they had a marriage to get out of, after what he wrote. He had no idea what place Robin was in now. Whether she'd moved on, or whether she was desperately miserable over his cruel words. He didn't know which he would prefer.

Of course, he wanted her to be happy. Robin Scherbatsky deserved nothing but happiness and love. Her life had been a shortage of that, and when they married, he swore he'd give her that. Only here he was, covered in wounds and dressings in a cell, barely alive, praying she wasn't too cut up.

Seeing her move on would kill him, but at the same time, he'd be glad she was in a good place. Seeing her miserable, and still thinking about him, would also kill him. Sure, he'd be glad she hadn't forgotten about him. But maybe it would be better all around if she had.

Their baby. He didn't even know if it was alive. He had no clue of the gender. Had she found a way to have an abortion? Did she give the baby up for adoption? Hell, did the stress send her into a miscarriage. He'd never forgive himself if he caused that.

Most of his time was spent thinking about Robin and the baby. He had about a thousand names for her. Or him. It changed daily. Some days, he'd imagine a blonde boy just like him, others, a miniature Robin. Other times, it was a blonde girl with his eyes, or a brown haired boy exactly his wife. He juggled the features in his head, never quite knowing.

He'd think about Marvin, too. And Leia. All of his friends. Each day, he would imagine their day, minute by minute. He'd invent stories for them. It passed the time. He'd devise problems for them, then solve them. He'd play out their milestones in his head.

Robin was his main inspiration.

He thought about her constantly. He was so determined that he wouldn't forget anything about her. Not the curve of her back, not the placement of her freckles. Each part of her face had to remain a perfect picture in his head.

That was one of his fears. It hurt almost as much as beatings when he forgot how his friends looked, when it became harder and harder to picture James, or when he forgot the way his Mom laughed.

Still. He knew he was doing it for her. She was worth it. Robin.

He imagined her pregnant. Or with the baby. Depending on the state of his optimism, sometimes, he'd imagine himself with her. Going through all the important events together, as they should be.

He tried not to overthink things. However, when trapped in a room with nothing but your thoughts, overthinking is one of the only things you can do.

By this point, he was sure he was going to start analyzing and regretting things. He couldn't do that. He was sure he wasn't going to let himself crack. There were been periods during his time here that he'd been so close to giving in. Not that he could; they insisted on keeping him alive. If he had no way out, he wasn't going to let himself loose control. To the best of his ability, anyway.

There had been days where he clawed at his face, wishing it might peel off. There had been days he'd tried to press his head into the wall until his sight started to slide, because it was easier than staring at the dull room. That only resulted in him being tied up.

It was ironic, because in the past, if he was being chained up, it would _not_ be for this.

His life was so different. If what he was currently being forced through could even be called a life.

He just had to keep reminding himself that one day, perhaps, he might get out of this hell. And then he could see her again. If he could see Robin again. He knew she'd be just as beautiful. No matter what had changed, he'd love her. He'd respect whatever she wanted.

He just dreamed of being able to meet his son or daughter. Hold Robin again, just once more.

It was worth the whip that came only occasionally, out of the blue, when new information was desired. It was worth the pitiful meals, the darkness, the limited water and minimal exposure to sunlight. It was worth the panic attacks that came at night where he just wished he had somebody to protect him until it was over. Worth the tears. Worth the days he would stare at his thinner arms and pray that they weren't his anymore. Pray that he could disappear. It was worth the manic episodes that made him want to curl into himself and stop. He simply wanted to stop.

Stopping wouldn't get him back to Robin.

The awesome guy he used to be was gone. In the unlikely event he'd clap eyes on a suit ever again, he didn't know how he'd go back to who he used to be. Humour and catch phrases seemed a million miles away. Straight up, he didn't know how he was even surviving.

Allowing a heavy sigh to escape his body, he shuffled over to the mat and unwelcoming pillow he used as a bed. He laid his tired body down, trying as hard as possible not to think about how much longer he might be prisoner here. He closed his eyes. Sleep didn't come easily, but it was a distraction.

Everything had to be a distraction.

* * *

Suddenly, somebody was awaking him. He smelt an unfamiliar smell, and felt somebody touching him. Panic immediately settled across his body. Oh god.

Nobody had physically hurt him for a while. He had no idea what was coming. Each time, he promised himself he'd be strong. He'd be strong for her. Yet the panic was always that little bit more sturdy. It washed over him, sending small chills to the back of his neck.

What was going to happen to him?

He closed his eyes tight, feeling himself start to hyperventilate. Instead of dragging him up, or forcing his wrists to be bound, the person was carefully helping him. He realized there were two people, actually. They were wearing white.

Glancing around, he drank in his environment. Oh. Oh god, this wasn't his cell.

"How long has he been resting?" Came an authoritative voice.

"Nearly 56 hours. He's been under anesthetic whilst we operated on his wounds, and we've been giving him morphine to help his body relax."

More confusion, predominantly stress, seized him, and he shook. He felt somebody say something about more pain meds, and then a soothing feeling in his back.

An hour later, he woke up. He was in what looked like a hospital. All of his wounds were covered in dressings, and there were a group of nurses and doctors around him. A Caucasian man in a dark, Italian tailored suit sat in front of him, accompanied by a 40 year old blonde woman in a skirt suit and blazer. They both looked very serious, and apologetic.

"Mr. Stinson."

"Where am I?" He immediately panicked. This was surely a dream. He'd wake up facing the dusty ground in second.

"Please, try to stay calm." Now there was another voice. He hadn't seen one of the doctors sit down next to the business-dressed couple. "We've given you some tranquilizers and pain medication."

"I… I don't? I don't understand?"

"I'm Doctor Evan Lukasiak. Ex. Military doctor, I now work for the government. I'm a psychologist. I deal with shock for people who have been in captive circumstances."

"Mr. Stinson. We are going to keep the facts as simple as we can for now, since your body and mental state will not be at their peak. But in short, you have been part of a national scandal. What happened to you was terrorist behavior. The public is unaware of this, and for 3 years, so were we. The past year had been spent planning your rescue. Other men were taken hostage, however did not make it. You were very lucky."

He tried to drink the information in, but his head felt light.

"We cannot begin to imagine or understand what you have been through, which is why Doctor Lukasiak will be taking care of you once our med team are finished with you. You will obviously need psychotherapy. For the next 4 months you will be under psych. evaluation to make sure you are safe to be integrated into society after your traumas. Your body and mentality will need time to recuperate. All expenses will be paid, but you need to be treated on base. We cannot stress how apologetic we are towards your sufferings. Nothing can compensate for the situation you were put in, and valiantly survived, however we will be compensating you millions."

"The psych thing, what's wrong with me?" Barney was scared. He hadn't even thought about the after effects. He imagined if he ever got out, everything would be fine.

"We don't know. We expect you will suffer from some form of shell shock. You have been displaying symptoms of severe anxiety attacks, which can lead to more serious seizures. A lot of stress based illnesses can be triggered such as insomnia, emotional avoidance, depression, dissociation, somatic complaints, social dysfunction and substance abuse."

He stared blankly.

"Try not to be too worried. It is unlikely you will develop all of these symptoms, however our aim during the evaluation is to provide a safe and comfortable atmosphere were you will feel supported and able to come to terms with your situation with professional help. If left unobserved and with no help, you are at danger of developing something more serious such as Neuropsychological impairment or Psychosis."

He swallowed.

"We want to offer you as many ways of helping you as we can. Counseling, meditation, and a range of anti-anxiety drugs will be mandatory. We want to try to keep you off anti depressants if possible. You will continue to have morphine shots for the first month. If you pass the evaluation, you will need to come back for fortnightly check ups, which will become monthly, and eventually yearly. However, if you are indicating that you could be a danger to yourself or others, we will have to recommend longer treatment."

Barney nodded, only taking in half of what was being said.

"Do… does my family know?" Robin. When did he get to see Robin? He was desperate to see her right away, but from what he was hearing, the doctors were right. If he had developed a serious mental illness, and he lashed out at her…

No. He'd have to take that psych test.

"That much is up to you." The man in the suit took over from the doctor.

"As of right now, nobody but our team, yourself and the doctors here know about this. The news is of course huge. We will be releasing it in due course, however matters have to be discussed about how much information we are releasing to the public, since they are entirely oblivious to the scandal. You also are entitled to as much privacy as you desire in the affairs. We do not want to put anybody at risk here. We can assure you that you are now completely safe. No harm will come to you or your family. I understand you were married."

"Yeah." He muttered. "Yeah. She was pregnant… when I left."

"When you left GNB, you asked for your wife's files to remain classified. To all. It was an extremely difficult procedure."

"I know a guy." Barney said quietly.

"I have her files here; they remain unread. We can alert her immediately, with your permission, and you can speak to her over the phone. However we cannot authorize you to see her until you have passed the psych evaluation and are physically striving."

"I…- I don't want her file. I… need to see her face to face." He couldn't do this over the phone. Or read some cheat paper filling him in on all he'd missed. She didn't get that. So why should he? Besides, he needed to see the baby in the flesh. Or child. Now the baby would be grown up. He had no idea how old.

"How many years have I been?" He murmured, eyes fluttering in and out of focus.

"5. You've been away 5 years Mr. Stinson." They continued to bombard him with information about the date, the year, and all he had missed, but by then, everything was a complete haze.

He was crystal clear about one thing, though.

He was going to see Robin again.

Just to see her. Tell her the truth. Tell her how desperately he loves her. How she's inspired every moment.

See her smile.

His entire heart swelled at the memory as he drifted into a drug-fueled sleep, lighting up everything that had been dark and dead inside of him for 5 years.

He was coming home.

* * *

Present

* * *

Still trembling, Robin twisted the doorknob and re-entered the apartment.

Although it was the exact same place it had been before, the whole room was different. All that cheerful, rainbow bunting wasn't so bright anymore.

Everything had a darker current. The emotions she'd buried for years were bubbling to the surface. The fears that once controlled her could get to her again.

She pushed all that from her head. Trying to ignore the entire conversation with Barney. This was Cara's day. Nobody was spoiling that.

Wiping her eyes, she was glad to see that the kids had graduated to the dining room; she could see the open door. Remnants of a pin the tail on the donkey board were visible. She blundered towards the dining room when Lily emerged, holding a tray of empty orange juice glasses.

"Where were you? I marched them all to the food because they were getting hungry and rowdy. I hope you don't mind. Don't worry, I saved the cake though, there was no way Cara was going to have her cake without her Mom there-" Lily placed the tray down and turned to face Robin, who's lip was quaking.

She observed the pink rims of her friend's eyes. Lily was no stranger to Robin's bad days. She hadn't seen Robin like this for years.

"Sweetie what's wrong?" Lily could tell something was amiss. The cups were abandoned as she raced towards Robin, enveloping her in a hug.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." She dismissed, voice unfortunately weak sounding. Lily broke off from the hug, holding Robin at arms length.

"Really?" Lily asked, having none of Robin's deflections. Robin started to nod in agreement, but her head instead twitched from side to side. Her juddering lip moved a bit too much, and then the dam broke. She crumbled in Lily's arms.

"Oh, sweetie what happened?"

"Nothing." Robin immediately retracted. She remembered what was happening. As deliciously warm and comforting as Lily's hugs were, she couldn't stay there. Cara couldn't see her upset. Robin walked over to the sink and splashed her face with cold water. "Nothing."

"Who was at that door?" Lily placed her hand firmly on the counter.

"Like I said, nobody. Just some annoying… um, door salesmen. They gave me a lot of trouble, that's why I took so long. So, let's get the cake then." She presented her best fake smile.

"They're still eating their savory food." Lily was not falling for that. Something serious had happened. "Where's the poop, Robin."

She rolled her eyes.

"Was it Aidan? Did he break up with you?" That was all Lily could think.

"No, no. It wasn't Aidan. We're good." Robin dismissed that idea immediately.

"Ok… then… Is it work? Why would they make a house call… wait, I swear to god if they fired you after how hard you've worked for them…"

"No! No they have not fired me!" Robin exclaimed.

She still worked at WWN. She had been given a longer maternity leave on grounds of anxiety. They gave her back her old research job to do at home. It was lower pay, but she took it. This continued until Cara was a little older, and Robin herself was in a better place. She returned to work. Eventually, her anchor replacement got a transfer job to their station in Australia. They had family there and were eager for the switch.

Her bosses remembered that she was one of the most popular anchor's they had ever had. Nobody had forgotten her helicopter escapades, or any of the work she'd done since.

So they offered Robin her old position back, which she of course accepted. She did her research from home, and Lily often watched Cara when Robin was recording the news. Her art consultant job was flexible.

"So what then? Why are you so upset?" Lily implored.

"I'm not." She'd had time to compose herself. She was not about to have this conversation at her daughter's fifth birthday. "Let's do this later. Get the cake."

Lily assisted Robin in refilling the juice cups in silence. Both women then sorted out putting candles in the cake for when it was ready to be brought through. Both also knew that the conversation was far from over.

* * *

Later that evening, once all the presents were open and the guests were gone, Cara sat happily in Robin's lap on her bed.

"I really get another movie?" Cara grinned excitedly. She and Robin were having a 'bed picnic' as a treat. On Cara's plate sat some mini cheese, some ham, a pile of grapes and carrot sticks, then a large slice of birthday cake. In Robin's pocket were some sweets for if Cara wanted any afterwards.

Robin finished her own meal quickly, and was stroking Cara's hair as her daughter flicked through the selection of movies they had on Netflix with her remote.

"Can it be another princess one?" Cara asked shyly. They'd already watched 'Tangled', and 'Sleeping beauty'. Normally Robin only allowed one. In the case of two films, she'd ask for it to be balanced out with a Disney animal movie.

"Yes, baby. You pick."

"M'kay. Can it be The Little Mermaid?"

Robin smiled. She loved watching that film with Cara. It reminded her of when she used to watch it with Katie. Cara also knew it was her Mom's favourite.

"Course it can. Now, do you think Ariel wants to watch?" Robin gestured to one of Cara's presents. Robin bought her one of the deluxe sets, with an option for a mermaid tail and several dresses, with a specially bought plush flounder toy. She also bought Cara a Pocahontas doll to further her collection of princesses. Robin was growing much less nauseated by the sparkles and pink of the Disney store, since she was frequenting it almost every time she wanted to buy Cara a present.

On the end of the bed sat Cara's other gifts, too. There were 2 picture books, and 2 big girl reading books. Cara was quiet at school, but also bright. Next to those sat a set of new stickers, some gel pens, and butterfly hair slides. Robin kept promising herself she wasn't going to spoil Cara, but sometimes couldn't resist buying her little gifts for no reason at all.

She rested her head against the pillow as the opening credits rolled. Cara patted Ariel's hair before gently getting the comb out and brushing it.

As the film began, Cara turned around, having already handed her plate of food to Robin for a moment whilst she 'made sure Ariel was comfortable'.

"Thankyou for my birthday presents and party Momma." She beamed up at her.

"You're absolutely welcome. You were a very good hostess."

"I was! As good as the candle in Beauty and the Beast?" Her eyes widened at this prospect.

"Much better." Robin smiled at Cara.

"Good." She turned around. Then instantly back round, shocked that she could have forgotten. "Oh! Love you." Cara leant up to kiss Robin on the cheek before settling back down with Ariel.

Robin smiled down at the current view of her daughter. She could see the top of her brown curls, and her small hands holding her doll. Once the party had finished, the fancy dress had been exchanged for more comfortable leggings and a purple spotty sweater. Robin rubbed one of Cara's arms affectionately.

"I love you too baby. So, so much."

* * *

By 9pm, Cara had been tucked up in bed hours ago and Robin was sat on her own bed, flicking aimlessly through the Netflix guide. Embarrassingly, she was kind of tired at this time. Yes, years ago she was comfortable starting a night out at 2am, but those days were sadly gone. She was now in her pajamas, multitasking with her phone whilst she tried to decide what to watch.

Giving up, she switched the TV off and put all of her attentions on the phone. There had been some cute pictures from the day.

Lily took an adorable one of Robin and Cara just before she blew her candles out. Then there were all sorts of memories of Cara and her friends. Leia and Cara… Leia and Luke. All of the Eriksen kids. Then Cara, the Eriksens and the Mosby's.

One picture that caught her eyes was that of Ted and Marshall messing about in the background, wearing stupid hats and generally being ridiculous. Simply that image of them goofing off kind of upset her.

Barney should've been there. He should be in the picture with her and Cara. He should've been watching the movie with them, making the flounder toy speak. He should be reading Cara's bedtime story with her. He should be making dirty comments under his breath about how hot the Disney dolls are.

Most of all, he should be in bed with her. She shouldn't be on her own thinking of what could've been.

She selected the albums of photos that were sorted by years. Somewhat guiltily, she flicked through to one of her oldest albums. It only took one image of him. From their wedding. It was one of the only ones she kept on her phone. He was hugging her from behind, and she was staring up at him, laughing. They both looked so darn happy. In the next photo they were kissing.

The look on his face appeared so genuine. It hurt to know how delirious she had felt, and how miserable and trapped he must have.

She placed the phone down on her bedside locker and crawled under the covers. Closing her eyes, she was adamant that she was not going to cry.

She couldn't help but let a few tears leak onto her pillow. Not that she'd let anyone know.

* * *

In an office somewhere, a man in a suit sat opposite a blonde woman in her forties wearing a blazer. Both were clutching cups of coffee, staring at an intricate looking board that seemed more like a web of information and pictures. On their large, mahogany desk sat piles of documents, and envelopes with different locations.

"We need to sort this now. We know how much we're disclosing. All the outgoing documents are sorted, we've tapped security, and we've homed in on all the places we need to watch. Authorities and all people of significance are informed of the release. Now all we need is to decide who we're giving the news to."

"That's ridiculous." The man sighed into his double espresso. "All news stations need to know. This is huge."

"Which is why we can't just hand it over to every amateur station that existed. You know how high profile this is. How much of it is secret. We don't exactly get on with all the news stations. Even renowned stations have been known to manipulate information when we send it in advance."

"So we make it breaking news." He placed the cup on the chrome coaster.

"That could work. We've discussed it. Johnston gave us the list of all journalists to stay clear of. We're not giving any information to papers, are we? We're just leaving them to get information from the broadcasts."

"We want to give them as little as possible. As much of this arrangement as possible is staying secret."

"So, I say we give it to somewhere major. On their main show. Breaking news."

"It's risky. When have any department of government ever given one news station a story? That'll be making history, surely. That's out of the ordinary."

"Well then, let's make history. WWN has a 6.30 show. Let's see what they make of it. Lead anchors are…" She scanned one of the documents in front of her. "Rivers and Scherbatsky."

"WWN." The man brought the cup from the table to his lips, letting the hot caffeine meet his taste buds.

"WWN." The woman agreed. "They'll report on a man being tortured for information in Korea. That is all."

"He's going forward with publishing his name."

"Yes. Barney Stinson. WWN tomorrow."


	4. Anxiety

_Once again, thanks for reviewing everyone! I'm super grateful and literally the only reason I'm even writing this right now is because of your reviews :)_

_In response to the guest on the last chapter, Hi, and thankyou for leaving a review, and I'm glad I'm starting to win you round :D Hopefully I can sway you as the story goes on! Thankyou filleencore for your review, because you're dead right with everything you said; that's exactly what I had in my head. And to you guest, I'll try to answer some of your other questions in the chapter._

_And basically this story is just a very inexperienced and frankly kind of poor fluff writer splurging an attempt at angsty stuff. Don't worry, I recognise that it's melodramatic, but the main point was just me experimenting with a new genre and trying to do something that's 'dramatic' because I'm finding it really fresh and fun, and I hope it helps me improve! :D But yeah, I totally get where you're coming from and I'll just sort of warn you that this is going to be like *swirls around and performs jazz hands* extreme. Barney and Robin will be different to the characters they are on the show due to the events they've been through… which are not things I would ever expect or want to happen either on the show or in real life. But I hope you enjoy the ride!_

_((Yeah and if you have any questions or anything and you have an account then do pm me because I like talking to people :D And I don't bite [oh god I sound ridiculous ew]))_

_Sorry this is so rant-y. Here is the actual fic. Do leave a review, because I'm having an absolutely horrible day, and your comments would really brighten it up! :)_

* * *

_Please meet me_

Robin gritted her teeth as the little message alert popped up at the top of her iphone. She was scrolling through a site that sold vintage kid's books so she could buy some for Cara, trying everything to take her mind away from Barney. It was now about 4 in the morning, and she'd been completely restless all night. She had been able to have brief periods of sleep, but all of them were uncomfortable, and all of them featured Barney.

She kept seeing those blue eyes. Familiar, but somehow so completely different. Over and over again. Whatever her dream involved, it would end with them, yanking her out of her slumber and snapping her own, duller eyes wide open.

After her sixth dream was spoilt by him, and the time in-between was spent attempting to stem the tears that were flowing all over her face, she decided there was no use in sleeping. After Cara was born, she became a high functioning insomniac. She assumed she could cope with one sleepless night.

She was also adamant that she wasn't going to stay up obsessing over Barney. He'd already done enough to hurt her over the years. Now that he'd strolled back into her life, expecting her to listen to his pathetic apologies, she was not letting him have any hold over her anymore.

She could feel the edge to her thoughts, one that was there before. An unpleasant layer to her head, like a sort of headache. She wouldn't let her anxiety come back. She wasn't going to dwell on the panic attack from earlier either.

And there would be no more tears over him. She was a grown ass woman. He meant nothing to her anymore, nothing but pain and two blue eyes that needed to immediately vacate her dreams.

The idea that he could be touched by Cara's existence was absurd. Want to meet Cara, want to be a part of Cara's life? Those were things she'd never consider. If it killed her, he wasn't getting one finger anywhere near her baby.

With those thoughts filling her up, she had decided to switch her phone back on and search for something Cara related. Which was when his messages appeared.

First, a simple _Listen_.

No. No, she wouldn't listen.

Then,_ it's really important that you meet me tomorrow. _

He seemed to assume that she was some useless vessel of nothing- with no job- waiting around to meet up with him.

She shut her eyes. When she opened them, there were two more messages.

_I need to tell you something Robin, and it's really big. I promise it will change things. I can't do this over text because it really needs to be done in person. I can't tell you now but I need to see you. _

_Please meet me._

That was it. Discerning a mixture of rage and absolute misery coursing through her, and swallowing the desire to scream, she started typing. Salt clouded her vision as she did so, but she was still angry. Regardless of everything she had just firmly assured herself about not caring, she cared. She cared so much about him, about what he did.

Immaturely, she responded.

_Fuck off_

She kicked herself for it, wishing straight away she had been less childish, and had responded like an educated adult. But truthfully, all her intelligent responses had been used up earlier that day. And even they were littered with curse words.

She wished she could wash over it. Be the mature person, the bigger man. Want him to have happiness and achieve peace despite whatever happened in their past.

She couldn't, though. Oh, how she couldn't.

She still wanted him to hurt. She wished that he could be hurt.

With a glance down, she observed his response.

_I know why you want me to go away, and I promise you that letter is the worse thing I've ever done, and nothing can tell you how sorry I am. But if you talk to me then I swear it will make sense. _

She stared at his response. Each one was mature and well worded. A million miles from the way her Barney used to text. It was so strange to see it. In her head, she secretly categorized her Barney from the Barney that hurt her. She tried to tell herself that they were the same person, but to her, there would always be at least a fraction of her that remembered_ her_ Barney. For just a second, her Barney could be the only Barney.

He wasn't. Perhaps this coherent, almost humble Barney was the real guy. Maybe she didn't even know the real Barney, beneath his smokescreen. The person who texted her dirty jokes and sloppily worded sexts might have been nothing more than a character.

She typed faster. The salt was really starting to sting her pupils.

_It already makes sense to me that you're the worst most manipulative, cheating, misogynistic, lying piece of shit I've ever known, thanks. I don't need to meet you to know that._

Immediately, he sent her _I'm sorry._

_I love you_

Now it wasn't salt, more sandpaper scratching against her retinas as she furiously tapped into her keyboard.

_No you don't. No you don't. _

What he wrote next made those carefully stationed tears lose control at tip over.

_Yes, Yes I do. I love our baby too. More than anything. _

She switched her phone off and curled up into a ball in the bed. Her chest was feeling blocked, and her breathing felt like she was about to panic again. He was saying everything she'd dreamed. This couldn't be happening. There was no was this could be happening.

Cara was not his. He had no right to love her.

Remembering all the deep breathing, counting and calming techniques she had master in previous years, she managed to reign in the stress, imagining it like a physical presence that she could touch, and stop. However, nothing could really stop the silent tears from falling. So she kept her eyes open and cried. She cried until she felt like there was nothing left.

* * *

Having just dropped Cara off and kindergarten, Robin flopped her bag down on the sofa and approached her desk. On it were her laptop and all the research she would be doing during the day. She needed her phone for one of the documents she stored on her dropbox, she plucked her phone from her bag.

More messages.

She'd been stupid to think there wouldn't be.

_Can I come round? _Was the most recent.

_Robin I really need to tell you this thing before you go to work tonight. Please please meet me before 6.30_

How did he even know her show was at 6.30? Barney didn't care about the news. The only reason he used to watch it was to see her. And the news used to be on at 7 until they changed the times. He'd wouldn't know that unless…

Unless he'd been keeping tabs on her. Bile rose in her throat. That explains how he knew where she lived. She hadn't even considered that before; shock was able to act as a barricade for her usual logic. But it made sense that he'd been keeping watch over her. Like some sort of sick entertainment. She knew better than anyone that his hidden cameras were no joke. Had he been literally watching her this whole time?

Yes, it was a big assumption to make from only one text, but her mind seemed set on this theory. She didn't want to be rational about it. She was just angrier than ever.

_How do you know that?_ She kept it short

_I'll explain when I see you. I know this seems strange but I need to speak to you in person. It's not fair to do this by text, this has to happen face to face. _

She was nearly shaking now. It's not fair to do this by text. He was probably watching her right now, laughing at her frustration. She could read it in his voice, sarcastic and taunting. A text wasn't fair, and _his _news had to happen face to face, but leaving her in a letter was absolutely fine?

_So a letter was ok then. Not a text though. That might hurt my feelings. _

_Sorry. I didn't think. Just trust me please?_

Trust him. Trust that man.

_Go fuck yourself. You have no right to contact me. I wouldn't trust you if you were the last person on the planet. _

_Can I come round? I know where. I promise this is important._

_If you come round I'm calling the police._

_Robin I swear_

_On what? There's nothing you even have to swear on. _

_I swear on you. I swear on the baby, on the bro code, on scotch, on legenmarried, on that first time we smoked cigars together. _

He wasn't allowed to even know that. That was between her and memory-Barney. Fake Barney. She didn't even know which Barney she was thinking of, she was confused in her own mind.

_That doesn't mean anything. Those were lies, remember? _

_No. NO, no, they weren't lies. _

Did he really mean what he was saying? Everything she'd ever though for the last 5 years jumbled up in her head and all of a sudden she hated who she was. Not the same way she hated herself before. Not that deep self detestation. She just hated what she was doing. She wondered where that happy, funny, attractive girl that everyone liked to be around went. She wondered when she became this bitter, untrusting person that could hate so vehemently.

She didn't even realize what she was typing. Almost like her emotions were writing for her, as she desperately longed to be a better person than the woman sat in the brown leather desk chair.

_I wish you'd just die_

She didn't get any more messages after that.

* * *

Setting his phone down on the almost empty table of his rented apartment, Barney blinked.

He was trying to understand. Clearly, he'd underestimated the anger she'd feel towards him. Retrospectively, he longed for a time machine. Being able to go back and tell past Robin how beautiful and loved she was. At the very least, make that letter a little nicer.

He was sick of hearing about it. He was sick of thinking it over and over. The letter, the letter, the letter. All he wanted was to put it in the past. And stupidly, he had expected to be able to.

In his mind, back in the days in that cell, he'd sort of imagined the reunion to be perfect. Of course, he had scripted what he would say to her. Of course he had rehearsed the way to tell her. But in his brain, acting out the scenario, it would always skip to the after.

Once all was said and done, she'd stare at him. Lip wobbling the way it did when she was trying to hold her feelings in. And then she'd smile. She'd probably even punch him, but it wouldn't hurt. Because next thing she'd be hugging him. She'd be crying, and he'd be crying, and the severe diversion from awesomeness would be excused, because he would be free. He'd be free of this place. He'd be able to feel like a person again. All that pain would ebb away.

She'd be in his arms.

He knew she'd hold onto his lapels, and then move her hands to the back of his suit. He was wearing a suit in these fantasies. Despite all of that bravado from before being the furthest thing from his mind, the callback to his old life felt nice. It felt like him. Imagining himself suit clad, holding Robin, it was everything he wanted.

Her face lighting up. His heart piecing itself back together, and glowing.

He'd kiss her. She wouldn't kiss back at first, but then she would. Soft, and slow, and he'd be able to feel her tears against his cheek. She'd feel his, too.

Oddly enough, she was normally still pregnant in these fantasies. Even after the time passed so that he knew the baby must be born. Keeping Robin pregnant when he pictured seeing her again… it was better. It meant he had missed less. It meant he still had a chance to be a father without the baby knowing any different. It meant that Robin hadn't been without him for years, only months. So perhaps she could forgive him for that.

A few months in exchange for protecting her and their kid. That seemed fair. At least, to his mind.

But now, it had all spiraled out of control. Five years. Frankly when he went in there, he expected to never come out. It was why he had been so brutal.

He had to be absolutely heartless.

See, if he was going to die, which he honestly believed he would, how could he possibly let her get hurt? That was why he wrote the letter. Before he did so, he contemplated telling the truth. But he couldn't. Firstly, he knew Robin Scherbatsky, and he knew she would run after him. Literally all guns blazing, she'd be there putting all that practice from the shooting range into reality.

He couldn't let her do that whilst she was pregnant. He knew she'd die.

He considered other options, but he knew there weren't any. New York was as safe as any place he could fly her out to. Sending her abroad would do nothing but distance her from the people she would have left. She'd be depressed, alone, and know nothing about the culture.

Telling her their marriage was a lie might just have been the hardest part of the whole thing. Drafting it in his head, he considered a lighter approach. If he just told her that he fell out of love with her, surely that would be easier?

No. It wouldn't be realistic. If the Koreans managed to tap into any of the stupid cameras he had in their apartment, or even somehow managed to install their own, they wouldn't believe him. They'd thing he was hiding something. Nobody falls out of love with their pregnant wife, just like that.

He knew his plan would work. Shamefully, it had a backstory.

When the guy disappeared from work, he knew things were getting serious. Confrontations with the police were not an option. He was praying, putting all that confidence and denial, telling himself that he wouldn't be called. Nothing would happen to him. Surely Barney Stinson was too awesome for that.

However, there was an inkling of doubt in his mind, and it was that doubt that started laying a trap. He knew that they could look for evidence. So he laid things in hiding places that were far too obvious for anything of actual importance to him, but looked genuine.

He put the playbook, adding recent dates to the plays. He uncovered his scrap-books of girls, inserting some fake anecdotes for recent months. He handwrote copies of his list of girls, making it look like he was ticking them off. All the while he did this, he acted as though he could authentically be engaging in these activities, writing out the lists for ego boosts. In case they really did have cameras in his house or workplace.

These were all nothing but precautions. He never, never expected them to be necessary.

But that all came before Robin found out about her pregnancy. Everything changed after that.

All the months he had with her were real. He pushed the concerns to the very back of his mind fortress. Surely, if they wanted anything to do with him, they'd have done it by now.

One day, all of that self-assurance, and happiness he had been feeling for his relationship with Robin came tumbling down. It didn't even tumble. It exploded, leaving only battered remnants of his future with her behind. Just like when the Arcadian blew up, once that button had been pressed, there was no going back.

He had to leave Robin. He had to get out of her life.

Each fiber of his body screamed at him to leave a code in his words. Something only she would understand. Something she could know, something she could figure out to let her on to the fact that it's a lie. It's all a lie, and he's doing this for her.

He thought he had the perfect line with 'you're an idiot'. A personal sentence that would look like a cruel jibe to any outsider, but that they understood.

However he never wrote it.

Halfway through dipping his pen in the ink pot, he realized that he couldn't. He couldn't falsely get her hopes up. One simple line, letting her know he loved her. That wasn't enough. That wasn't enough for the rest of her life. She'd never understand why. She'd just know that he cheated on her, but he loved her. He couldn't leave anything to explain that the fake cheating was just that: fake.

Even if he could, even if there was a way to let her know every word of the truth, that wasn't fair. He was going away. Forever. She'd raise that kid on her own. Breaking her heart was at first thought, the worst thing that could happen. But what if it wasn't?

If she knew he still loved her, she'd spend the rest of her life hung up on him. She'd go insane in her own mind. He knew that Robin Scherbatsky was the only woman he could ever love. But her? Maybe if she thought he was a heartless bastard who ruined her life, she could eventually stop loving him.

She was the best human being on the planet. Anybody would be mad not to snap her up.

Somebody else would fall for Robin, he was sure. And maybe, even if he had to hurt her, later on, she could be happy with that person. It was actually like somebody had burned ever suit and suffocated his heart with the remains to do this to her, but wasn't this best?

Giving her that chance. If she knew that he loved her it would fill her with hope, but confusion. It would drive her mad. Never knowing if it was real, if she'd read too much into it. Never letting herself move on incase he came back.

He knew that's how he'd feel were the situation reversed.

Barney shook himself, realizing he was doing it again. Spacing out. He'd improved a lot after his therapy, but it still happened. For whole periods of time, he could just become encased in his brain. His whole body would shut off.

He felt his cheeks were wet, and remembered the text. Robin wanted him to just die.

He leant back in his chair.

That might have been better for the both of them.

* * *

"Cara!" Robin shouted down the hall, frantically searching for her briefcase. "Have you seen Mommy's work bag?"

A few moments later, a little figure slipped out of her bedroom, clutching her own bumble bee backpack to take to Lily's. In her other hand was Robin's briefcase.

"You just gave me it." Cara reminded her, consequently muddled. Shaking herself, Robin recalled herself asking Cara to hold it about 5 minutes ago. Most of which she had spend searching. Damn, this Barney thing was messing her up. She was so completely confused about everything. Her whole day had been spent thinking over his messages. Now she was forgetting even the smallest of things.

"Thankyou baby. Sorry. I remember now. You got your boots on?" Cara nodded, proudly displaying her brown boots, adorned with flower stitching. The pair walked through to the living room, where Robin plucked Cara's coat from the rack and helped her into it, placing the bags at her feet.

"There you go baby. We're in a bit of a rush, so are we ready to do super fast walking?" Robin smiled, masking her stress the best she could.

"Um…"

"Don't worry. We won't step on any cracks." Cara had an obsession with not stepping on cracks in pavements.

"No it's not that. Um… Momma your shoes." Cara mumbled nervously.

Robin kept her sigh in. With all that was happening at the moment, she did NOT want Cara to develop some obsession over shoes. She looked down, expecting to see her black patent heels.

In their place were slippers. Which did not compliment her black peter-pan collared dress and white blazer. She couldn't believe how scatty she was being. She really needed to get her act together.

"Oh. Oops. Thankyou honey." She quickly slipped out of them and into her heels. Cara still seemed concerned.

"You 'kay?" She questioned, staring up at her, blue eyes wide. Robin quickly severed the connection between the pretty eyes staring up at her, and the ones she couldn't stop dreaming about last night.

"Yes, yes. Mommy is just… tired. Yeah. But I'll be fine. Remember when baby Daniel wouldn't sleep and he kept getting stressed?"

"Yeah." Cara nodded.

"Well, I feel a bit like that. But when Daniel went to sleep, he was better, yeah." Robin smiled again, hoping that this was reassuring Cara. She still didn't know how she produced such a compassionate kid. At Cara's age, Robin was already starting to freeze people out.

"So are you going to be better when you sleep?" Cara reached for Robin's hand, instantly warming Robin's whole mood up.

"Absolutely, baby. So who's ready to run?"

"Me!" She declared, securing her backpack.

* * *

Knocking three times firmly on the oak door, Robin waited for Lily to come to open it. WWN's Friday 6.30 show was usually the one with the highest ratings. She'd normally arrive at the studio for about 20 past five, giving her time to get her make up done, sort out the research she'd done during the day and have a few awkward conversations with Sandy Rivers.

Robin felt Cara's hand fidgeting in hers as they waited. Soon, the door swung open to reveal Marvin Eriksen. He was now 9 years old. Robin was thankful that he didn't think he was too cool for Cara, who was four years younger, because he spent a lot of time with his sister Aubrey. Said little girl appeared behind him, grinning.

"Cara!" She squealed happily, throwing herself on top of Cara in a hug. Marvin rolled his eyes, a trait he had picked up from his mother at a young age.

"Hi Aunt Robin." He said brightly. Then he continued in his most mature tone, copying what Lily often said. "Usual time picking her up?"

"Yes, thankyou Marvin." She tried to hold in her smirk. A few seconds later, a stressed looking Lily appeared at the door, clutching baby Daniel, who was screaming relentlessly.

"Hi." She groaned monotonously. Daniel continued to cry, tiny face an impressive shade of red.

"Hi. You look like you're having fun."

"Marshall," she began, indignant and irritated, "is ordering pizza. From the _store_. Because he just couldn't order it over the phone like a normal person, no. And I told him that I was absolutely not feeding my kid's that Gazzola's poison before he rang up Ted and they leapt in a car for the next month."

"But I liked Gazzolas." Marvin whined, then quickly shut his mouth, as if realizing he'd said something he shouldn't.

"You what." Lily whipped her head around, continuing to bounce Daniel in attempt to soothe him.

"I…. um. Nothing." He looked down sheepishly. Aubrey elbowed him.

"Oh not you too." Lily sighed. It looked like only Daniel hadn't experienced unhygienic, grease coated parasite-pizza.

Seeing that Cara was already showing Aubrey some of the crayons she had brought with her, Robin could see she was good to leave.

"Sorry Lil, I'd stay and help but I've got a cab waiting, so I really have to go. Good luck with pizza night."

Lily grimaced.

"Bye baby." Robin waved at Cara, blowing her a kiss. Cara did the same, seeming already distracted by the colouring book and stickers Aubrey had produced from seemingly nowhere, and was anxiously looking at them as they stood in the doorway.

Once she had turned around, she heard the door close behind her.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, forming the pattern that indicated a call. She hoped to god that it wasn't Barney trying again to contact her. She yanked it out, but breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the caller ID.

"Hi babe." She sighed into the phone, letting the tiredness seep out. It was only Aidan, her boyfriend. Like Cara, he was a calm patch in this brewing storm, but a calm patch she could actually talk to about how she feels.

"Hey. I never heard from you last night, how was the party? Did Cara have fun?" Clambering into the cab, Robin relaxed at the sound of his voice. It was sweet, and uncomplicated, and somebody who actually cared about her normal, everyday life.

"Um… yeah. Yeah. She um…" Robin was spacing out again. She shook herself. "She had fun."

"Robin." He half chuckled, almost warning. "You're doing it again."

"Mmh… what? Sorry. I'm so tired."

"You're spacing out again." He said softly.

"No! I mean, ok, maybe a little." She admitted. "I've just had a really tough time."

"You do know you can talk to me."

"I… yeah. Look. It's stupid." She dismissed, checking the time on the car clock next to the meter on the cab.

"Not buying that. You have no choice but to tell me everything Miss. Scherbatsky. Leaving nothing out."

"Aidan." She moaned.

"Seriously! Your problems matter, and you got to stop shutting them out. Hell knows, I've unloaded enough crap on you." It was true. He had confided a lot in her. But his problems… they always felt more real. Like he had a reason for all the anxiousness inside.

When Cara was an older baby, Lily insisted that Robin went to a support group. Robin craved independence and wanted to get her own place with Cara. But nobody wanted Robin to feel like she was getting unstable again. So Lily practically frog-marched her to some horrendously annoying and cheesy sounding meetings for "single parents suffering from anxiety." Lord knows where she found it.

Robin hated the sessions. There was an annoying man at the front who liked to address them as his 'team'. _Colin_ was the leader of the team, and enjoyed patronizing them in the highest, and making them open up about feelings and insecurities. Basically, everything that Robin detested.

Although, sat as far away from Colin and his irritating hand gestures as she possibly could, Robin met a friend. It turned out, somebody hated Colin just as much as she did.

He was called Aidan. He had dark hair, green eyes, and was the furthest cry from Barney that she could possibly meet.

Aidan was by every sense, the perfect guy. He had two kids, but his wife had been in a car crash. She had fallen seriously ill. She kept drifting in and out of a coma, and had severe memory loss when she did wake up. She was almost incompetent at doing anything. And she had no idea who she was.

Apparently, she was the love of his life. And without Ivy, he didn't know who or what he was. He said he was so terrified of letting his kids down without her. Because for him, they had to come first, and he didn't feel like there was anyone he could talk about his anxiety with.

He thought that the man was supposed to be strong. He shouldn't be feeling this weak.

Robin related completely to everything he said. Almost five years down the line, they managed to fall into a relationship. It wasn't at all passionate. They hadn't even hooked up. They went on dates, and they kissed. She found him attractive. But they both understood that this was a serious thing, not some fling. Also, he understood that the kids had to come first.

It was the freest, yet most stable thing she had right now. Somebody who was there for her, but didn't make her feel pressured for date nights when she had some free time to spend with Cara.

"Robin? Hello? You're literally doing it right now. You need some sleep, babe."

"I know. I just… need to do work. Yeah. Then sleep." She shut her eyes blissfully for a moment. The idea of a warm pillow and duvet, soft, inviting, and problem free, was golden to her.

"Promise we'll talk? Yeah?"

"I promise." She paused, smiling. "And thankyou. Thanks for… understanding like always."

"Get to work!" He teased, following it up with "Bye, babe."

Again, she smiled. "Bye babe."

She was so glad that he understood the 'I love you thing'. They both knew how much they cared for each other, but after Ivy and Barney, saying the words felt less like affection and more like a trigger. So babe became their substitute. It was normal, and not too lovey. But it was their thing, that meant it was ok.

She didn't realize how not okay everything was about to become.

* * *

"Sir, we're going to have to put you on hold." Came the deadpan voice on the other end of Barney's phone.

"No, no! I am not going on hold again, this is important."

"Mr. Levinson is not available for conversation. We can make you an appointment to come into the office and book an appointment." The voice continued, no change in pitch or tone.

"That's not good enough! I need to speak to him now." Barney searched for something that might get him noticed. "It's about the Korea Crisis."

"This situation is no longer at crisis status. I'm sorry Mr-"

"Stinson. I've stated my name and intentions about 5 times. I was meant to be able to call this number if I changed my mind about releasing my name. I'm changing my mind. I want to change my mind."

"I'm sorry Mr. Stimson, but the documents have already been sent to WWN for their 6.30 showing, which begins in a few minutes. There isn't anything we can do now."

"Stinson, not Stimson. And besides, I called at five." He was getting annoyed now. And scared. He saw Robin have a panic attack just from him touching her. He didn't even want to think what would happen when she found out everything on national television .

It could mean losing her job. He couldn't be responsible for that. He honestly assumed she'd let him speak to her. He thought he'd be able to explain before anything came on the news.

Getting his mentality in check took longer than he expected. And honestly, he was still a wreck. But an organized wreck, and a wreck that couldn't sit by and let Robin have to deal with this on her news show. That was never the plan.

He just wanted to tell her. This was face to face news. She needed to listen to him. She could hang up a phone call, delete a text. He had to explain it to her. She had to see it in his eyes that he wasn't lying.

"Our apologies Mr Stinson, but to book an appointment for your stage one scheduling appointment with Mr. Levinson's main receptionist, you will have to hold for another ten minutes. Thankyou for your patience."

Barney felt his eyes pricking, and he hung up, thrusting the phone onto the table. He was getting nowhere.

Body trembling, he was terrified. Angry with himself, and beyond enraged with Mr. Levinson's secondary secretary. All he could think of was Robin. Her whole world was going to break, and he didn't get to explain it properly.

He thought about texting her in a last ditch attempt to get her to call him, but checking his phone told him that the report was already one minute in, and it was no use. He'd already failed her.

* * *

"I'm Robin Scherbatsky," Robin trundled through the usual spiel from the autocue.

"And I'm Sandy Rivers, casting live from World Wide News."

Sandy sped through his first item, leaving her to do the Hurricane updates.

"Hurricane Warnings are currently stating that conditions are safe in Central America, however on the West Coast-"

"And you know what else is safe… but still cooking up a storm? _Holy Wok's_ new shimmering red stir fryer! Available nationwide."

Robin rolled her eyes as Sandy introduced his most recent sponsorship. This was meant to be real news, and he was already making this broadcast ridiculous a few minutes into the show. God knows why viewers like him. As far as she was concerned, everything about him was grossly unprofessional.

"On the West Coast." She continued, dismissing his incongruous mention of overpriced woks, and keeping talking through the autocue. Then she realized the autocue changed. She saw one of the cameramen indicating, and the producer signaling breaking news.

"It looks like we have some breaking news." Sandy announced. Robin took over before he could produce a set of 'unbreakable' plates and chinaware.

"This just in, a US citizen was taken under hostage situation in late 2015. He was tortured for information for a long period of time before having to rehabilitate his mental state with trained psychologists. Government officials were able to plan his rescue from an underground North Korean base."

She spoke from the blinking white words that appeared before her on the small screen, but for once, she actually took them in.

Often, her mind almost switched off, since she was so experienced at delivering a broadcast now. Constant weather warnings and political ramblings could get a bit dull. But this struck her interest. She couldn't imagine how this guy must be feeling. Already, she wondered how his family was coping.

She had been alone late 2015, only this person was in a situation a thousand times more serious. She pictured magnifying her own pain by as much as she could. The poor guy. No part of her could begin to understand what that must be like. She hoped he was reunited with his family.

Sandy was reading the next part of the story, and she mulled over this, paying attention. Apparently he had been forced into a windowless cell for the best part of 5 years. Alone, with no family, being whipped, beaten and nearly starved. This was horrific.

Maybe it was the change of being a mother, but the horror struck her for a brief second. What if that man had been Cara? Her entire heart leapt into her mouth. The mother of that man must be going through hell. More than hell.

Merely the image of Cara getting hurt nearly sent her over the edge. She refocused on the autocue.

"GNB banker, Barney Stinson, left New York voluntarily, in a bid to protect his friends and family from the threats placed towards him."

There was more to be read, but she couldn't even see the words.

She had fluidly spoken his name, continuing onto the next line. Then everything stopped.

Her whole world just stopped like it had never even been playing. Not really.

She felt dizzy. Sick. Confused, and frankly, every emotion she could muster. She'd never believed people who claimed to feel 'every emotion filling them', but that was the only way she could describe what was happening to her.

Her lungs were empty, but they didn't seem to want to take any air in. A gasp tried to breakout from her lips, but got stuck somewhere in her chest, where pressure was building.

Individually, each fragment of her understanding shattered. As though already separated pieces of glass were breaking and smashing and _shattering_… all across her body.

Barney. Oh.

Oh, Barney.

Her Barney. The old Barney. He was real. He'd always been real…

He loved her. He left her to save her and…- _he's been hurting._

She'd wished he would hurt, and he had. Those vile, hateful thoughts had come true, and she couldn't stop hatred she had felt to him fill herself. Could this be her fault? Was this down to her wishing?

He'd suffered for their baby. He left to protect them.

'A windowless cell.'

She became aware of tears and the fact that she was doubled over. Shuddering.

He had been alone in the dark.

That letter… it was lies?

She had so many questions. So much still to find out, so much she couldn't quite comprehend. So much bitterness and anger, and repressed love.

Love. All that love she felt was still present, but she'd been storing it away. Boxing it up and making it her dirtiest secret. She didn't know how to use her love for Barney. And she didn't know where to put her hatred.

It was sort of flowing away from him, but it was still there. Those feelings were everywhere, and if they couldn't be for him, she didn't know what to do with them. They were choking her.

Yet, he saved her.

Loved her.

Hell, maybe he even loves her.

_(She knows he loves her.)_

Cara had never been a 'thing' to him. All the sweet, loving things he told her in the past were true. The surprises, the proposal, the declarations of love- they meant something to him too.

Did this mean he didn't cheat on her?

Too many thoughts were rattling around in her head, and she felt like it was going to explode. Somewhere along the line, she realized that she was no longer in the studio, and that she was lying down somewhere. Probably on some sort of couch.

Which was when the very worst thought trickled into her head.

She'd said she wished he died.

She told a torture victim that she wished he died.

She couldn't deal with that. Surely, surely she was the worst person to ever exist.

More tears streamed down her face. She didn't know where she was, and she didn't want to open her eyes. She wrapped her arms tight around herself and quivered. How could she even apologize to him? Where were the words to say sorry for that?

He needed her. The look of absolute anguish as he looked at her yesterday. The security with which he held her when she panicked. That was why it felt so right. Why she felt loved in his arms.

Because he did love her. And she had spewed hate in his face.

Right then, she didn't want to open her eyes. She had to. She knew she had to. But she plaintively did not want to. For so many years, she'd been free of the feeling, but now it was here again. The want for escape. A route out. Requiring to slide into blackness and it to be permanent.

Never, ever could she. Not with Cara. She could never even consider it.

With Cara's dimples and bumblebee back pack in mind, she opened her eyes. She had to put Cara first and foremost; Cara came above everything. She imagined her daughters bright blue eyes, and the way she laughed, as a way to soothe her.

She saw Cara's eyes when she opened hers. Except, they were not Cara's eyes. And she wasn't lying on a couch of some description.

"I'm so sorry it had to happen like that." His arms were tight around her, and she was wrapped warm in a blanket. He stared at her, once again demonstrating longing.

She stared at him, not having any idea what was meant to happen next.


	5. Conversations

_Once again, I can't stress how thankful I am for your reviews. I'm so excited by how much response this has been getting and I really hope you guys don't stop leaving your comments. My personal life isn't quite so awesome as of right now, but seeing a new review gets me so excited and really motivates me to get writing, because y'all deserve it!_

_And thanks especially to everyone who commented saying they didn't think it was over dramatic, or that they enjoy my writing. Those sort of comments literally brighten my whole day up!_

_So I now have a clear outline of where I want to go with this, however there are some gaps inbetween that I need to fill (no Barney not that one get away) so if anybody has any requests they want put in a chapter for a flashback, or something they want to happen, or a character reaction you want to see, then please tell me! I want to incorporate some of the things you want! Next chapter we get more Barney POV. And I'm sorry to say that the angst isn't over yet *cackles manically into the abyss* I have long term plans for this *more cackling*._

_Yeah, here's the chapter, and please review :)_

_(Also shoutout to ImperiumWife for patiently awaiting this chapter… I may have promised it yesterday. Sorry! I hope you enjoy it :D)._

* * *

She felt questions burning through her head. About a thousand questions. Mainly because she had no idea what she even believed anymore. In just a few sentences, her entire reality had fractured. She didn't know what was real, and what was a lie. What he had done to protect her, and what he had done because he didn't love her.

Because he never had. That was what she knew. Always knew.

All the burning hatred was buzzing around her, but it wasn't meant for him anymore. Except it _was _for him. For years, she had hated him. It was what she knew. Blaming him was how she got by.

And now she couldn't. She couldn't do that to somebody who had been so astoundingly loving. So selfless, and sacrificial. He deserved to be adored, but she was overcome by hatred. She already felt like she was handling this all wrong.

First and foremost, how did she get from her news-casting desk to his arms.

"Where…?" She began, sitting up. Then it dawned on her. _She was in his arms. _

Confused as to what she was supposed to be feeling, she withdrew herself from the comfort, shivering slightly from the loss. He had her in a blanket, which he immediately passed over to her.

"You had a panic attack." He explained.

"I know I had a panic attack." She bit back fiercely, until she remembered that spite wasn't allowed. She kicked herself for being unkind towards him; she couldn't do that now. "How did I get here?" She tried to speak as nicely as she could muster.

"You're in my apartment." He informed. "You passed out totally. I knew the report was going to happen, so I got a cab there to try to talk to you once the broadcast was over."

"Ok, so…- wait, you _knew_ about this?" She was angry. "You let me do that report in front of the _whole world_! _That's_ how I had to find out?"

He tried to be gentle, but he couldn't help feeling slightly irritated. "I tried. All day to get you to talk to me."

"But… still! You could've warned me."

"How? I couldn't exactly work it in with all those death threats flying around." He retorted cruelly. Instantly, he regretted it.

Robin's face looked so broken. He knew he'd hit her deep, unintentionally. After he got out of his cell, he had been trying so hard to reign in the violence and vengeful emotions he was plagued with. His main aim through his evaluation was not to lash out. Now had to be the first time he'd let himself down.

"Robin." He said, much softer now. He reached out a hand to touch her arm, which was shaking. Tears were on the rims of her eyes. In that moment, he really saw what he'd done to her. That strong, beautiful, independent woman.

She'd retained her beauty, but it was different. She looked the thinnest he'd ever seen her. To the point where it was almost not healthy. Despite her features being the same, pretty as ever, she looked so tired. Wrought, to say the least. And having anxiety attacks. He knew that his letter would hit her hard, but he couldn't even begin to imagine that it would do this to her.

For that moment, he detested himself.

"Robin," he rubbed her arm. "Robin, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You had every right to think that after what I did." She deserved to be understood.

"No, I didn't! You… you were going to die for us. You let them lock you in a cell and," her voice broke, entire words trembling in the air. "and… they _hurt_ you. Barn, they hurt you. I'm a horrible person."

She had to have an interval to breathe.

"Because I _hated_ you for all these years… and I _wanted _you to hurt and then you did." Everything was cascading from her lips before she could stop it. "I can't bear it."

"Hey," She was crying so much. He he couldn't let her do this alone. Tentatively, he pulled her body back next to his. It froze still for a minute, but then relaxed more as he rubbed her back.

"Where did you learn how to stop a panic attack." She murmured after a while, once her breathing had slowed down.

"Korea." He responded quietly.

_Oh._

She couldn't handle that she'd even asked. Everything felt like her fault, and she just didn't know what to do.

He could tell, and he massaged her shoulder. Robin squirmed, both horrified and overjoyed that he remembered the exact spot that normally felt tense.

This was weird. This was absolutely insane. She couldn't sit and live this messed up dream. Sobbing into his arms- feeling so broken- wasn't healthy. She sat up, but stayed close.

"How?" She asked simply. She didn't know what to specifically ask. What was real? Questions flowed before her eyes, jumping out at her and confusing her. She felt like she was about to pass out again, she was so inundated with information. Everything was coming at her too quickly, and she couldn't keep hold of it.

"How?" She repeated, incredulousness entering her voice.

Barney stared at her.

"They were threatening people at GNB." He knew he had to keep it as basic as he could, for now. She was so tired, so blurred, and it wouldn't be at all fair to dump all the facts on her. Especially not considering how brutal some of them were. She shouldn't have to deal with it immediately, not until she's processed things.

"You?"

"Me. Another guy came before me, but he didn't go when they wanted him to fly out."

"What happened to him?" Robin's journalist side leapt out, wanting to know more details.

"We still don't know." Barney rubbed his eyes, not sure if he should divulge the next part. "His wife and kids died, though."

Robin drew a harsh intake of breath. That was the reality of the situation. Barney had saved her. He'd saved her and her baby from dying.

"You…- I mean, you…- you were going to die for me?" She stuttered.

"You'd have done the same for me." He acknowledged. No matter how selfless he tried to be, of course he wanted her to recognise what he'd done for her. But she shouldn't have to feel in his debt. He knew that she'd have made those same sacrifices where the tables turned.

Robin nodded, tearing up.

"So I wrote that letter, and, oh god, Robin, please believe me that was the worst fucking thing I've ever done. I promise that was the most foul shit I've ever seen, and that's saying something since you know what kind of guy I used to be."

She picked up on the past tense. She wanted to leap to his defense, and tell him that he was an amazing husband and friend to her, but all the years of built up detestation stopped her. Forming those complimentary words just wasn't possible. However much she wanted to.

Truth was, he was completely different. The man in front of her, so strong, so brave, so apologetic and fair… he wasn't the Barney she married. After a situation like this one, there is no way a person can return unscathed. Yet she couldn't help but feel conflicted.

She loved the wacky, ridiculous, suit-wearing guy she married. And she loved the more sensitive side of him that he brought out mostly in private, but occasionally in restaurants, or very loudly in Tim Hortons.

On the other hand, there was the heartless bastard who left her without a second thought. A person she had loathed for the past five years. She had convinced herself that it was his fault. Her anxiety, her depression. Him. He caused it. And the guy she loved… he was never even real.

Bar that he was here, and he was real, and it was everything she had secretly desired. Yet it wasn't. He wasn't _him_. Either version of him.

Musky Italian tailoring couldn't uphold the entire façade. Maybe he looked like Barney, but he didn't act like him. She could know in those brief few minutes. She knew him.

For years she'd convinced herself that she didn't know him. She'd been played like a common fool. But now, she was allowed to feel like she was special to him again.

Who was the person she would be special to? She can't understand this version of Barney Stinson. She doesn't know him. She doesn't know if she even has any feelings left for the old Barney, let alone this new person.

"I'm so sorry." He spoke sincerely, diverting her attentions away from her rampaging inner monologue. She couldn't help but think. Thoughts that had been forbidden to her were now unlocked and racing into the open.

"I… me too." She said, surprising herself.

"Why?" He almost laughed it. What on earth could she have to be sorry about?

"For…" She didn't quite know how to answer. "For not being Robin Stinson anymore. I changed so much, and I hated you. I'm so sorry I hated you, but I did. I… I've got all this anger in me and I don't know what to do. Oh god." She paused, concentrating on a fixed spot of the ceiling so she wouldn't cry.

"You've done this for me, and you come back and I'm not your wife. I'm this broken, horrible bitch and I said those things to you, and even now I know I don't feel happy enough! I should be feeling happy and I'm not. I'm not a good person, Barney. You did this for me and I'm not a good person."

Barney gazed at her for a while, processing her speech. She looked incredibly vulnerable. The peter-pan collar of her dress didn't help. Despite the fact that she was visibly older (although still could pass for way younger than she was), she had this youth about her because of it. She looked scared. He got what it was like to be scared. He'd been scared, and he knew how much it sucked.

A sort of chuckle slipped out of his mouth, causing Robin to jerk her shoulders, wobbling bottom lip clamping against the top one.

"Robin Scherbatsky, you are without a doubt the best person I've ever known. And I don't know this Robin, and maybe you don't know this Barney, but I know that you're the strongest person I've ever come across. You're beautiful, and you're beautiful inside too. And I'd make some joke about how beautiful it is to be inside you too, but I hope I've come on a bit from that guy. You're so smart, and professional, and incredible. And you have so much love, but people fuck you over. You're not a horrible person. You're probably the least horrible person I've ever met. Believe me, I've come across some evil people recently. But you are not one of them. You're strong, Robin."

She sniffled, feeling something inside her melting. "But I keep crying." She felt such an affront to his beautiful words. She wasn't being as strong as she was meant to. "It's like, there's no off switch for this crying, and the panic attacks."

"They suck, don't they." He smiled.

"So much." She was all set to embark on a rant, but she noticed what she was doing. How easy it felt to talk to him again.

"Barney, what happened after you went to Korea. You, um… don't have to tell me anything you don't want." She hastily added an afterthought, realizing that what happened over there probably wasn't something he'd be eager to address. She shut out even the slightest of unpleasant emotions. Being in his situation, and dealing with it, was unimaginable for her.

"Uh, I try not to remember what happened at first. Lot of beatings. Whippings. Not that much food. They wanted to know stuff and I wouldn't tell them. Said they'd let me go if I gave them names, told them plans."

"Why didn't you do it?" She asked straight away. Already, she wanted to get him out of this. This horrible, horrible mess. She wanted to dive in and protect him.

"Didn't trust them. Besides, when they hear something they don't like, there's always the worry they could go for the family." He said matter-of-factly, refusing to meet her eyes.

"They hurt you." She whispered. "I can't believe they hurt you. Nobody should hurt you."

"I'm here now. I made it." He touched her arm again.

"Barney, I cannot even begin to describe what you did for me and her-"

"What's she called?" He chipped in, slicing her sentence in half. She saw in his face the air of anticipation. She could tell how desperately he wanted to know.

Most of her wanted to hug all the information about Cara safe to her chest and keep it there. Sharing Cara was never going to be easy. But he deserved to be a Dad. Dear lord, if anyone deserved to be a Dad, it was Barney right now. Images of Barney with sharp knives delving into his skin and tearing patterns along his flesh haunted her. He'd done this for them.

Robin looked up at him. A smile broke across her face. "Cara."

"Cara." Barney repeated. His whole face was alight, possibly the hugest grin she'd ever seen radiating his excitement across to her.

"Cara Lillian Scherbatsky." Robin continued. Barney hummed happily.

"What's she like?" She noticed that he was trying to be reserved, but he was doing the thing with his hands that he always did when he was desperately excited.

"She's just amazing. So, so beautiful. And little. She's the kindest kid you've ever known. She's so sweet, and gentle, and shy. She's everything we weren't, basically. She's so loving. She cares about everyone so much." Barney looked like joy was about to pour out of his orifices, and Robin couldn't resist adding. "She's got your eyes."

"Wha- mine?" He looked positively gleeful. Robin nodded. "Brown hair. She likes nature, puppies, and she wants to be a princess when she grows up."

"I can't wait for her to meet her Dad!" Barney exclaimed, evidently planning a host of surprises and presents for his little girl. Robin could sense that he already adored her. She wasn't sure quite how she felt about it, but she knew one thing.

"Barn, you can't be her Dad." She said bluntly, not wanting to give any allusions of something that wasn't going to happen.

"Bu- why not?" Hurt resonated from his intonation, and he looked crushed. She hated herself for doing this, but Cara had to come first. She couldn't simply drag a perfect stranger into her life and introduce him as her father. She had no clue what this Barney was like to be around on a daily basis. And as a father, he should be as involved as she was. That couldn't happen. At least, not yet. Cara couldn't have her whole world flipped upside down. If this was going to work, I had to be gradually.

Honestly, she couldn't know if she could trust anyone to be Cara's parent except for her. She didn't know how Cara would like him. Cara would surely want to know why he didn't live with them.

"I'm not saying never." She affirmed. "I'm just saying not now. You can meet her and spend time with her as soon as you want, but I can't just land a bombshell like that on her before she knows you."

"Oh." Barney said. Clearly, he hadn't thought about that. When she said it, it made much more sense. He had simply assumed that he'd be able to click back into his normal life, and his marriage would reassemble, and he'd be a father the moment he and Robin were reunited. Evidently, that wasn't the case. It seemed obvious in retrospect, but he genuinely had assumed that it would be easier.

"So… does she have another Dad?" Barney wasn't stupid. He noticed that Robin's ring finger was bare. But that didn't mean for definite that she hadn't remarried.

"No!"

"Ok." He looked appeased. Then he decided to go for it and ask her. The other thing that he desperately wanted to know.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" He questioned in a low voice, clearly nervous. Knowing the circumstances, Robin felt horribly guilty about her answer.

"Yeah." She nodded.

Barney looked down. Somebody like Robin would want to get back out there. The dating world would be mad not to want her. And it's been five years, so he barely expected her to live as a nun. He'd always been aware that she probably moved on, he even wanted her to. But it still hurt. He didn't have any right to resent her. After all, the only information she had been living with was that he didn't love her and never wanted to see her face again.

It still stung. Little needles pinning themselves all over his body, all at once, leaving him not knowing which hurt the most, only that it was awful.

To him, she was his wife. But he wasn't her husband. It occurred to him that she might be in love with this guy. It occurred to him that he might not ever get her back. There might just be no happy ending for them.

Robin having a boyfriend made it much weirder for them to be so physically close. He edged slightly away from her, and realized he should say something to assure her that he's fine with it.

"That's great." He lied.

"Really?" She spoke sensitively. This can't be easy for him. She can't even start to imagine what he's going through. How strong he must be to go through all of this.

"Yeah! As long as he makes you happy."

"He does." Robin smiled. "He's called Aidan… but he… I mean… it's not." She trailed off. Who the hell was she supposed to be loyal to?

She was in a relationship with Aidan. He had been the one who supported and cared for her through these years. They were happy, and they were secure. They had something that made all the dark stuff that hung over her feel lighter.

But could that relationship ever be as strong as the connection she has to Barney? Her heart tells her no.

She wants to make Barney feel better about this by telling him that her and Aidan aren't exactly passionate. He's earned that information, considering what he's done.

But she feels like even saying that is unfair to Aidan. She'd break down crying if he went around telling people that about her, no matter how true it might be.

She sighed. "Look, Aidan… he's a really good guy, and I care about him so much but. I still care about you." Robin wanted to phrase it right. "I'm just confused. I'm so confused and I can't leap back into what we had. Even if Aidan wasn't in the picture, I couldn't get back together this quickly Barney."

"Yeah. We're different I guess. But I'm glad he makes you feel loved." That was all he ultimately wanted.

"He makes me feel safe." She corrected. "We do that for each other. His wife is in a coma and she doesn't remember him, and he could barely leave the house without an anxiety attack and that's how we met." Damnit, she wished she could stop divulging everything like this.

"You don't have to justify it." He mumbled. "It's your choice who you, um… y'know."

One thing Barney doesn't need to know is that she and Aidan haven't slept together. It's too personal. Their private life has to stay private.

Robin glances at the clock situated on the wall opposite. She had been too caught up to even check.

"Shit. Barney, I need to go. Cara's gonna need me to pick her up. I normally would've picked her up over an hour ago." Now she felt disgraceful for forgetting the time.

"Don't worry. I heard one of the med guys saying that Lily called. She was watching the broadcast and she says she 'arranged for your daughter to stay the night'. They didn't know what caused you to pass out at that stage. You were gonna have to stay the night."

"You sure? Absolutely sure that's what they said?" Robin queried. Barney reiterated his point.

"Yeah. You were in an ambulance, but they worked out your health was fine, you were just panicked. This place is central so they just took you here. You woke up for a bit and walked, but you were totally out of it. Then you sort of collapsed on the couch."

Before he could go any further, Robin's whole face changed.

"Oh my god." She breathed, suddenly moving her hands to her temples. "_Ohmyfuckinggod_, I just passed out at work."

"It's okay."

She stood up.

"No! This is so NOT okay! I was on air! On fucking air and I just… oh my god I might lose my job. I need a job. I need a job. I need my job."

"You haven't lost your job." He told her.

"How do you know?" She was so stressed. Being let go at WWN would mean an absolutely concrete goodbye to her career. Cara was one thousand times more important to her, but she still held onto those dreams. And she'd be without a steady supply of money. She'd end up living off Barney, making her totally dependent.

"Because they can't fire you for medical reasons, first off."

"It wasn't medical! It was me being weak!" She sobbed, landing herself on the couch.

"Well they seemed to think it was medical, because they were all crazy worried about you. They're giving you a paid week off to get better, they said a month if you need it. They just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"Bu… I was so unprofessional." She'd worked so hard to maintain that aspect of her life. On air, she was the picture of sophistication. Slip ups like that were inexcusable.

"Besides, there isn't a lawyer in the city that would let them fire you for that." Then he picked up on what she'd said earlier. "And who told you anxiety made you weak?"

She sniffled.

"You don't think Aidan's weak, do you?" It was like referencing Ted's cowboy boots in an argument about fine fashion.

"Of course I don't think he's weak." She was indignant. The very notion was ridiculous.

"Or me? I get panic attacks." He argued fairly.

"I don't think you're even one bit weak."

"Why do you think you're weak, then?" He said.

It made her want to curl up into herself, because he was being so truthful and rational. When reasoned with, it was plain to see that she shouldn't feel like that about herself, yet she did.

Behind closed doors, she knew exactly why. It was hard to pinpoint one precise moment that her Dad had made her feel the weakest. Her Mom made her feel unloved, but it was her Dad that made her feel weak.

Heck, at 11 years old, she attempted to tackle one of the largest boys on her hockey team. Chuck Ziegler was tall, heavy and muscular. Her dad was watching the practice, where they were going over fundamental skills. She had barely had one opening to show him what she was made of. Considering his attitude to her 'girlyness' and how it 'cheapened the family name', she could only think how proud he would be if she successfully tackled Chuck.

However, she underestimated him. More specifically, overestimated herself. As soon as she made contact with him, she felt herself flying backwards and plummeting downwards onto the ice. She hit her back hard, screaming in pain, despite how much she knew her Dad hated it.

Her entire frame felt powerless as it skidded across the freezing ground.

Her Dad didn't even rush to her aid. He decided that she needed to learn how to pick herself up. To her surprise, he wasn't too unpleasant afterwards. But what really bothered her was what Chuck said to her teammates. Perhaps he thought she was out of earshot, but he had never been the type to care what people thought. He was aggressive and he was intimidating. He didn't have to worry.

"That's why girls shouldn't play hockey." He had sneered, to a chorus of agreements from some of the people she considered her friends. That hadn't been enough though. Chuck simply needed to follow it up with, "she's too weak."

Countless times afterwards, she'd been made to feel weak, whatever her friends told her. Deep, deep down, she never quite shook the insecurities.

Another particular memory swarmed to the front of her head. The day she told Cara why she didn't have a father.

* * *

6 months previously

* * *

It was fathers day.

Robin stared at herself in the mirror, inexpressibly nervous for the day ahead.

She had spent hours choosing the perfect outfit to wear. First, she tried on a gorgeous blue dress. It seemed motherly, and that was the image she wanted to promote to her Dad. But she had taken it off. He wouldn't appreciate the femininity.

Yet, she wasn't about to succumb to his desires. She was a woman, and a mother, too. He didn't get to dictate her outfits or her life. So if she wanted to wear something girly, she would.

She tried on a pink cashmere sweater and jeans. That couldn't work. Her Dad would think she was too casual.

Black jeans, a black blazer and a black lace top were donned next, but she groaned at her reflection. She looked funereal. In spite of the fact that she almost felt that way today, she couldn't wear it. Cara would think she morphed into the grim reaper overnight.

4 abandoned outfits later, she decided on the same black jeans, but with a floaty, cream button up shirt. She wore a gold chain with a clear, teardrop diamond in it. It had been Lily's.

Lily had insisted on gifting it to her after she admired it in Lily's jewelry box. Robin tried to fight it, insisting that she was no scrounger, but Lily was relentless. Apparently it was just an old fashion piece she barely wore, although Robin was pretty positive she'd seen it out a few times.

Robin tried to smile at her reflection. She was wearing natural makeup, actually bothering to contour her face for once. Makeup was a rare occurrence, apart from the stuff applied by her makeup artist at work.

Admiring herself, she tried to have a confident outlook on things. It had been a long time since she viewed herself as even mildly attractive, but she had to face the facts. She wasn't getting any younger, and taking that into account, she looked pretty good.

Her cheekbones were still prominent, but she hadn't really developed any wrinkles. With mascara and eyeliner, plus the sheer gloss that coated her lips, she actually felt nice.

So with that in mind, she got up to do the rounds. Make sure the house was clean and tidy before she woke Cara up.

Putting it lightly, Robin was worried for today.

This would be the first time her Dad met his granddaughter.

When Cara was born, he hadn't wanted anything to do with her. He thought Robin was weak for wanting to give her up. Then when he discovered that she was not, in fact, a grandson named Carl, he was once again disinterested.

He still sent a Christmas and birthday card, but other than that, he showed no signs of wanting to meet or bond with Cara.

Robin hated it. She wanted to tell him to either be there like a proper Granddad, or get out of her life. She really thought her and her Dad had come along way after the wedding, but he seemed to have regressed a couple of decades.

If he ever uttered even one abusive word in Cara's direction, the door would slam in his face faster than he could say 'Canucks'. Not before she incinerated the key to said door, locking him out of Cara's life for good.

At the moment, she wanted to keep the door ajar. She hated that he wasn't there, adoring the beautiful little girl she was blessed with.

But Cara should still have that option, if he ever decided to step up and take responsibility. The kid had virtually no grandparents; Robin's mom still refusing to hop on a plane. She insisted that 'the album on facebook is more than enough'.

Robin tried to be cool with it, dismissing the fact that there are alternate forms of transport, and in five years, her Mom probably could have found her way onto one.

She shook herself. There was no point mulling the past over. Today was the start of the future. Her Dad had asked, actually _asked_ to come and see them. He acknowledged that with no Barney, Cara didn't have anyone on father's day, and this would be the first year she could properly feel the loss.

She had been overjoyed when she got that call, running through to Cara's room and informing her that they were going to get ice cream. All she could think, as she watched Cara happily munch her raspberry ripple cone, was that things were going to get better. Her Dad was, in fact, a human. And he wanted to be there.

Her mobile vibrated against her singular bedside cabinet, and she walked over to pick it up. Her heart skipped a little when she realized it was her Dad.

"Happy father's day!" She smiled down the phone, attempting to mask her excitement and nerves.

"Hello RJ." His voice was frosty as ever on the other line. "I was calling to ask if you remember what your sister's favourite type of flan is."

That stumped her. It came so completely out of the blue. Why on earth would her Dad be asking that?

"Um, I think it's kiwi."

"Excellent." He said. "Well, I'll talk to you later then."

"Wha- wait! What time are you getting here?" She wanted to seem practical rather than desperate. In reality, she just wanted a normal conversation with her Dad on fathers day.

Cheesy as it was, she'd bought him a card. And new hunting boots. She wasn't sure how well they matched with the Hawaiian shirt she had also wrapped, but honestly, there was no telling which persona her Dad would adopt.

"Getting here? RJ, I'm in Canada." He chuckled coldly. Robin froze.

"What?" She tried to not sound to injured, but the shock was impossible to conceal. "You're meant to be coming to visit us today."

"Yes, yes. But your sister's pregnant again! Didn't you hear the news."

She let the hurt in her voice. She almost wanted him to hear it. "No, I did not."

"Well, maybe if you joined the Scherbatsky facebook group, you'd know. You might as well, you're always making us look at pictures of your daughter."

"I'm making you because none of you but Katie have even bothered to come and see her!" She exclaimed. "I just want you to come and see her."

"Yes, but I have to see your sister first, she's pregnant! Sonogram says it's another boy." Mr. Scherbatksy spoke proudly. Robin wanted to shoot him. Simultaneously, she wanted him to speak like that about her.

"What, so this is about gender again?"

"No, this is about me seeing your sister. And getting her flan."

"But it's fathers day." She pleaded, going quiet. "You were supposed to come."

She could feel herself about to start crying. Damn, she had to stop herself. She couldn't keep doing this.

"Exactly RJ! Doesn't it make much more sense that I go and see the grandchildren that have a father?"

That was a low blow. Maybe even the lowest he's ever delivered. Before she even had a chance to react or object, her Dad embarked on a tangent.

"Shouldn't you be at work, anyway?" He chastised.

"I got the day off so I could see you." She mumbled. She could practically hear his eye roll.

"More of these 'days off'. Robin, I taught you better than this. If you're going to keep dishonoring the Scherbatsky name, you should have kept your husband's, hmm."

Robin was starting to shudder.

"And if I hear the word 'anxiety' one more time! What did I always tell you about mental illness?"

"That they're excuses." She said monotonously.

"Precisely. Glad to hear all that not working didn't affect your memory. Scherbatskys are strong. Why, your sister has had 4 kids, with another on the way, and she's kept working the whole time. No 'breaks'. What does that say?"

She kept silent. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. He was like a character. A heartless, sociopathic character. It was almost too unbearable to believe. Yet this was the man who rang her on birthdays to tell her she was a disappointment. How could she have expected anything more?

"Panic attacks indeed. What happens if you're hunting? Do you just stand there crying like a pansy whilst the bear rips your limbs apart? Now, _that _is an attack."

"Ok. Ok, you're right."

"Yes, I'm right. I'm your father. Don't you want to be thinking about that Carly of yours when you're sitting home having fits?"

"Cara. Her name is Cara."

She just wanted him to love her. Was that really too much to want?

"Yes, that's what I said. Carla. Anyway, be sure to tell her that Grandpa Sherbatsky gives his best wishes."

"I will." She replied. There was no reasoning with him. None at all.

"Ah, I think we're at the flan store! That's right, Carol, it's Robin. Yes, the news one. No, no that's Katie, the one we're going to see. Yes! Husband left her! Whiny, too tall for your average woman."

He never could get the hang of holding the phone to his chest so the person on the other end couldn't hear. He put the end that receives sound facing his chin, so it still picks up the sound.

"Happy fathers day." She repeated from the start of the call, but with absence of the excitement.

"Mmm. Have fun RJ."

Then he was gone. He had hung up, and was off to spend the day with Katie and her three perfect sons. And the one daughter, Allison, who he miraculously seemed to like. He said he liked her because she played hockey, making her a 'cool' girl.

It wasn't like she spent years skinning her knees at hockey practice to try to impress him or anything.

Ready to break down and cry, she sat on the bed. She was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Can I c'm in?"

"Of course!" Robin put a bright face on for Cara.

"Wow! Momma you looks so pretty!" She told Robin sweetly. Waddling over in her fleece onsie (it had been a particularly cold night) she sat down next to Robin on the bed.

"Thankyou, munchkin." She put her arm around Cara, rubbing her back.

"Is Grandpa coming to see me t'day?" She asked. Robin felt the weight of the world as she was about to crush Cara's day.

"No, he had to cancel."

"Aw. I tho' you said I could wear my princess dress." Robin hated seeing her looking so disappointed.

"You still can wear your princess dress, baby." She said quickly.

"But you already seen it." Cara massaged her little cheeks. Robin hated this.

Next came the dreaded question. "Why isn't he coming?"

Robin had to think quick. "He… well," she searched the room. She did_ not_ want to lie to Cara, but at the same time, she could barely tell her that he thought her name was Carly. Or even Carl.

"He got really busy. See, he's in Canada. And he got stuck there!"

"Stuck!" Cara seemed alarmed. "Is he too fat to get out of Canada?"

She laughed. What she had come to regard as Cara-isms constantly cheered her up.

"Canada isn't like getting stuck in a hole."

"Or Uncle Marshall in the playhouse." Cara supplied. Marshall had once insisted that he could very easily take residence in Aubrey's new playhouse.

It was presented to them by Ted, who had now designed a superior model for Luke and Leia, and now the old pink one was polished up and delivered to the Eriksen backyard. Marshall told Lily he was 'just testing it'. But nearly 5 hours later, they had to call the fire department to free him.

"Canada is a place. And it's far away and he couldn't get here." Robin was pleased with this story. Cara seemed to accept it.

"Why don't I have a Daddy?"

Robin stopped.

She was just about to get up and treat Cara to a breakfast of pancakes. Everything seemed to be alright. She was going to bring Cara on a day out. Take both their minds off things, and give her some fun. But this.

She'd been dreading that question since Cara was a tiny baby. The idea that she would have to explain to that bundle in her arms why she didn't have a father was terrifying.

She read some online forums. They all said different things. Some told her to make up a story for a little kid. Others were adamant that lying was the worst possible thing.

In the end, she tried not to think about it. That would have to be a problem for future Robin to solve.

Now she _was_ future Robin. And Cara's eyes were expectant and wide.

She didn't want to lie. Lying to children wasn't right. But then again, half of the popular culture for children involved a pack of lies. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. None of them real.

Still, she couldn't possibly tell Cara that her Dad didn't want her. She'd grown up feeling like that. Robin would re-perform her entire 'make it sparkle' album every day before she let Cara have those feelings.

"See at kinnergarden we make fathers day cards. I say to Miss Penny that I don't have one. Why don't I?"

"You do have one. He's just stuck somewhere. Kind of like your Granddad."

"Aubrey and Marvin and Daniel all have Uncle Marshall. Luke and Leia have Uncle Ted. Why is mine stuck?" She sounded worried, and it broke Robin's heart.

"I don't know." Robin was as honest as she could be. "But I know he's away somewhere, and he isn't able to come back."

"Oh." Cara murmured sadly. God, Robin wanted nothing more than to stick a spear down Barney Stinson's throat.

"Does he not like me?" Cara shuffled closer to her Mom.

A spear wouldn't be enough. Two spears. Three spears. And a tiger to rip his body apart.

"Yes he likes you! He loves you. Sweetheart, he was so, so excited to meet you, but then he had to go away. And he just lives somewhere else right now."

Cara nodded.

"Princess Belle doesn't have a Mommy, because her Mommy is just somewhere else. She just has her Daddy. But Belle's Mommy still loves Belle."

"So… it okay that I different

"You're a little bit different, but that's just fine. Different is good. Different means you're special. And it's ok to be exactly who you are."

She paused. "I love you."

Robin scooped her up into a hug, partially to comfort Cara, and partially because she needed to have Cara close herself.

"You wanna see my card?" She grinned.

"Mmm?" Robin wasn't quite sure what Cara was talking about. She was just glad that the talk went ok. And extremely grateful that her daughter's attention span was short.

"I'll get it." She said, shaking her head. She raced out of the room and returned shortly after clutching a ratty piece of paper.

"Miss Penny said make one for Mommy so I did." Cara presented it proudly. Delicately, Robin took the crumpled drawing and stared at it.

"That you." She pointed to the larger blob. "And that me." She pointed to the smaller one. "And that is woof next to us." There was a purple squiggle at the side. Robin wasn't quite sure what prompted the colour change of Cara's plush puppy, but it amused her nonetheless.

"We are princesses. That is castle. That is our crowns. That is throne." She moved her finger in a circle around the towering red rectangle.

"Throne is a good word. I think that deserves a sticker on the chart." Robin was trying to encourage her vocabulary, and general behavior, via a sticker reward system.

"You like?" She nodded down to the card.

"I love." She reached over to hug Cara again, but she pulled away, expression grumpy.

"You haven't read it yet." She pouted.

Robin shook her head, opening the slightly sticky card to reveal a note, scrawled in large, childlike letters.

_Mommy. Luv yoo luv from Cara._

It was accompanied by a series of kisses and a rather random drawing of what appeared to be a pig. Whilst it wasn't the most articulate love letter Robin had ever received, it was by far the most touching.

"It's beautiful, Cara." Robin said. Cara bounced happily, before suggesting breakfast.

Standing up, Robin felt about a thousand times happier.

Cara didn't have a Dad. And honestly, neither did she.

That was alright.

Yeah. That was alright.

* * *

Present

* * *

Robin recognized that she had zoned out again. She was on the couch with Barney, and he was watching her.

"You ok?" he asked, observing her stillness.

"Yeah. Sorry, I guess I kind of blanked out." She apologized.

"I get that a lot." He sighed, understanding. Sometimes he'd just drift off for whole hours, completely absorbed by something else.

"I think I'm gonna go home now." She said. Barney agreed, but he reached his hand out to touch her arm.

"Wait."

"Yeah?"

"When can I see Cara?" He questioned expectantly.

"Tomorrow. She gets out of school about 3. You can come round at 4.30."

"4.30." he repeated, grinning like an idiot.

Robin got up from the couch, straightening out her dark dress somewhat awkwardly. She wasn't sure what the protocol was in this situation.

_See you tomorrow, and by the way, it was nice that you got tortured to save me, but I hated you because you lied, and now I don't know if I should be in love with you again? Oh, and thanks for the free hugs. _

She didn't know what to do. She wandered over to where her shoes were parked, drinking in her surroundings. The room was pretty bare. She saw a photo frame by his bed. It was them on their wedding. She was beaming up at him, and his arms were wrapped solidly around her waist.

She used her thumb to assist her heels into the shoes, and straightened out her blazer.

"Robin, here's your bag. They gave it to me." He handed out her tan leather shoulder bag. Their eyes linked up as he handed it to her, and she felt her chest shifting around. She realized she was smiling.

"Thankyou." She whispered. As meaningfully as she was able.

"It was just by the couch." He dismissed, rambling about the bag.

"I mean for everything else." She moved her hand so it was over his on the bag strap. "For protecting us."

"Any time, Scherbatsky." He didn't want to make it too intense after the conversation they had just had. But he couldn't ignore the fact that her hand on his felt like he belonged again.

She broke it away and turned, hooking the bag onto her shoulder and approaching the door. As she turned round to say goodbye, her eye caught that picture on the dresser again.

Next to it was another one. It was too small and too far away to see properly.

It was once she was already in the cab, head leaning against the black plastic seats and knees knocking furiously together that she realized what it was.

Her first ultrasound. Cara was no bigger than a pea on that photo.

She didn't know how, but he had managed to get a copy. Or maybe he preserved it.

Either way, he kept it. Same as he had kept them safe.


	6. Cara

___Hi! Before you read on, I'd really appreciate it if you read this. :D_

_So I didn't expect some of the stuff in response to this chapter, but it was interesting to see all the different opinions! Here is just something to clear up some of the questions in reviews._

_Basically, filleencore once again summed everything up in her review, but I just want to assure you that Robin does NOT hate Barney, nor is she angry with Barney. She just still holds onto the anger she had and doesn't know where to direct it. But I really hope I made it clear, and if not then, now, that she isn't angry with him at all! She's angry with herself, and she's angry with the people that did this to them, but she isn't angry with him._

_On the Cara front, Robin will explain her POV more in this chapter. But one thing I will say is that maybe what she did isn't the perfect way to react. Please don't think I'm trying to be an overlord of what to do in this situation. Robin is in no way perfect and she doesn't always make the correct choices. However, I tried to look into her POV and discussed it with a LOT of people. All of them said that they thought she would want Barney to get to know Cara before he was introduced as Dad. I'm not saying that was the right call, or even hers to make. But I do think that is what Robin would do in the situation. As far as SHE is concerned, it's up to her right now, and she'll explain why she thinks it's the right thing._

_Most importantly, don't think I'm missing stuff out! I promise we'll get more of the gang in the upcoming chapters! And I definitely have plans for Barney's family. Robin didn't just excommunicate them. And I plan for this story to be 20+ chapters, and there will be some twists and turns. I can't say much more without spoiling things, but Barney and Robin will eventually be together. It's complicated. But I hope you'll stick by the story and I'll try to fill in the gaps as the chapters go by._

_Thing is, it's very hard to get everything in to every chapter. You have to leave some stuff out, but I'm not necessarily leaving it out for always. Barney's issues will be addressed. Not all at once, but I can promise that they will!_

_Sorry that this was so long. (I'm really trying to stop these from being so long, oops) but I just thought I'd clear some of that up so you know what I was thinking when I was writing! :D *scoops u all up into a big yellow umbrella of happiness and sails away*_

_Can I just say that I'm insanely overwhelmed at the feedback I've already received. THANKYOU all so, so much. :) Please keep reviewing like you are. The motivation to update it provides is insane. And I just get all happy when I see the review number go up._

_Once again, apologies because you have to listen to the endless ranting of ultimate goob may (that's me) as she (oh god I've transitioned to third person that's never a good sign) tries to straighten some stuff out. Here's the chapter, which you'll hopefully enjoy more. There's a LOT of Barney/Robin/Cara coming your way soon. :D xxxx_

_(Please review I'll give you much gold)_

* * *

Barney sat restlessly in his bed. The white linin wasn't doing a particularly good job of keeping him warm, so he had wrapped several tartan blankets around himself. Currently, he was scrolling blindly through his phone. He had tried to sleep but he couldn't.

Besides. He didn't want to risk the nightmares.

He was rarely able to get through a night of sleep without brief flashes of his cell, and whips, and chains flashing around him. He'd wake up sweating. But that he could deal with. Just about.

Night terrors were vivid. Once he awoke, if he even was able to awaken, he couldn't stop thinking about them.

He'd be midway through some happy slumber, usually fairly boring. He had one recurring dream where he and Robin were just sat talking on their old couch. She was always wearing the same thing, a stripy angora sweater. She kept complaining that now she was pregnant, she couldn't get away with vertical stripes anymore. When he didn't immediately respond, telling her that stripes absolutely didn't enlarge her bump to scale factor 3, she would hit his arm. Then they'd laugh.

That was it. They would chat through other, non descript things about their day. She'd tell him about hers, he'd tell her about his. She would hold his hand, and only make fun of him about 5 times after he smelled her hair. Sickeningly domestic, but easily his favourite dream.

More often than not, though, that happy scene was interrupted.

Sometimes, everything would go black, and he would be in his cell.

Black would transition to red. Red, red, red everywhere. Trickling past his vision. He'd hear the insults hurled at him again. And he wouldn't be remembering it, he would be living it. His skin stinging, jaw locked. Weapons would trace his back deviously slowly. Other times, harsh, large, fast whips would beat him. Over. And over.

He'd hear his muscles cracking along with it.

Crack.

Crack.

Screaming.

Crack.

Screaming for Robin.

_Crack._

(He wanted to hold her. But he couldn't. He couldn't even hold himself, because he was bound up, sobbing and shuddering and hollering to nowhere. His own screams reverberated from the tightening walls, taunting him. Hurting him.)

And then it would be over.

His eyes would snap open. He'd have soaked the sheets with sweat, and he would be shouting.

He'd be unable to move for about an hour. And even then, it was only to wrap his arms around his legs as he continued to cry.

The nightmares were horrendous. He never expected that he'd have to endure such constant reminders. Naive of him, maybe, but he thought he'd be able to tuck it all away.

How wrong he had been. That cell was part of him. He had the scars everywhere to prove it.

At that thought, he self-consciously tugged at the sleeves of his nightshirt. Even though he was the only one who could see himself, he couldn't handle the idea of sleeping shirtless. His back looked like meat. He didn't want to have to see it if he passed a mirror.

His head was tightening, which was never a good sign. It was when he started to feel the sadness. He wouldn't want to do anything at all. He got it a lot in his cell. He tried to take his mind of things with his invented stories about his family and friends. Exercising was the other thing keeping him going. Sometimes, though, he'd be too weak even to get through his usual set of press-ups.

That's when he would lie on the floor. There wasn't any point.

Again, he shook himself, propping up more rigidly against the headboard. He scrolled through his phone, praying the bright light would keep him awake.

The aftermath of night terrors weren't worth thinking about. During the first weeks of his psych. evaluation, he wasn't even able to get up out of bed after a nightmare.

Now, he was more accustomed. He could deal with them. But it wasn't worth the risk of being in that unstable, almost violent mindset when he was meeting his daughter.

Cara. He'd rolled the name Cara Lillian Scherbatsky over his tongue a good hundred times since Robin had left. He could barely contain his excitement at meeting her. It made him feel like a little kid again, waiting up with James to watch Santa lay out the presents. One blue wrapped parcel in particular was the shape of the exact model plane he had wanted. All night, he was overcome by anticipation for the next day.

He smiled sadly. Part of him wanted to go back to the simpler days.

On base, having his mental state assessed, he was kindly encouraged to write to family members. So for the four months, he'd been able to correspond with James, Loretta and Jerry. He was adamant, though, that Robin had to have the news face to face. She'd burn any letter with his handwriting. Although, it was difficult to regain that, after not picking up a pen for years. His calligraphy standards were falling.

Tomorrow, though. He'd be able to meet his baby girl.

When Robin told him that she had his eyes, he thought his heart was going to burst. She would be beautiful. There wasn't a scrap of doubt in his mind that they would have made the most beautiful child in the world.

He was unbelievably nervous. Scratch that, he was absolutely desperate for Cara to like him. He understood why Robin was holding back. But he was prepared to do everything to be there for Cara. Frankly, Robin still had the right to be pissed at the world. He certainly was. It had rendered her a single mom for years.

Currently, he needed to act together. Around her, it was so much easier than expected. All he wanted to do was make Robin feel good about herself. He could see self-loathing in her eyes. He recognized it; it ruined his reflection every day.

He wanted to comfort her when she needed it. Unfortunately, this Aidan seemed to have filled that spot for now. But he wanted there to be room for him too.

Barney was determined to be a Dad. That was something _Aidan_ couldn't ever be. Not to his kid.

Cara would probably always be a Mommy's girl, he had to accept that. But he wanted to provide her with everything his Dad never did for him. He wasn't going to miss anything else. Every single dance recital, swim meet, spelling bee… whatever Cara wanted to do.

He'd support her. Robin said she wanted to be a princess, and he was already devising 101 ways to make Cara feel like one.

Unlike both his father and Robin's, he was going to make _sure_ Cara felt special.

* * *

Robin cursed loudly as the glue gun she was holding burned her hand. Her reflexes kicked in, causing her to release the gun and frantically scrape at the area covered with scolding hot glue. It dried quickly, so she was able to pick it off, snarling at the evil perpetrator of her pain, which sat smugly on its yellow safety mat.

Why, the sane side of her asked, was she sat up at 4 in the morning with the remnants of a scrapbook?

The entirely baffled side of her replied, somewhat sarcastically, that she was up making a scrapbook for Barney.

Following the events of her news-report, Lily had apparently offered to take care of Cara. As soon as she arrived at her house, she called Lily to check that this was okay. Lily told her that Cara was already asleep. She tried to talk to Robin about Barney; obviously, everyone had seen the news. It was circulating over every form of media like wildfire.

Robin made the excuse that she had been told to rest, and hung up the phone.

She couldn't handle talking to Lily at the moment. Lily would be sure to make her confront all of the feelings she was pushing away as fast as she could. Lily would want a definitive answer as to whether or not she was still in love with Barney. Which was a question Robin didn't know how to answer if she tried.

One thing she did know, however, was that Barney Stinson had easily done the most tragically beautiful thing anyone had done for anyone. And it was confusing, because she had switched from hating him to the depths of his very soul, to knowing that he had given up absolutely everything for her.

Barney Stinson loved her more than he loved his own life. Literally. What he'd done was more powerful than death, if that was even plausible. Lord knows what her sleep deprived mind was even thinking. But it knew, and she knew, that he loved her.

It made her want to bleed for every time he had bled. Because the very premise of him hurting, of her Barney being hurt was excruciating. She couldn't stop picturing him being beaten. Every time she turned off her 'relaxation' playlist, she could hear contorted sounds of him screaming. The Barney she had known was always happy, intending everything to be a comedy.

Imagining him screaming when they lashed him for the first time was… well… it was like a lash in her.

She couldn't think like that though. She couldn't compare herself to him. He had been so strong, but she felt trivial. After what he'd done, she didn't know how she could repay him.

What she seemed to be doing was this scrapbook.

Years previously, not long after Cara's birth, Robin was inundated with fears. She was scared because until she decided to keep Cara, she was planning on hurting herself.

As soon as she made sure her baby had a loving adoptive home, she would be able to inflict the pain on herself that she truly believed she deserved.

She had blamed herself. Maybe, if she'd been a better wife, he'd have stayed. It was her coldness again. He wanted a warm, feminine version of Robin Scherbatsky, more like the girly bimbos he chased. She should've made him feel needed. She thought she should have gone that extra mile.

Now, of course, she knew it was different. He hadn't left her. He hadn't abandoned her. Another wave of confusion washed over her.

(Does that mean that it wasn't her fault, either?)

She didn't know. She didn't know where she was going to store these suffocating questions, so she simply suppressed them.

Back then they were all she could think.

Having become a mother, hurting herself was no longer an option. Once Cara was placed in her arms, soft and innocent, those thoughts were wiped clean from the table. Thing was, she didn't want to give herself even the tiniest inkling of time to think about it.

Her every waking moment was dedicated to Cara. Holding her, rocking her to sleep. Feeding her, stopping her from crying. Barely sleeping herself, she found that the midnight diaper changes didn't affect her as much. Cara was her life. She wasn't being torn away from anything.

Lily and Bella made the executive decision that she needed a break. All Robin did was look after Cara. Being a new mom, that wasn't abnormal at all. The problem was, she _never_ took breaks.

She wasn't eating. She wasn't sleeping. She wasn't even leaving the house. In a stroke of luck, Cara was a reasonably easy baby, who didn't cry all too often. So in the hours whilst she didn't need attention, Robin would just sit in the chair she used for feeding, and stare blankly at Cara's crib.

She refused to be swayed from doing things related to Cara, so Bella and Lily devised a plan. They bought all the materials to make a baby book. Marshall moved a table into Cara's nursery so that Robin would be able to work on it whilst Cara wasn't awake. They took as many photos as possible, with Robin surprisingly happy to regain her position as 'official infant photographer'. Her work improved severely compared to her first pictures of Marvin.

Making the book helped her. It made her want to go out to get more supplies. She'd be able to stitch, and glue and be doing something practical instead of sitting around. Between looking after Cara, she didn't have a huge amount of time, so the creation of the book spanned months. But when finished, it was perfect.

Robin received another scrapbook set, but by then, she felt more motivated to do other things. She wanted to take Cara places, and let her experience new settings. She wanted to let her interact with everyone.

She started thinking about giving Cara new foods. Whilst beginning to experiment with this idea, she started eating properly again, much to everyone's relief.

She still lived with Marshall and Lily, but she started to regain the independence she'd always strived for.

So now, with the unused scrapbook set packed away in the back of her wardrobe, she concluded that it was the right thing to give Barney. A way to let him into her and Cara's world during the years he'd been away. The book would be filled with all the sentiment he had to miss out on.

She sorted directed photos from her phone to the printer. They ranged from baby photos to images of older Cara grinning at sports day. He deserved to know all of those stories. She wrote down a caption explaining each event in as much detail as her aching hand would allow at this hour.

It seemed grossly unfair that Barney wasn't there for memories that Robin treasured. Some of the sweetest, and most adorable moments of Cara's youth would be forever lost for him. Barney shouldn't have had to be suffering. He should have been with his family.

Pressing a now perfectly bordered picture of Leia, Cara and Aubrey on their first trip to the Disney store, she realized that she considered herself to be Barney's family.

She didn't know what to do with that information.

She had a surge of unprecedented, rekindled love for him. But it wasn't romantic. Or sexual.

None of it felt like she wanted to leap into bed with him.

Conversely, She was overcome by this urge to smother him in affection. She had been too scared to do that earlier. The news was so fresh in her mind that she couldn't give him the reunion she could tell he wanted. She didn't know how to.

Mostly, she didn't want him to think it was fake. If she were in his situation, she wouldn't want him to be with her out of duty.

That didn't change that she wanted him to be there. She wanted him to be Cara's father. However, that couldn't happen yet.

As part of her job, she'd reported stories over the years about war victims, or people who had been captured, or imprisoned. On occasion, those victims developed violent tendencies. It was a horrible, horrible risk, but she had to take it into account. Of course she wasn't accusing Barney of that, and she knew that if he were having those feelings, they wouldn't be his fault.

But she hadn't spent any real, everyday type of time with him. She couldn't take any chances with Cara. She wouldn't take any chances when it came to her daughter's safety.

Growing up with her Dad being so distant, it was unbelievably important to her that Cara had two parents who loved her. But she had to ease Cara into the situation.

Barney would want to see her as soon as possible, but with Cara staying the night at Lily's and heading to school in the morning, she wouldn't have a chance to explain the situation to her.

She needed Cara to get to know him. For them to form a bond. It wasn't fair to shove this dynamic upon either of them. Barney loved _his daughter_ an inexpressible amount, it was evident. But she wanted him fall in love with the actual girl: Cara Scherbatsky. There was no doubt in her mind that he would.

Before he could take an equal role to her in Cara's life, she wanted him to know her. Robin didn't want Cara to have a total stranger drop into her home knowing nothing about her. She wanted him to know her favourite nursery rhymes. Her favourite farm animal. Exactly how much milk she likes on her fruit loops, and which flavor fruit pouch she takes to school each day of the week. She's happy to teach him, but those are things he has to know before he takes this on. And Cara has to be comfortable with it too.

With this week long break WWN had given her, she would hopefully have time to help Barney get to know stuff. Frankly, she was scared of how eager she felt. There was part of her clawing back. Deep in the pit of her belly, part of her was freaking out. Telling her that she in no way could do this. See Barney everyday, find a way to handle the old hurt. Share her daughter.

She closed those feelings off. If she couldn't get rid of them, she at the very least wasn't going to give them a moment's thought. She had to focus on making things best for Cara. That was her aim.

* * *

Lily Aldrin couldn't sleep.

Sure, it was way past the time she'd usually be peacefully dreaming. And sure, baby Daniel had been screaming all day and all last night, causing her to be ready to collapse into an infinite state of rest.

She couldn't. Knowing what she knew now, she doubted she'd ever sleep guiltlessly again.

For years, she'd hated Barney Stinson with the passion of a thousand suns. All of them had, Marshall, Ted and Bella. When Robin wasn't there, they were all able to say the things that they couldn't discuss in front of her.

What a bastard he was. How she never should have trusted him. How they never even should have befriended him in the first place. They would all happily make an appointment with Satan to discuss saving Barney a permanent spot in hell.

As Robin's friends, they could hate him more than she ever could. They saw that part of her still longed for him. Every day, it killed them watching her getting worse. Hating and blaming herself more.

Lily was one step away from making a voodoo doll. She was sure it would be a delight to stick pins in a smarmy, miniature suit.

Because she had been rooting for him. All the while with Robin, she had been rooting for him to get the girl. Marshall may have been on 'team Ted', but Lily always saw what they had. She considered herself to be the love expert. She was perceptive. Never before had she been wrong about a relationship.

She knew Ted was never the guy for Robin. She always saw when a girl wasn't right for Ted. Every relationship she surveyed, she could tell if it would last. And when she saw Barney helplessly pining after Robin, her heart broke for him. She knew he had it in him to love her. Even after they broke up, she had a feeling that something about them was meant to be.

Sitting at the bar, they weren't casual. Barney stroking her shoulders, Robin clutching his suit. The way he looked at her when she couldn't even see, so full of adoration. That was real. It was the realest love she'd seen besides her own for Marshall.

But he'd fooled her. He'd pulled the wool over her eyes too. Hell, knowing that patriarchal twat, it was probably silk. Delicately spun, weaving a lie throughout everything.

Call her stupid, but she had thought he cared about her too. She had watched him evolve with pride. She thought he cared about her son. Marvin idolized his uncle Barney, but he dropped out of their lives and never looked back.

She believed that she hated him the most. And she didn't feel a scrap of remorse.

Until now.

Oh, until now.

She'd seen it correctly. His love for Robin had been real. He'd matured more than she ever could have envisaged. For her, he'd given up his world: suits, cigars and scotch, everything he pretended to hold most dear, to protect her.

He was protecting his wife and child. Thinking of Barney, their ridiculous, fun-loving Barney being tortured…

It was the worst thing she had ever known.

As soon as the news report was off, she and Marshall had bundled the children off for an early bedtime. She saw Robin start to panic, so straight away she turned off the screen and took Cara away. Robin's worst fear was Cara seeing her in pain.

But as Lily set Cara and the other kids up for bedtime, she couldn't help but look at Cara differently. Never before had she allowed herself to associate Barney Stinson with that beautiful little girl. She point blank refused to see a single similarity.

Now, it was like every part of her that was from him came jumping towards her. She saw him everywhere. Especially the eyes. Lily couldn't stop staring at her eyes.

She tried to picture those eyes back on Barney. It was keeping her awake. She didn't deserve to click back into her normal life and not give this a second thought.

She and Marshall hadn't discussed it yet. Both of them were simply staring blankly at the wall opposite them in the dark. Neither could sleep, but neither was willing to discuss it. And this was them. King and Queen of fair compromises and sharing feelings.

"Lil…" he spoke after a while, not tearing his eyes away from the spot they were focused on.

"No." She murmured quietly. "Not yet."

He understood.

They needed time to comprehend.

Lily didn't even want to think about how this revelation must change things for Robin.

* * *

Having picked Cara up from nursery, Robin was now trying in vain to get Cara into some of her 'smart clothes'. Usually, Cara was the picture of good behavior, however she had to choose today of all days to throw a strop.

Robin couldn't blame the kid, since she had no idea how important today really was. It was just frustrating. Robin couldn't put into words how badly she wanted Barney to get on with Cara. And it seemed unbelievably unfair that his first encounter with her would be when she's midway through a tantrum.

She wished Cara could be in a better mood.

Robin knew what it was, though. Cara hated meeting new people. Despite being bright and cheery around those she knew, when faced with a stranger, Cara reversed into silent mode.

Finding out just as she got home that she'd soon be meeting somebody new, Cara wasn't happy. To make matters worse, apparently she and her best friend Arianna had fallen out at school.

"Cara, please don't argue with me right now. Put the skirt on." Robin was tired. She didn't even have the energy to properly scold.

"I don't want to!" she moaned.

"We sometimes have to do stuff we don't want." Robin stated with authority. Lines like that from adults had always bothered her as a kid.

"Well it's not fair!" Cara stomped towards her bed. Robin looked up to the clock. Barney would be arriving at four thirty, and it was ten past four now. Chances were, he'd be early. After she completed the book for him, she had barely had time to clean the house. And if Cara protested for much longer, she wouldn't even have time to get her dressed.

"Cara this is perfectly fair. Do not argue. Put your skirt on."

"Not fair!" She balled up her fists and sat down on her bed with gusto. There was a look of determination on her face.

"Last chance." This row had been going on for a while. "I'm going to count to 5. One."

"NO!" She shouted, starting to tear up. Robin didn't get it. Cara never acted like this usually. Sure, when she was younger. But this was just the worst possible time for trouble.

"Two." Robin said warningly.

"I DON'T WANT!" She screamed now, turning away from Robin on the bed.

"Three."

"But I HATE it!" She protested sulkily to the wall.

"Four." The word was short. "And I'm about to go and put a black mark on the chart."

"Don't!" She turned around, eyes watering.

"Are you going to put on the skirt?" Robin held out the ironed, white pleated skirt. Cara nodded, lip wobbling. "And are you going to be good?"

"Y's." She said in a low voice.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"Yes." She said, slightly louder.

"Ok, then. Are you going to say you're sorry?" She was so tired of this song and dance. Also very aware of the pressing time.

"I'm sorry."

Robin handed Cara her skirt. A minute or so later, it was tucked into a green blouse and paler green cardigan. Robin quickly brushed through Cara's curls, pushing a white headband with a bow behind her fringe.

"I want my fringe brushed back." Cara said. She never wanted her fringe back.

"Well we've already brushed it out." Robin sighed.

"You always ask! You didn't ask!"

"No. Cara, you're wearing your hair like that. We're having a visitor in a few minutes and we don't have time. If you want it like that for tomorrow then that's how we'll do it."

"I want it like that now!" She frowned. Robin wasn't giving in to this. Especially not today.

"The doorbell is going to go any second, and you are going to be on best behavior." Robin stressed, implementing her strictest tone. Cara looked utterly miserable, but nodded. "Thankyou." Robin breathed in relief, getting up and straightening her clothes out.

She herself was dressed a maroon shift dress with a chunky cardigan over the top. She had planned to select her outfit with care, but with time running short, she had thrown on the first thing she saw.

"Momma." Came a very small voice. Robin turned.

"Yeah."

"I'm nervy." She was barely audible.

She stopped. So this is what this was really about.

"You don't need to feel nervy." Robin explained, smiling. "We're just going to see a very good friend of Mommy's who really wants to meet you."

"Is he 'mportant?" She wondered. Robin realized that when she told Cara they would have a guest to see her, it made things sound way too scary.

"He's important because he wants to see us, but you don't have to be scared!"

"Then why we have to put on posh clothes." Cara gestured to her outfit. In actuality, it wasn't hugely different to something she'd wear on an average day, but they were from the special part of her wardrobe that she was meant to leave for parties.

"Because. Mommy's friend wears a suit, so we're putting nice things on so we fit with his lovely suit." Robin broached this topic brightly, knowing what would come next.

"Suits are scary." She mumbled. Then she looked down. "What if he meet me and he doesn't like me?"

"Baby, he's going to like you! Don't worry about that. Just be yourself." Cara was nibbling at her nails.

"M'kay. Can you stay near?" Then she dropped to stage whisper. "In case of the suit."

"Of course I can." Robin smiled, reaching for it.

On queue came the doorbell.

* * *

Barney was trembling.

Part of it might have been down to the 3 cups of coffee he'd consumed before he hailed a cab. Staying up the previous night hadn't done wonders for his alertness, but at least he wasn't feeling the way he would be if he'd suffered from a nightmare.

It was worth it. He'd stay up a hundred more nights for this moment.

This was it. This was the moment he'd dreamed about for so long.

Many, many a time, he had imagined what his son or daughter would look like. On each occasion, he would mix and match his and Robin's features. The worst part was not knowing which was real. Getting attached to this hoard of make-believe children. None of them being the real thing.

This had been so highly anticipated for him. And now all that excitement, and wanting, and _longing_ was turning to fear. He had waited so long for this. But now it was finally here, it had almost come too soon.

He was about to meet his child.

He couldn't kid himself. This wasn't the way he had wanted it.

He had wanted the cliché. The scene from every summer blockbuster he and Robin detested so passionately. Where the father is there for the whole thing. Holding his wife's hand. He wanted to be there for all the parts he had been scared for initially. As soon as he found out they weren't available to him, he wanted them all the more.

Robin. He wanted to hold her hand. Offer her a steady supply of ice chips and terrible jokes. What he_ needed _was to hear the first ever cry, and try to act like he wasn't scared out of his mind. To feign such suave confidence. But then, just for her, let his guard down. Peer down at the tiny creature in Robin's arms with awe.

He wanted to kiss Robin's forehead and tell her that no matter what she'd been hearing her whole life, he was proud as hell to call her his wife.

She was supposed to rebuke him for swearing in front of their baby.

Their baby. He was meant to be there for every single step. She- _Cara_- she was meant to be a blanket clad newborn when he first met her.

Instead, she would be a child. A child who hadn't ever known him, and might not even like him one bit. She might hate him. Worse still, she might not want to be around him at all.

What then?

Barney stared at the door. Awaiting its answer after his knocwas the longest eternity.

Much as he was used to, that eternity ended.

Robin was there, smiling at him with the most anticipation he'd ever seen clogging up her eyes.

Behind her stood a figure. Small, only about at Robin's waist. He couldn't see much other than the colour green, and a few dark ringlets.

Robin invited him in. He walked to where he was opposite her, still staring at those ringlets as Robin pushed the door shut.

"Hi." He said breathily. A mixture of joy and fretfulness mingled with the one syllable.

"Hi." She smiled in return. It was almost enough just to see her smiling.

That smile was for _him._

"Cara." She crooned. There was a scuffling noise behind Robin. Then a muffled 'but momma'.

"Cara." She said again, trying to maintain eye contact with Barney, assuring him that she's got this.

"But suit!" Cara continued to hide.

Using their entwined hands, Robin pulled Cara to her side, and gently pushed her towards Barney.

Evidently displeased, she marched a few steps further forward.

"Hullo." She said, staring at her feet.

"Hi, Cara." Barney smiled, crouching down to her level. Cara maintained her apparent fascination with her shoes. "I'm Barney."

She didn't say anything. She was feverishly chewing on her nails. Barney remembered Robin saying she was shy.

"I like your hair bow." Barney complimented.

"Thankyou." She looked up at him.

Her blue met his blue. And then both blue merged into one for Barney.

She was beautiful.

Oh, so much more beautiful than his brain could have constructed.

At age five, she seemed to have inherited Robin's cheekbones, slightly less noticeable under the childlike cheek pudge than her mother's. She had _actual rosebud lips_, and Robin's nose exactly. But his eyes. Very much his eyes.

Upon more careful observation of her very long fringe, he realized that she probably had his forehead, too.

"I don't like my hairbow." She elaborated.

"But it's so pretty!' Barney exclaimed in mock horror.

"I'm not allowed it back today." She stated dramatically.

"No." Barney shook his head.

"Yes." She pursed her lips. "Unbelievable."

"A good word." He praised.

"I learning vocuburlury." She informed him proudly.

"You know Cara, I think I know a way to fix your headband."

He reached out to move his hands over it. Cara's body tensed; things were moving much faster than she had expected with this new person.

When he released his hands, and Cara became aware of something much heavier on her head. She moved her hands up to touch it in confusion. Then turned to face the full length mirror that she knew to be adjacent to her.

She gasped.

"I'm a princess."

She was completely overcome by shock. Admiring her reflection, she saw the perfect detail of the tiara atop her head. It was sparkly and bejeweled. And she adored it.

Flailing her hands by her sides in excitement, she repeated herself. "I'm a princess."

Her face started to light up. Her eyes were wide and bright, and a huge grin stretched across her lips.

"Mommy I'm a princess!" She declared gleefully, turning around to show Robin, pointing to her new headgear.

She turned back to Barney, still grinning. She bounced up and down where she was standing. As far as she was concerned, there was only one way to thank this person.

She launched herself onto him in a hug. Her arms wrapped tightly around his suit, still bouncing up and down. "Thankyou!" She told him, swaying.

Slowly, and with the most delighted expression, Barney closed his arms around Cara. He dared to run his hands through her hair, just as he had done with Robin years ago, when he proved himself master of the possimpible. His hands had greeted her chestnut hair as thought it was an old friend.

This was different. This was better.

Receiving a hug from his daughter, for the first time… this was beyond exhilarating.

He loved her. He loved her more than he knew it was possible to love. Before, thinking about his kid, he was sure he loved him or her as much as his heart was capable.

But he loved Cara like nothing he'd ever known. It was hitting him hard that he and Robin had made this .They had made this person.

He grinned at Robin, who was watching them. She nodded to him in encouragement.

Cara withdrew, her jumping not yet subsiding.

"Can you do magic?" She questioned merrily.

"Why yes I can, Princess Cara. What type of magic do you request."

She squeaked. Her hands cupped her face in elation. "_Princess Cara_!"

"That is your name, is it not, my lady." Barney bowed to her.

Cara threw her hands in the air, turning around to address Robin, smile enlarging further. "I'm a princess!"

"You're a princess." Robin affirmed.

"Mister wizard." Cara composed herself the best she could. Her feet were still dancing, but she assumed on a princess-ly manor. "I request…" She pondered for a second. "Sparkles!"

"Sparkles it is." He couldn't help but throw a look in Robin's direction as he thrust an explosion of sparkles into the air. Cara squealed in excitement, dancing around the room. Then an idea struck her.

"I need to get my PRINCESS DRESS!" She screwed her face up gleefully, racing towards her bedroom. Then she turned. "Please stay Mister Wizard! I just need to get my gown!"

The door slammed. A fraction of a second later, they heard a jubilant cry of "I'm a PRINCESS!"

"So, she's a princess." Robin delivered fondly. She noticed the sparkle covered room and groaned. "I'm gonna have to clean this up."

"Yeah. Sorry about that." He too looked around the room. Glitter was everywhere.

"Don't worry. My teen years taught me how to get glitter out of _anything_."

He laughed. Since he left 5 years ago, that was his first laugh.

"How am I doing?" He asked anxiously, standing up and brushing some glitter from his shirt.

"Amazing." She shook her head whilst grinning. "She's never taken a liking to somebody that much. Ever. I've never seen her hug anyone she hasn't known since birth."

"So she likes me?"

"She more than likes you. I think you just made her biggest dream come true." She watched him get up and walk over to her. Subconsciously, she had begun to rub her hands against the threads of her jeans. "Barney… about yesterday."

"You don't have to talk about that."

"No, I want to." She took a breath. She leaned round to check that Cara hadn't emerged. "I… listen. I'm sorry I was so… I don't even know. I'm just… you're amazing. You're so damn brave, and so, unspeakably strong… and I don't think I said it enough." She looked up at him honestly.

"Thanks. But… you're strong too." He nodded.

"I can't ever thankyou enough for doing that and-… going through that and…. I know it's never going to make up for what you missed but I kind of did you a thing." She started rambling, as she turned to the table and retrieved a pink scrapbook.

He looked at her curiously.

"Open it." She tapped the book.

He did. And it was baby Cara. He turned the page, and he saw baby Cara with Robin.

He stared at the image in wonder.

He continued to turn the pages, and all he saw were more photos of Cara. And he saw his friends. Members of the gang with what was obviously their own kids, grown up from the last times he saw them. And new additions.

Inked between the photos were stories. He identified it to be Robin's handwriting straight away.

"You made this?" He gazed at it.

"Yeah. Is it ok? I only had last night and today for it… so it's not exactly perfect… but I mean it's got most of the stuff in it and-"

His body cut her off. The embrace was short, and slightly uncomfortable because of the book digging into her chest, but it wasn't awkward.

In that brief moment, actually being able to take in his scent for the first time in far, far too long, things felt better than they had in a long time.

"Thankyou Robin."

"I want you to have all that stuff… because, I mean I care about you so much and you deserve to have all of that. Y'know. You do." She had no idea how to express herself here.

She hoped her eyes said what she couldn't.

* * *

Later that evening, acclaimed Warlock Barnarderous of Awesome had left. Having been introduced to Cara's princess dolls, teddies and favourite books, Barney had joined in with several dinner table games as they ate up their spaghetti hoops and toast. Cara even wanted to eat her beans after he informed her that they could have magic.

Now, Robin was closing the bedtime story book and tucking Cara under her duvet. She was tired, and her eyelashes were fluttering in and out of focus.

"Momma?" She sort of slurred, snuggling beneath the sheets.

"Mmhm."

"Can girls wear suits?"

She adjusted her head onto the optimum spot of pillow.

Robin contemplated this thought. "Girls can wear suits if they want to." She told Cara truthfully. "And, boys can wear skirts if they want to. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, munchkin, then you do what makes you feel happy."

"Happy." She repeated sleepily, too tired to appreciate Robin's life lessons.

"Momma." She said again.

"Yeah?" Robin stroked Cara's hair.

"I think I would like a suit." She rolled over, curling herself up. "Suits are nice."

She fell asleep smiling. And still wearing her tiara.


	7. Reminiscing

_Hello all! Sorry it's taken me a while to update; I've been really busy, but I'm going to be more frequent now! :D (famous last words…)_

_I just want to thank all of you for helping me to hit over 100 reviews! Wow! I cannot say how awesome that is, and please keep on reviewing, because they make me so happy and help me to write! Every one of you reading and leaving your opinion counts. Thankyou all SO much. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)_

_(I promise it will get a bit more cheerful next chapter. For now, anyway *cackles into the distance*)_

_((By the way… I do plan on changing Leia's name to Penny! I'm holding out to see if we get the Mother's name soon, so then I can change them both in one go.))_

* * *

Ted stared blankly at his laptop screen. He'd been doing the same thing for the past hour, and the hour before that. In fact, most of the previous nights had been spent avidly refreshing news sites.

Everywhere, reports about Barney were available to be read. Pictures of the blonde were present in high resolution on front pages.

For the past 5 years, Ted swore that if he saw that face one more time, he'd take the opportunity to punch it. The way his face looked after Marshall slapped him would not even begin to compare to the mess it would be in after he was done with it.

He wanted to leave his smug, grinning expression unrecognizable. That pig of a man left Robin. Their Robin. Their Robin who had ached for her husband over the years.

He swore Barney Stinson would pay if he ever waltzed back into their lives.

And Barney used to claim to be Ted's best friend. So often, he would reinforce just how important, how _vital_ their friendship was. Seeing him leave without even a goodbye hurt Ted more than he had been willing to admit.

It made him wonder if all those 'legendary' nights were even real. All the things Barney had ever done for his group of friends, were they lies? In all honesty, Barney had always been closest friends with Robin. But he was still able to run her heart through with a chainsaw. Had he ever even liked Ted as a person?

He found his pupils unwaveringly fixed to the old photos of Barney plastered across websites, Ted couldn't deal with it. Knowing what Barney had been through.

That was his bro. His very best bro.

Barney talked himself up, yet in reality, quivered at the mention of a fight. He had childishly squealed at 'the slaps'.

As a kid, Ted used to pride himself on his vivid imagination. Sat at the back of his nursery classroom, he would look down on all the kids who couldn't play pretend properly. He pitied those who only saw beauty in a numbers rather than in a pen, paper, and mind.

His eyes met with the glazed computer screen eyes of Barney. He wished that he were one of those kids who could not imagine.

If he were one of those kids, then maybe he wouldn't be seeing Barney being beaten, blood trickling from his wounds and meeting in a pool around him.

If only he wasn't picturing that. If only that didn't have to happen to him at all. Ted wanted to lull against his laptop screen and wake up five years ago, with Barney unharmed and Robin happy. He couldn't live with the guilt of hating Barney, when the man was being tortured. Actually tortured.

Every time Ted had used that word to describe a grueling day at work now seemed to be a federal crime.

Barney _was_ tortured.

He clicked on another article and began to reread the same story he had been obsessing over for days.

"New York Male Tortured for half a decade'.

He could feel tears pricking in the back of his eyes.

No sooner than he had he finished the article, warm hands slipped over his shoulders. He felt Bella's lips on his cheek.

"You've been reading those for hours." She said quietly.

"Mmm." Was all he could answer.

She was silent for a while. She continued to massage his shoulders, before sitting down on the chair next to him at their oak dining table.

"It's not your fault."

"I don't think it's my fault." Ted retorted immaturely.

"But you're blaming yourself. Don't tell me you aren't blaming yourself a bit." He tore himself away from the screen at her words. Her large eyes were bright. Somewhere along the line, she had cupped his hands in hers.

"Aren't you?" He couldn't look at her properly.

"We can't blame ourselves. This has no-"

"Nothing to do with us. I know. We didn't know what was going on at Barney's work after he did that bust. We didn't know he kept signing the documents. We didn't know anyone was after him. We didn't know what the group of Koreans would interpret. We couldn't have done anything to stop him. This is literally so far from our fault that it's not even possible to blame ourselves." He paused, meeting her chocolate eyes. "But I'm blaming myself."

"Because you love him. He's your best friend."

"Marshall's my best fri- oh hell, I don't even know why I bother with that. Barney's just as much my best friend, and now he's gone through years of- years of fucking, oh you know." He broke off. He couldn't say it.

"I know." Bella murmured, lip wobbling. Ted could tell she was trying to be strong, but this was affecting her. "I always knew something was up."

"What?" Ted was confused.

"With him walking out on Robin."

"You couldn't have. We all hated him just the same." Ted couldn't take any more guilt. He couldn't feel like he was the only one who hated Barney.

"I hated what he did. But I always thought something had to have happened that we didn't know. That guy I met all those years ago… he loved Robin. He loved her."

"God. God I know. He loves her." Ted hadn't slept for over 24 hours. His brain was barely functioning, but new information was still rushing in. This meant that Barney had always loved Robin.

When he didn't know the full picture, he always wondered why he too didn't see through Barney. He wouldn't trade his life with Bella for the world. Nonetheless there remained a part of him that wished he could have protected Robin from this. He used to love her so much, after all.

But this whole time, Barney had been the one protecting her.

"I knew love when I saw it." Bella smiled. She reached up to touch Ted's face.

"How do you always know the perfect thing to say?" He returned her smile, voice becoming softer again, the way it normally was around her.

"Because I'm your wife." She moved closer, and Ted pulled her into a fierce hug. He held onto her hair and her waist. He blinked his eyes tight shut.

"We're so lucky." He spoke into her curls. "So lucky to have each other for all this time."

"They weren't so lucky." She said. He could tell she was crying, but trying to rein it in. So he held her tighter, unable to imagine what it must be like to have to let her go.

* * *

Barney sat in his bed pouring over photos from the book Robin had given him.

Easily, meeting Cara had been the best thing to happen to him.

He couldn't quite fathom how amazing that tiny person was to him. And staring at all the photos of her as a baby, he hated the fact that he had missed those moments. He wanted to have been there.

His index finger traced Cara's face in what was probably his favourite of all the photos.

It was titled 'Cara's first birthday'. In the picture, a Robin was kissing a laughing baby Cara's cheek. He couldn't quite get his eyes off that picture. How delightfully beautiful his girls were.

He memorized ever story Robin had written down. Every fact, every detail. Chuckling, he slid his hand across toddler Cara's hair in a photograph of her tragically holding an empty bag of mini muffins, tears streaming down her face. Underneath the image, Robin had written 'she's crying because somebody ate all of the muffins. It was her'.

On the locker, his phone buzzed, causing a loud, harsh sound as the vibrations knocked against the surface. He smiled when he saw the message was from Robin.

He tapped on the file attachment to reveal Cara, concealed partially by blankets, sleeping in her tiara. It was captioned with 'Sleeping Beauty wouldn't take her crown off.'

Something skipped in his chest. His daughter liked him. His daughter genuinely felt special because of him.

Again, the phone buzzed in his hand. _10.30 tomorrow?_

Barney quickly tapped the response 'yes' into his phone before shooting a glance towards the clock. The time was 5.47.

He rubbed his eyes, becoming slightly aware of how tired he actually was. He could barely recall the last time he had actually slept. For the past couple of days, everything had been a whirlwind. Finally holding his wife again, but being faced with the fact that she wasn't his wife. She was broken. And regardless of the fact that he did everything to save her, he couldn't shake the fact that it was still him who broke her.

The woman who he saw panicking on his couch wasn't Robin. Her thin frame shaking in his arms, retracting upon the realization that it was him. There was no doubt that she would have changed. But he could see that she'd lost herself. Buried it, perhaps.

Over the years, they had come so far in moving past their commitment phobia.

Barney still remembered the first night they ever properly spooned. Well, there had been many nights when they first dated where they would fall into each other's arms after sex, and awaken the next morning with guilty expressions as they found themselves embracing.

Then there were the days she wanted him to comfort her, and back then, he was too scared, too self absorbed to do anything about it. Right before his introduction to Robin 101, he'd never been a listener, simply brushing off her hints at wanting a conversation in favour of an awesome time at the bar.

She acted like she didn't care. She wasn't touchy feely, and that was what he loved. Back then it had been a mixture of trying to deny how incredible it was to have a more domestic life with her. But when he sauntered down to the bar and later returned for sex, he'd be able to see afterwards that tiny little look of upset.

He couldn't offer consolidations, nor was he the perfect boyfriend, all equipped with balanced arguments and days to spend 'talking it out'.

He had his arms. And he'd sort of keep her there, muddling his fingers through her hair. In the morning, they wouldn't talk about it. After all, cuddling was not meant to be part of 'barnman and robin'. They were two super attractive friends, who got on really well and happened to have mindblowing sex every now and again- oh who was he kidding- at _least_ three times a freaking day. Nothing more.

Which was probably why they didn't work out back then. Neither of them were ready.

Once they got engaged, it was a different story.

* * *

2012

* * *

He leant over her chest, breath heavy as he trailed light kisses from her ribs to her neck. She gave this soft kind of laugh, half a sigh, bucking her hips against his and running her fingers through his hair.

His lips reached hers, and he smiled at her. The genuine type of smile that Robin didn't even realize how horrendously she had missed.

She'd missed this. Him. Being with him.

Everything simply… stopped once they broke up. It never felt like they got proper closure. She just got dropped back into this friendly banter, trying to hide how badly she still wanted him.

And then there was that time when they cheated. She tried not to remember it, not to even count it because it made her feel like such an awful person. But she remembered that when he pushed inside her that night, frantic hands and grabbing.

It felt right. For the first time in god knew how long, everything felt right. The rawness of his lips attacking hers again. Passion that nothing else compared to. Hearing him moan, and remembering all the times they'd kissed. Thinking that all the seconds that hadn't been spent kissing were wasted.

She wasn't considering about consequences, and neither was he.

Because they were just _them _again. They both knew, then, that this was it. They'd always fall back to each other.

It got screwed up. She screwed up. Robin never expected to get a second chance.

Barney never expected to be good enough to make her happy.

Now they were here. They were engaged.

Engaged meant forever. Engaged meant marriage, and weddings, and spending rainy weekends watching old CSI reruns and arguing about getting a new pelmet fitted. Trust, and commitment, and compromising. Not exactly areas of her expertise. She wanted them to be, though. Together. With Barney, even the lamest and most tedious of activities became exhilarating.

She wasn't scared. Even though earlier that night, she'd have gone to her grave swearing that she was about as interested in Barney's love as she was in a toothpick, she wasn't scared about sharing the rest of her life with him.

It didn't feel like 'her life'. It was _their_ life.

Oh, she liked that.

He kissed all around her jaw, managing to find a spot she forgot even existed. It made her chuckle again, rubbing circles in his back with her nails.

"That." She murmured, still breathless. "Was…"

"Awesome." He told her cheek. "Like, _1000 _out of 10."

She shifted again as he pulled out of her. All shame out of the window, she whimpered a little at the loss, before quickly regaining her awesomeness.

"Eh. I disagree." She sat herself up, running her hands over Barney's abs. She could now. It was starting to sink in that his abs were just for her. His kisses were just for her, and his love was just for her, and hell, he'd even snuck into her house and stolen her Canadian flag mug, the perfect bastard.

"Disagree?" He seemed indignant, even though she was already wrapping her legs around him. "Disagree! Scherbatsky that's unacceptable. The barnacle express has not waited this long to reunite with your little robin, and cause her to 'choo choo' into the double digits for an 'eh'."

"Sh't up." She kissed him again. She could kiss him for the rest of the night if she wanted.

Her red dress was abandoned on the floor, after Barney had slowly and excruciatingly undressed her. The flickering light from the candles leapt against it, causing it to shimmer against the material, and fall across what could only be described as a nigh on _sea_ of rose petals.

"I was going to say 1000," she paused to stroke her palms along his cheek. "and 69."

For a moment he just stared at her. Already that night, he'd touched every inch of her body. They'd explored every part of each other for the first time in far, far too long. But again, he raked his gaze across her like she hung the stars.

Then he smiled. Grinned, actually.

"I fucking love you."

Even with choice language, those words prickled at Robin's eyes. The overwhelming blissfulness of it all made her start to tear up. She told herself to get a grip, and then recognized that she didn't have to.

She didn't have to hide anything anymore. She didn't have to sit at the bar and dig her heels into the oak floorboards as he recounted his conquests. Nor did she have to pretend she didn't want to bang him senseless when he did that thing where he removed his jacket and rolled his sleeves up high.

Crap, now she was crying. Maybe she could blame half on the fact that her toes hadn't yet uncurled from the last round of pure awesomeness.

"You're crying." He said. And he was holding one hand around her waist, and the other supporting her back. He nuzzled – _Barney Stinson_- nuzzled her cheek. "Why are you crying?"

"I just-" She submitted to the cringe-worthy cliché of wafting her eyes with her hands. "I fucking love you too."

"You're crying with lurve."

"Don't you laugh, Stinson. You did this. This is all your fault." She accused, leaning further into him and using her left hand to massage his neck. She couldn't even count the number of times she had been ordering drinks at the bar and wanted to do that.

"My fault?"

"Your fault." She nodded. "Your fault."

"Damnit, I love you." He repeated. Rolling the words off his tongue in front of her seemed foreign. For several nights, he'd said it to the air, but not yet the real Robin.

"You said that."

"I want to say it again."

She leant back into the pillows.

"I love you." He cupped her boobs, making her laugh.

"Me or them?"

"You. Definitely you. Your voice, and your hair. Your clothes, your walk, your laugh and your jokes. And your weird angry face… your emperor penguin obsession_ and _your really weird snoring. The gals are just an added bonus. For the record, you don't even know how much I've missed maple and syrup."

"I might tell everyone you call them that." She teased. "How much it turns you on that I'm Ca-"

"Don't even say it." He shook his head.

"Canadian. You're marrying a Canadian." With a quick kiss to his chest, she chuckled. "Let that sink in. You're going to be Mr. Barney Canada. No- _Barney Scherbatsky_!" She took a pause to touch his thighs. "Sweet timbits that sounds that sounds good."

He pulled back, removing his hands. She pulled them back to where they were, pressing their hips closer together.

"I can't believe my fiancé says stuff like sweet timbits."

"You want a bit of my sweet timbit?" She questioned.

He shook his head at her. Somehow, she managed to make Canadian donut puns the hottest thing on the planet.

"I want more than a bit. I just want your timbit. Only your timbit. For the rest of our lives."

"You're so romantic." She drawled sarcastically. Underneath her tone, they both knew she meant it. They were surrounded by the scent of the petals, following his promise to marry her.

The ring felt alien to her finger, but she already loved it. She made a pact right then and there to never take it off. No matter what happened, no matter what might go wrong along the road. Always.

She informed him of this about an hour later. They were lying under the sheets, catching the pace of their breathing up to normal. Barney never felt the afterglow with anybody but her. Every other girl, he didn't want to stick around.

However, with Robin, he wanted to hold her for as long as she'd let him. Post sex, he'd linger inside her for a bit longer than even she thought necessary. There was something delicious about knowing that this was going to be his life.

"I'm never taking this off." She remembered. Admittedly, it was hard to remember anything else after that. They were holding hands under the duvet with their bodies inches away from each other. He realized that he missed her eyes. He saw them every day, but he'd missed being this close to them.

He always got the credit for having 'blue eyes'. This seemed preposterous to him, staring into Robin's. They weren't as bright, perhaps, but they were somehow clearer.

They were so, _so_ full of love. He hadn't seen that much adoration, that much contentment in her eyes in… well, in ever.

"Your ring?" He smiled, brushing his thumb over it.

"Mmhm." She nodded.

He kissed her nose.

"I like that." She used her foot to play with his ankle. "The nose kissing."

"And the loving?"

"I love the loving. God, anyone who can go for that long." She grinned coyly, but stopped herself.

"Mmh?" He could tell she had something to say.

"More than that too." She tried to collect all of her thoughts. She both admired and envied the way he could put his love into words. She'd never been able to do that.

"I love that you love me, I mean, I, well, I love you. I just realized I never said it. Before. When we dated." She stroked his bottom lip with the hand that wasn't in his.

"S'kay. I know you meant it."

"No. It's not okay. I never said it… and I mean… you don't hear it enough. Maybe even at all… no… not that, um, I don't want the details of your relationships, but." Robin blinked. "I love you. I was so scared of everything back then. I wanted to push you, and make something that we weren't ready for."

"We're ready now."

"Little Barney's ready now." She noticed.

"He'll always be ready." He nudged her to prove it, but she lightly slapped him away.

"Too sleepy. You can't possibly want more sex than we've just had."

"I don't want anything more than what I've got right now." Barney spoke in his honest voice. The one he very rarely used, only on occasion, to divulge secrets. Like the fact that the trouble wasn't so troubling with her.

"You make me so happy. And I love you. You're the best person I know, and you're my best friend, and I just… really, really love you, Barn. I'm going to tell you more." She was crying. Barney thought it was remarkable how she managed to stay so beautiful, despite tears and sniffling.

"I could get used to that." He lightly removed his hand from hers and wrapped both of them around her, so they were resting on the small of her back. Instinctively, she did similarly, and let her hands meet at his back.

"Our arms are gonna be so numb tomorrow." She observed.

For possibly the hundredth time, he kissed her. Slowly, this time, locking their tongues. A while later, he broke apart, seeing her beaming. "Totally worth it." He boasted.

Ten minutes and they were both on the brink of sleep. As they had done on the rooftop, they just enjoyed being in each others arms. By this time it was early morning, and the light from the window was starting to stream joyfully into the room. Telling them that perhaps it was time to get up. Robin was exhausted, but hadn't felt this ecstatic in her life.

Just the same, Barney had a sense of completeness. Robin was in his arms. She was going to be his wife.

Every morning until he was old, grey, and regrettably less awesome, he'd fall asleep to her. Her breath against his chest, her hair tickling his chin. Earlier, he was surprised she didn't call him out for bringing up her snoring. He could tell she was awake at the moment, but even so, her snores were starting to take their form. Robin didn't snore like a normal person. She grunted and squeaked to a most displeasing tempo. It always used to wake him up.

He couldn't wait to hear it again every night.

Back when Lily was forcing them to define things (no matter how many times he insisted that he was happy just the way things were), he truly didn't know what he wanted out of their relationship. With Robin in front of him, looking confused and nervous in a green dress, asking him if being with her was what he wanted, he hadn't answered right. He'd been holding back. Trying to harness his feelings in.

He was done with that. This was what he wanted. To be with Robin, and do everything within his power to make her feel loved and happy.

He felt her shuffling against him, reorganizing herself so that she was even nearer to him. She pressed her lips to his adams-apple and sighed.

"I love you." She repeated. "I love you." She lazily draped her leg of his, reaching her head up to kiss his cheekbone. Then she lowered to a whisper. "I don't think I stopped. Not really."

"Me neither."

At that, she snuggled into their sheets and into his arms. He watched the fluttering of her eyelashes as she started to snore. He shut his own eyes then, only needing to know that she was there.

He knew that five years, ten years, any number of years from now, it would be like this.

* * *

present

* * *

Unable to sleep, Robin had slunk round to Cara's doorway. She refused to be alone with her thoughts. So much hurt and confusion was buzzing around her brain, and she simply couldn't sort it all out. Love, and hate, and sadness and excitement and sheer relief were all jumbling into one sea of emotion, and she felt a tiny bit like drowning. Cara always calmed her down.

Robin was almost jealous of her daughter. Sleeping peacefully in her bed, dreaming of something fun and princess related. Robin saw Woof the toy puppy tucked cozily under Cara's chin.

She glanced around the room, noticing all the little memories. Mostly, there were photos of the two of them. Robin wondered if that was going to change.

She was so used to doing all of this alone. She had become accustomed to feeling unloved by all but Cara. Cara was her everything. The one, tiny little being that was nothing but pure joy.

Sure, she had Aidan. Aidan who was lovely. Aidan who listened. Aidan who cared. Aidan who she thought she might love, but wouldn't ever love back… not 100%.

She didn't think Aidan could ever love her the way he loved his own wife. Ivy was still alive. She just couldn't remember her husband, and her children. Robin herself couldn't imagine a worse fate.

Forgetting Cara would be the worst form of agony.

All these years, Robin had wondered if it was worse or better that way. To have lost a partner who loved you, or one who lied to you so abhorrently that you could hate them.

That mindset had changed. She had been accustomed to dealing with loneliness. She was surrounded by a number amazing people. But as soon as she was in bed, and the lights were out, her heart felt so alone.

Now she was trying to come to terms with all that had happened. Sort out all the memories. She'd distorted her past with Barney over the years. It was all fake, wasn't it? Which meant that she couldn't have fond memories.

It was now her task to put a label on what she thought wasn't real, but actually was. She felt confused.

Her baby girl would have a father, and Barney would finally be able to be with his family. That was what he deserved, and what she wanted.

Except she felt like she'd be cheating him. She wasn't his family anymore. The girl he left was gone, and in her place was a person she didn't really understand. She rubbed her empty ring finger with a dash of guilt, sighing against the wall.

She slipped her hand into her dressing gown pocket and took a photo of Cara, sleeping soundly in her tiara. Instantly, she mailed the attachment to Barney. She knew how happy he'd be to see Cara in his gift. And she wanted him to be happy.

She also wasn't sure what the future held. How they were going to make this work. Frankly, how she was going to handle sharing the most important piece of her life. It was selfish, but she had been Cara's only parent. The change scared her. She couldn't lie and say it didn't.

She returned to her own bedroom and shut the door behind her quietly. With an almost inaudible thud, her purple slippers landed at the end of her bed as she slipped beneath her sheets.

She shivered slightly. Yes, she was Canadian, but it was also Winter. Plus, she was thinner than she used to be.

On the side of the bed sat a woolen blanket. Robin placed it over herself, determined to concentrate on the correct blanket folding rather than what she was feeling. She couldn't afford to overthink this.

She lay down on her back and attempted to ignore the sadness creeping across her. It always came when she was at night. She imagined Cara to cheer herself up.

It didn't stop the cold.

She shivered again and bit her lip. No. She wasn't going to cry, or get anxious, or analyze everything to death. Barney and Cara bonded. She was going to help teach him about Cara tomorrow. And everything would be fine.

That mantra in her brain made it easier to roll over onto the other side of the bed and try to sleep. Free space was one of the freedoms that came with sleeping alone in a double bed. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself.

(It wasn't as though she missed the warmth of somebody else.)

* * *

After his seventh read through of Robin's scrapbook, Barney was sure he had memorized everything.

Time was getting on, and he knew he needed sleep. Hell, sleep was practically dragging at his eyes. He had that feeling where his whole body had almost shut down, and his brain was beginning to switch to auto-pilot. He was desperate for some rest.

He just didn't want to have to deal with the nightmares.

He didn't want to cry. Tonight he was so happy. Nothing should ruin that. He shouldn't have to remember that cell.

Eventually though, his eyes finally shut. The mastery of his self control was good, so for the first few minutes, he only saw black. As he eased his mind into this state of serenity, he introduced some of the pictures of Cara.

Everything flashed. Dark. White. Then deep red. He saw was the familiar hue of the wall he used to face. His hands were free and clutching the pages of the book, but they felt shackled. A cool, metallic texture was mingling with his hot skin. He was yelling.

Five years on from their wedding, he'd have been screaming. Roughly calculating, it was probably one of the days when they chained him to the wall to beat him. He kept resisting. He should have given up by then, yet he hadn't.

His skin was rough and bruised. Some areas of had grown so weak and sensitive that they began to bleed as soon as fists and weapons made contact with them. By the end of beatings, he was left literally blackened. And they'd just leave him on the wall like that. Cold, sobbing, bleeding.

He snapped his eyes open. When he shot up to sitting, he realized that they were coated with tears. Through his long night shirt, his chest was trembling furiously.

Days previously, after he picked Robin up from WWN, she'd collapsed on his couch. One of the pillows from his bed quickly made a makeshift comfort for her; he couldn't leave head unsupported. The very same pillow now rested next to him.

His arms were shaking, and he needed something to do with them. He wrapped them around the pillow and took a deep breath.

If he tired hard enough, it smelt like her.

He truly thought they were done dancing around each other. That after he proposed, that would be it. Their happy ending.

Barney's whole body felt cold and tired as he kept his eyes firmly open, clutching the lifeless pillow. His lone breathing was the only sound in the silent room.


	8. Tacos

Next chapter you'll see Barney reuniting with the group :D

(Also, Aidan is in this chapter. I know you're all not exactly his biggest fans, but I hope you can warm to him a little bit. I'm not just going to brush him swiftly under the rug, because he is a part of the story, however ultimately, you don't need to worry, because this is a swarkles fic. But he matters to Robin right now, and I hope you'll stick with the story despite that.)

*hem hem* the time has come to just talk about a few things in the reviews section that are being discussed. I have been very tempted to weigh in with my own review and try to smooth some stuff out, but I'm going to just do that here instead. :)

First off, I've got to say that to a certain extent, you'll have to trust me. I like to keep my chapters relatively long, however there is a lot of ground to cover. I have everything planned out, and I'll tell you that it is genuinely impossible to fit in flashbacks, POV sections, enough of Barney's issues balanced with enough of Robin's, sections with Cara, romantic sections or whatever you may want into one chapter. I just can't do it.

So say, for example, I might plan one chapter to be about Robin (she seems to be getting the most hate, which bothers me a little but hey ho) doubting herself and the future. Then in the next chapter, it might explore the side of Robin that is willing to open herself up more (which was always my intention for this chapter). It takes a lot of my time that could be spend (and should be spent oops there goes my future) studying in order to write this, so I'll be honest, it can be a bit disheartening to hear a LOT of negativity when you are writing what seems to be desired right on the horizon, ready to publish!

These first chapters are covering a tight space of time, and I'm trying to make the emotions as fully developed as I can in these sections of words. In real life, I personally just cannot see somebody like Robin ready to open up to Barney without a serious self evaluation and a lot of worrying. I've already had her sharing her world with Barney more than I originally wanted to, because I think she'd be holding back even more, myself. I don't want to offend here, but you kind of do have to wait for me to write. I'm not saying I make no flaws, because that's just not true, but I have of course thought of and want to explore as many sides of this situation as I can, and I just need you to give me the chance to let Robin open up!

What I'm trying to do is write something I believe and am happy with. I thought about changing what I planned, but I'm going to try to stick with it. I think one guest said something along the lines of there being no point if they have no romantic feelings for each other. I'm going to address that for you all now, if that's alright.

The point of this story is that the romantic feelings they had were ruined- it's about falling in love again when you've been through so much shit that you (Robin) don't even know how anyone could even love you and (Barney) have had all of the relationship you were scared to even have to begin with knocked out of you physically. This will take time. I know how it's going to end, and I'm not just going to fling a cheap kiss and make up in the last chapter. There will be a process and you will get to see it. Just give me time and I'll do everything I can to satisfy what you want and give you the scenes you want. There is going to be some difficulties, but you will get to see them overcome them, and eventually try to work through their issues. I'm not forgetting that. I'm doing everything I can to make a plan that will hopefully satisfy you in the long run. However, despite the fact that I will promise romantic scenes later on, I didn't put romance as the genre, so as not to lead anybody on. Predominantly, this story is about family.

But the thing is, I am making her inner monologue slightly cold for a reason. She doesn't like herself. She moved on and she started living again, but she never truly got over her depression. She stopped hating herself but she never started loving herself again. She has perhaps the biggest trust issues of anyone to exist. She's scared half to death and her whole world has just turned around. Somebody else said that it seemed as though she wished he never came back. There is a part of her that wishes that, certainly. NOT because she doesn't want him there, but because until not even full DAYS AGO, she didn't have any reason to want him there. She didn't know about any of this, any of his side of the story, and frankly, it's going to change everything she knows and holds dear to her. And she is very very scared. Not to mention tired, confused, and not really thinking about forging a friendship and trying to rebuild her marriage.

She's trying to make things right for Cara and make Barney as happy as she can without involving herself. She's trying not to break. Honestly. She's trying not to break into pieces. Cara is the most precious part of her life, and the thing she loves more than anything else in the universe. Already, she's trying to share her with Barney. That was the gesture I intended there to be. This chapter involves a little bit more of talking about 'them'. But this isn't going to be quick and easy. I do truly want to stress that I'm not writing angst for the sake of it, or trying to drag things out just because I can. I genuinely want to express the plot I came up with in the best way that I can. I'm sorry if I'm letting you down in the way that I'm writing. I can't apologize enough for that.

Lastly- please try to be nice to each other in the reviews! Constructive criticism is widely appreciated, but some of your reviews, and I am very, very grateful for all of them, are verging on unkind towards people who have a different viewpoint to you. I'm all for a debate, but it just seems like a war is about to break out, and I really don't like wars. Negativity towards others is never something I wanted to create and certainly not something that I want to encourage. Please be as nice as you can when discussing with others! Thankyou, but also please keep reviewing because you are letting me know what problems you have that I need to go into more depth with. (Also those lovelies who reassure me and are genuinely little cutie English muffins; you all can't get enough thankyous. gUyS ur MakING me BaSHFuL)

Sorry if this came across as too forceful; I really don't want it to be! Please don't think I'm cross with any of you reviewers- in fact I'm inordinately grateful that you took your time to leave your opinion, which clearly you feel strongly about!

Ultimately, I'm going to try my best to stick to a plot that I like, but I always _always _try to make it something that you guys will enjoy as well. I know I'm not by a long way anything special, however writing does really make me happy! And seeing that other people get invested in things I've written just- I seem way too over the top about this but yeah it makes me really really happy, so thankyou.

(on with the story! You're a saint if you ploughed through all my ranty crap! :D)

* * *

Having just dropped Cara off at school, Robin was busy preparing the house for Barney to come round. Last night, he was able to learn quite a bit about Cara, and she hoped that her scrapbook helped him to pick up even more information about her. However she knew it still wasn't enough. Robin could talk about Cara nonstop for days if she was asked to. There was still such a huge amount that Barney didn't know, and she simply couldn't teach him everything overnight. Lots of it could only be discovered from actually spending time with her.

It wasn't going to stop her from educating him the very best she could about his daughter. Were the roles reversed, she knew that he'd be doing absolutely everything within his power to integrate her into Cara's world. Yes, she couldn't help feeling slightly reluctant to invite somebody to take equal status as herself with Cara, but she there wasn't a doubt in her mind that it was right. Barney deserved to be Cara's parent just as much as she did. And after everything he had suffered through, he deserved to get to that place as soon as possible.

She moved around the kitchen and decided which things in that room would be good to show Barney. For example, what things Cara can and can't touch. Barney not being around for Cara growing up meant that he knew virtually nothing about what's safe for children. Whilst adjusting the childlock hinge on the cleaning products cupboard, she made up her mind to show Barney all Cara's favourite snacks and how to make them. They were only little things, but she had a feeling they'd mean a lot to him.

As she was reaching into a drawer, she heard the definite click of the door. Instantly, she jumped. Not many people had the key to her apartment. Before she could stop it, a tone of anxiety filled her.

She turned around, almost fearful of what she would see.

"You're ok."

Aidan. Of course.

Aidan.

The realization hit her that over the past 48 hours, she had been perhaps the worst girlfriend to walk the planet.

She had a panic attack on a live broadcast and completely failed to notify him. Aidan must have been worried out of his mind not knowing if she was alright. He knew Barney's name, and obviously would have understood the story. That would leave him not knowing if she was safe, not knowing what she was thinking and not knowing if they even had a relationship anymore.

God. Oh, god, was this going to be the talk? At the moment, sorting her love life out was the last thing she could be thinking about. She needed to make this right for Cara and Barney. There just hadn't been time to negotiate who she wanted to be with. She didn't even know if she was capable of being with anybody.

Yet she's with Aidan. They've known each other for three and a half _years_. He's supported her when she didn't know what she was doing with her life. He listened to every random thought that popped into her head and made her feel as though they were epiphanies worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize.

It struck her then that she didn't want things to change between them. Yet there was no denying that they were going to. Aidan was steady, and Aidan never pressured her. But he'd be mad not to want an answer on this. What was going to happen with them?

She swallowed, staring at him. His eyes were bright and concerned.

Then his face broke out into a smile.

"You're okay." He breathed. There wasn't enough time in the day to get over to that side of the room for him. He moved swiftly past the couch and table to get to her. Before she could apologize, or justify, or even speak at all, he had scooped her in his arms.

For the first second she was tense.

He was her boyfriend. So she shouldn't be feeling this guilty for hugging him.

Her arms sat limply at her sides as the hug continued. She was thinking of Barney; she couldn't help herself. Was she meant to pick between them right here and now? Was she somehow cheating on Barney by hugging the man who'd been there for her whenever she asked?

She shut her eyes. For a moment, she debated pulling away. But Aidan smelt of green tea and that weird spearmint gum he liked. Within the past day, her whole world had slipped through her fingers and morphed into something else without her having any control over it. She was half expecting to wake up and find this all to have been a dream. Some crazy, messed up dream.

Her body hurt. Physically hurt from this knowledge that her husband went through years of abuse to protect her. She wanted to curl into a tiny ball and sob from the mental images alone. Her back was aching, and her mind was running in about a thousand circles and different trains of thought, each as terrifying as the next one. And the fact that she no longer had much control over her future was terrifying.

It was all unknown. Everything. She couldn't compile her feelings- feelings for Barney, feelings for Aidan, unequivocal regret that Barney went through this and stone hard hatred of herself for her many years of wishing he'd bleed for leaving her and Cara. Half of her felt like those wishes had been granted, and this was her fault. All rationality assured her it wasn't, but rationality was deserting her.

She was scared. Scared, and hyperaware of the fact that she is a mother to a little girl on the brink of something very important. Aidan's arms were so warm around her and for just a second she was able to forget this war inside herself, forget about what happened to Barney, and just be _Robin._

"You're ok. Thank god you're ok, Robin." He pulled away from her, still keeping his arms on her waist.

"I'm so sorry I didn't contact you." She blurted out immediately. "I'm so, so sorry! You had no idea what happened to me did you and I- I've been doing everything on my work phone not my normal phone… and I haven't even been looking for texts and I just can't stop thinking about everything." As soon as she began to talk, it was hard to stop.

"Robin it's fine. Seriously, it's fine. I can't even start to imagine what you're feeling." He gave her a look of sympathy.

"I know you're going to want to know what's going on with you and me. I know and I'm just- I mean I've seen him. That night and yesterday."

She watched his face fall. He seemed like a rabbit caught in headlights, awkwardly removing his arms from where they were.

"Oh. Oh- I'm sorry for touching you like that then. I um- wow. I mean I'm happy for you Robin." He tried to look genuine, but he was about as good at acting as she was at keeping herself together.

"No! No, no Aidan I mean- it's not like that. We're not back together."

"You're not?" there was a small smile returning to his eyes.

"I can't- I just can't go back to what we were and it's- it's been only one full day Aidan. One day and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to- look, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry, I'm going off on a whole… no, no it doesn't matter. It's stupid." She cut herself off, meeting eyes with Aidan. His were green and broad, looking at her with so much care.

"Robin you matter. You matter and you're incredible." He said confidently.

She blinked.

"Please talk to me. I want you to be able to talk about how you feel."

"I don't know how I feel. I feel like- well, I feel like- I don't know! I don't know about us, and I don't know about him. I don't know what I'm meant to do here, what this guy is even like now. He's been so sweet… but what if he's violent. One freaking day Aidan, and what if I'm making the worst decision of my life and he ends up hurting Cara? Even if he doesn't mean to… what if I put them both in that position and it's my fault? I'm so terrified of everything and that I'm going to screw this up. I don't want to screw us up Aidan."

"You're not going to. You don't have to talk about this now. I thought- I didn't try to come here yesterday because I thought you'd need time to deal with this. That was so dumb Robin, I should've been here." He admitted. He ran his thumb along the countertop nervously.

"You haven't done anything wrong Aidan." She informed him plainly, trying to convey everything with her expression.

He reached his hand to brush over hers, stroking her palm with his index finger and smiling softly at her, but with an undertone of sadness. Maybe like he was about to let something go.

"It's ok if you want to break up with me. I understand. You guys were married…"

Her head tilted ever so slightly, opening and closing her mouth in the manor of a fish, the way she so often did when somebody dropped a revelation onto her and she didn't know how to react.

In her silence, Aidan seemed to decide that was her answer.

"I get it." He spoke sadly.

Quickly, she caught his hand, one that he had just released his grip from. "No."

"No?" His eyes were so full of hope that she couldn't bear the idea of breaking his heart.

"I'm not going to drop you like that. We've been together for so long and you've been there and that matters Aidan. You've cared for me and I'm not just going to sweep you under the rug. But I need time to breathe? Is it ok if we have time to breathe?" Robin's lip was wobbling. Her intonation was jittery and frightened.

"Babe of course it's ok. Of course it's ok."

"This is all happening so fast." She half whispered.

"I don't want to pressure you. You can take as long as you need to figure this out. Just please remember that it matters that you're happy too. Please, babe, please don't just do something that's going to make you miserable because you don't want to do the wrong thing."

The corners of her mouth twitched. "I'll try."

He looked as though he was about to leave to give her some space, when he properly raked his eyes over her body. It wasn't in a sexual way; instead, he looked quite shocked.

"You're really shaking." He observed.

"Sorry." She looked down and tried to massage her arms. She needed to get more control over herself.

"No, it's just um… when was the last time you ate something?"

Robin's brain ticked.

And then her breath felt awfully short.

"Oh shit."

"Robin when." He pressed forward. She wasn't meeting his eyes.

"Maybe yesterday breakfast." She mumbled shamefully.

"Yesterday breakfast!" Aidan gasped, holding his hands out in a gesture to her. "Robin that's dangerous!"

"I didn't mean to, I just- I ate breakfast with Cara… and then I spent the whole day making this scrapbook thing for Barney and then I was so nervous and Cara was freaking and then I made them dinner and I just sort of- watched them. I mean I normally get cans that serve two so there wasn't enough, but I meant to open another." She stressed this, forehead all crinkled. "They looked so happy talking together and it's the first meal and they're family and I forgot all about me."

"I'll fix you something." He nodded, going into mother hen mode. He literally flapped his arms a little as he approached the fridge, extremely flustered.

"What if I stop eating again?" she asked him in a small voice. Rarely did she reference the time when she wasn't eating since it was such a dark place. But it was after Cara's birth, and she had lost all respect for her body now that her child wasn't in it anymore. She could _not _go back to that place.

"You won't." he promised, delving into her pantry cupboard.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because." He turned around now, holding a large bag of pasta. "You believed I'd stop having panic attacks when I never thought I'd be able to take my kids out in public again. And I believe you're going to do just fine because you love Cara too much to stop eating."

This was true. Never, ever could she get herself into a state where she wouldn't be stable enough to take care of Cara. But at the same time, she was almost on the brink of breaking right now.

"I'm such a mess." She said to the ground. "Why do you even like me?"

Aidan turned around, appearing utterly horrified at even the notion that she could insinuate such a thing.

"Robin Scherbatsky. I will not take this." He stamped his foot.

"You look very threatening." She mumbled jokingly.

"Silence, you. Now. You are no mess. You are one of the most kick ass women I've ever known. And not only that, but you keep kicking even when life kicks you so hard that most people wouldn't get back up. And you're beautiful."

She snorted, gesticulating to the slouchy green sweater, messy ponytail and utter lack of any make up or grooming. "I look like the Grinch at the moment."

"I didn't say anything about looks, did I." He watched at her seriously.

At that, when she felt like tears were in danger of spilling over, she got up from the kitchen stool she had taken residence on and got up to hug Aidan. She grabbed the back of his dark hair and used her other hand to clutch his sweater. He dropped his pasta bag in the flurry, but closed his arms around her too when she was in his arms.

"Thankyou so much." She breathed, yanking the tears back up into her eyes. She stayed in his embrace for a good few minutes whilst he simply swayed with her. This was some of the closest physical contact they'd ever had.

After another minute passed, she loosened her grip. Before she pulled away, he did something he hadn't done since one of their first dates.

He kissed her cheek. Lightly, and free of suffocating commitment. But it felt nice.

Until they heard an awkward blustering behind them.

Robin turned to find a very forlorn looking Barney standing in the living room, holding a large bag from the Disney store.

"I- the- your door was open." He muttered quietly.

If the ground could have swallowed her up, she'd have thanked it. Because honestly, honestly there was no possible worse time for Barney to walk in.

Not that she had the time to formulate any sort of plan, but in her head, she never intended Aidan and Barney to meet. They were two separate worlds, and two very separate areas of her life. And what's more, if they were going to meet, it shouldn't be like this.

Barney shouldn't have to see her and Aidan doing the sort of things that she and Barney used to do. It would hurt him too much. All she wanted to do was shift all pain away from Barney, because she already felt sure that he had experienced far too much of it. She wanted to protect him from that. She also wanted to save Aidan the unease. Once again, she simply didn't know which person she was supposed to be most loyal to in this case, but she knew that they were both extremely important to her. Neither of them should have to be in this situation.

Aidan and Robin leapt apart instinctively. Aidan looked straight at the floor, sifting his fingers through his hair, something Robin noted immediately to be one of his nervous ticks.

"You must be Aidan." Barney said. She couldn't tell if he looked more sad or jealous.

"Yes. Yeah- yes. Aidan… is me. Aidan Percival. Aidan Orlando Percival actually, but I don't really like my middle name so I tend to tell people it's Andy and why am I telling you this. Robin why am I telling him this?" He was getting stressed. Robin clocked the fact that his knees were shaking a little. She'd find it adorable if this whole situation wasn't so sick. This was messed up. This was so messed up that everyone in this room was hurting so much just from being there together.

Nothing should have to be like this, she thought.

"I'm Barney."

"I know. Well, of course I know, well, you don't know I know. You might know. I don't know. I- should I go. I should go. I should go." He repeated himself, nodding rhythmically. "I um… Barney I'm sorry for what you had to have happen- I know it's not my place but- I-"

His speech was so impaired by this point that Robin desperately wanted to rescue him, but simply hadn't a clue what to do in this situation.

"We'll sort this out later." She nodded at him, managing a wide smile. "Promise."

"M'kay." He headed for the door, picking up the satchel he must have dumped on the couch as he entered. He had nearly cleared the room when he pivoted back around. "Oh! Robin, you need to eat. Right now you've got to eat something. Preferably with carbs."

"I will."

With that, he surveyed the room once again. Guilt echoed all over his face when he saw Barney. He looked down and then back up. Then he left.

The atmosphere in the room could have been sliced with a knife.

"Barney I'm so sorry you had to… walk in on that." She apologized.

"On what?" He tried to brighten things up, and make it seem as though everything was alright. Blatantly, it wasn't. "I'm not gonna pretend it doesn't hurt, but all I walked in on was you and your boyfriend cuddling."

Hearing him say the word cuddling felt out of place. When they were together, the word was said in such a mocking tone that it was impossible for her to take him seriously saying it now. Only it was, because he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and she hated it.

"We weren't cuddling. I promise. I was just upset and he was comforting me and that's all." She didn't know why she was backtracking on her status with Aidan. That wasn't fair on him. On the other hand, flaunting her relationship wasn't fair on Barney.

"You don't have to validate it. I remember what I wrote and I put that I never wanted to see you again. You had every right to find somebody who made you happy and you did." He was fiddling with the hemline of his suit at the wrist. It made her heart sore to see it, because Barney (well, her Barney, anyway) would probably embark on a 5 month long lecture about suit maintenance if he saw somebody picking at the embroidery.

"You don't have to act like you're ok with it though." She avoided his eyes, sniffling. It dawned on her that she must look a total wreck. "I know I wouldn't be ok with it."

He properly looked up this time. There was this hope returned to him that she had seen moments ago reflected in Aidan, and she got this horrible guttural sense that she was going to end up wounding both of them.

"You wouldn't?" He did that really small smile that was about a thousand times truer than the fake smiles he'd put on for his plays. And now it was occurring to her that yeah, all of those smiles from before had been real.

She stemmed the shaking in her fingers by clutching them together. _Pick your words carefully, Scherbatsky. Don't say anything that would be incriminating to you and Aidan. _But at the same time, how could she possibly not give this man something to hold onto after years of nothing?

Briefly in her mind, she conjured up an image of Barney with some faceless, nameless woman. Her returning at last, with expectations of finally feeling his warmth and his kisses again, only to have to watch as he offered them to his new girl.

A wrench turned in her heart. _That's what you've done to him_. There, again, was the voice. Snide and manipulative, trying to pit her against herself. She wasn't going to let it do that. Not again.

"It, um-" She had to pick what she was going to say right this second. _Only a true bitch wouldn't say something sympathetic._ It was more confident now, the voice. It seemed to have latched itself onto her areas of insecurity and were starting to eat away at them. _Or did your Dad manage to beat all that out of you? Maybe he'd be proud now, you turning him away. Your Dad never liked him. You're thinking more and more like him. Selfish. _

She wanted to scream.

None of these words, none of these thoughts would just subside for long enough for her to think. She bit down hard on her lip, and somehow, the truth managed o fly out.

"It would kill me to see you with some other girl." She played with a strand of loose hair, tucking it behind her ear. Anything to distract her hands from trembling so damn much.

He assessed her. She could see him eyeing her up, running some sort of scan across her and deciding something.

"What did he say about eating something?" Barney questioned in a quiet voice.

The last thing she wanted to do was give Barney more bad things to struggle with. Whatever this was, it wasn't good.

"I, well, I forgot to eat. Yesterday." She mumbled.

"You haven't been eating?" Concern was so rife across him that she was ready to break down right in front of him. _It's awfully selfish of you to do this. Even bring it up, because don't you know that he wouldn't have had any food. He'd have been nearly starved._

"No! I have been. I _always_ eat. I haven't not eaten for- y'know what, that doesn't matter. I just got thinking about some other stuff and I didn't remember." That excuse sounded weak even to her own ears.

"Don't you get hungry?"

"Weirdly… no."

"C'mon, you used to eat like a bear." Maybe it was a touch too forward, too similar to their old banter, but he couldn't help himself. Every memory he had of Robin and mealtimes were ones where she would manage to eat about twice as much as him, continue to demolish a pack of oreos and peanut butter whilst he did his routine sit ups, and then wake up in the morning looking more svelte than she did before.

Not to mention the fact that when Robin got hungry, she got moody. There were also her tendencies to fall asleep in sporadic places, like the fullness of her stomach somehow affected her ability to stay awake.

He had to refrain from chuckling at the thoughts of her slumping her snoozing body over his halfway through one of Lily's dinner parties, where Robin had been forbidden from sampling any of the spread before the others arrived.

"Um- a bear." She snorted disbelievingly. "I ate like a lady."

"You ate not only like a bear, but a wild one that hadn't seen sunlight for a decade." He challenged, praying it would get a smile out of her. Evidently she had changed, but maybe she retained some of her old sense of humour?

She smirked. "At least I didn't bring one to our wedding."

"Fair game, Stinson." He held up his hands.

"Scherbatsky." She corrected. Then felt terrible for doing so.

After they got married, she kept her name for work purposes, but Barney slowly adjusted his nicknaming technique in their own apartment. First it was a 'Mrs. Stinson' in a sexual way, letting her know that they were actually married now. Two married people. Next it was a 'Mrs. Stinson' to let her know that she was being a boring old housewife and getting that giant Star Wars themed football table installed in her office would be a great use of space.

It developed into her causal nickname. Throwing it into places where he would have called her Scherbatsky.

Of course, of course he knew her name was Scherbatsky now. There was no doubt she would have changed it; he even saw it on her news show. Cara's name was Scherbatsky, undoubtedly proving that Robin had changed it back.

He felt like an idiot for saying it.

"So, you wanna go grab some tacos?" He changed the mood before it could make things any more weird. He was very conscious of what not eating could do to a person; he knew about that first hand. He could see her body trembling no matter how hard she tried to hide it. He easily recalled that she had a soft spot for Tai and Chinese, but tacos always remained her favourite junk food.

When she was pregnant with Cara (perhaps the sweetest memories he had, despite their shortness) she would eat them constantly and everywhere. In bed, on the couch, at the bar. Even in his suit room, because she said 'the extra hot chili cheese sauce tasted better in there'.

And frankly, he needed to see her eat one again. He may have to come to terms with not being able to hug her and kiss her like he wanted to. For now, even something as tiny as watching her eat her favourite meal would be enough. A throwback to them, Robin and Barney. That small fragment of their domestic life together.

He was surprised to see her look so uncomfortable at her suggestion.

"I don't really like tacos anymore." Robin licked her lips, shifting her weight onto each hip, appearing far too fidgety for Barney's liking.

"Bu-" he used his hands to gesture. "But you love tacos!"

"I did… but then I kind of stopped eating them when I was pregnant." She tried to explain it.

"Stopped! Robin, she made you eat them 24/7."

"Yeah but after that… I stopped."

She always told herself that it was purely because she didn't like them anymore. Some weird food aversion or something. Deep down, however, she knew there was more too it than that. She hadn't forgotten that Barney once used tacos as an accidental metaphor for loving her. Which had turned out to be a lie, or so she thought. Tacos didn't seem the smallest bit appealing with that knowledge.

"Oh." Self-reproach fell over him. He felt as though he should know that. He should have been there for all her little quirks over the years.

"But… I could try some again now."

"Y'don't have to."

She stepped forward now, walking over to next to him. "No… Barney I want to."

He smiled.

"Kay."

* * *

The taco place was the one they used to go to. On the cab ride there, they had rigidly discussed Cara only. Robin had covered a couple of basic facts; best friends, kids she didn't like, things she was scared of. By the time they had sat down and ordered, Robin was just finishing a diatribe about Cara's irrational fear of stepping on cracks in pavements.

Green was the predominant colour of the room. Green seats, pale cream wallpaper, but with most of the décor green. From one of her highly irritating and overall rather unhelpful group counseling sessions that Lily cajoled her into joining, Robin learned that green was a calming colour. That was good.

"Green is also Cara's favourite colour." Robin informed, playing with the shell of her taco as she watched Barney eating his.

"Rmffly?" Barney seemed surprised, mouth full of food, taking a moment to swallow. He then elaborated. "I'd have thought pink? Surely pink?"

"You'd think pink. She does love pink. But green's the winner. Reminds her of nature."

"Ah. She likes animals then?"

"Loves them. She's desperate for a puppy but I keep telling her no." Robin pulled a bit of cheese from underneath a lettuce leaf.

"Why?" He asked, not seeing why a puppy wouldn't be a great present. She always thought that Barney would have spoiled Cara beyond all sanity if he had been there for birthdays and Christmases.

"I- well I'm a single mom with a five year old and a high profile job." She tried not to be too blunt.

"You don't have to be a single mom anymore. I know it's only been like, what, a day? But I'm in this for the long haul. I'm not going to miss anything else. I want to be there for everything. Whenever she needs me."

"I know you are." She assured. "It's gonna take some getting used to, Barn, but I know- I'm just so used to doing this alone."

She didn't seem to notice that she was calling him 'Barn' again, but he did. It made him feel like perhaps there is a chance that there's still something there.

He was about to ask her if she wanted another taco when it struck him that she hadn't even begun her first.

"Your taco." He nodded to it.

"Oh, right. Course." She continued to stare at it as if there were a human foot on her plate.

"You need to like, y'know, bite it." He joked. Her knee was knocking, even though she had her hand on it. Her foot wasn't too stable- he could feel it tapping up and down quite near to his. "What?" he asked.

"What, what?"

"What's up?"

"Nothing. Nothing. It's-" She started to dismiss.

"Stupid?" he finished for her. "Don't 'it's stupid' me. I'm here. Not just for Cara."

Her wobbling hand lifted up the taco and evaluated it. She let out a humorless laugh.

"It's just that I've been… not eating tacos for so long. I convinced myself I didn't like tacos. Tacos were bad, and I thought all this horrible stuff about tacos. I hated tacos. I thought tacos made me sick when really it was me. I used to eat them so often and then all of a sudden tacos just stopped. Tacos didn't even want me to eat them and they never had. So I thought all this really, really toxic stuff about tacos, and blamed them but now I know that all those thoughts were wrong. And even though I know they're wrong, it still feels so soon to start eating tacos as often as I used to eat tacos. I mean…" She took a break to look at him. She was stuttering nervously, but ploughed on with the metaphor. "You used to love tacos so much- no, sorry, you do love tacos and I've had all these years of a different perspective of- well, tacos. And I want tacos in my life again but I don't know how. And I'm not ready to be in love with tacos again. I hated tacos for such a long time, but tacos have always been the same tacos. I just didn't see it."

"And now you don't want to eat tacos because you're scared of if you'll like them again, or if you'll be right all along and they won't taste nice and they'll make you sick." Barney supplied.

"Yeah." She breathed. "But Cara… she's never even eaten a taco before. And I just know she's going to love tacos so much. But for me… it's not going to be so quick. I want to start having more tacos, but I really need time." His blue eyes pierced hers, and she remembered when she fell in love with them.

She shook herself. You need to sort things out with Aidan. You need to make things good for Cara.

"I can give you time." He said. "And for the record, I'm always going to have tacos. Even when I'm not in the mood for tacos, or if they make me feel a bit sick or if the topping isn't looking so great. Because I just love tacos. More than any other food… and I don't mind that you're not ready to eat them yet."

"I don't want to lead you on." She dropped to a whisper. "I can't go back. Barney I do… I do, love _tacos_ deep down. But it's a different love. I know it's not the one you want but I can't give you that and I don't want to lie to you." Pieces of cheese and tomato were falling from her taco as her grip quaked. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You could never do that."

"If I let you down Barney… if I make things worse for you-"

"As your friend, I'm telling you that you can't make things worse. Just seeing you again makes everything ok." His voice melted at the end of the sentence.

"We're friends?" She murmured desperately. "I want to be your friend."

"You'll always be my friend. My bro."

"We still doing bros?" She chuckled.

"Course we're still doing bros. You're the best bro. Chief of bros, if you will."

"I'm not sentenced to bro hell?"

"There's a special place in bro heaven reserved for you. You'll like it there. Everything's awesome up there." She could see how hard he was trying to make her see that he's still Barney. She can sense how badly he wants her to love him that it nearly kills her.

"Bro heaven sounds nice." She agreed.

"It is nice. We get to play a lot of laser tag."

"Tell me more about bro heaven." She requested, taking a bite of taco. As soon as the taste met her mouth, she wondered how she'd gone this long without it.

* * *

With Cara now picked up from school, she was in a particularly bouncy mood, skipping about all over the living room.

"And then we finger paint." She explained giddily. "And then and then and then we do dress up and I had my tiara and it was amazing!"

"I bet you looked beautiful." Barney grinned.

"I did! Oh! Momma?" She practically hollered. Robin was no more than a few yards away. She didn't seen Cara this loud very often.

"Yeah baby?"

"Me and Arianna are friends again now."

"That's great sweetheart. Did you both say sorry?" Robin vaguely recalled Cara being stuffy yesterday about her and her best school friend falling out over a purple sparkle gel pen. She hadn't wanted to talk about it much then.

"Yeah and I got sticker for sharing." She pointed happily to a bright yellow star on her blue stripy cardigan that said 'I shared today'.

"I'm proud of you sweetie." Robin smiled. "You can go put that on your chart if you want."

Giggling, Cara hopped over to her sticker chart and peeled the star from her cardigan and onto her chart. She stood back and admired her handiwork. Then a thought seemed to occur to her, and she beckoned Robin forth.

"Momma?" She said. Seconds later, Barney witnessed Cara whispering something in Robin's ear. Swaying where she was, Cara clapped her hands together.

"Barney." Robin said, amused. Cara tugged her sweater. She rolled her eyes. "High warlock Barney."

"Tankyou." Cara approved.

"Princess Cara has a gift for you." Robin received another little tug. "Alright, little bossypants. A _really great_ gift for you."

With that, Cara was darting over to the other side of the room to rustle through her backpack. Her school one was shaped like a ladybug. It only took her a few moments to produce a crumpled sheet of sugar paper.

"Mister Barney." She started off, continuing to sway excitably. "This for you." She handed him the paper with a huge smile.

On the drawing was a green wax crayoned blob with a misshapen pink hat. Next to that blob was another blob, this time with what could almost be distinguished as a suit and a pointy stick with rainbow dots coming out.

"It you and me and you doing magic and there's my tiara and here is your wand and in the back is a zebra."

"A zebra?" Barney quizzed. He was trying not to choke up, because damnit if this wasn't the best thing he'd ever been given.

"Nobody use the white crayon and it looked sad so I use it. And zebras are nice." She added as an afterthought.

"Do you love animals?" He helped Cara onto his knee, where she sat contentedly.

"I DO love animals!" She seemed very animated at this, waving her hands. "I like kittens and zebras and cows and horses and parrots and monkeys and uncle marshall says that a monkey robbed him but I don't believe him. Oh and hamsters like Aubrey Daniel and Marvin's hamster Pudge. But what I really like and want." She leaned in close, about to divulge a secret. Barney played to this, appearing as intrigued as he could. "Is a puppy."

"Puppies are awesome."

"I don't have a puppy." She told him forlornly. A devious grin appeared on her face, and she looked both ways before lowering her voice to a stage whisper. "_Yet_."

"What was that Miss. Cara?" Robin raised her eyebrow.

Barney was caught up in the drawing. To think that just a few months ago, he was in an institute trying to learn how to be a person again. And before that, he was nothing more than a hunk of meat, there to be damaged in exchange for information he'd never give up.

He had a life again. With the most beautiful little girl he could ever imagine drawing him pictures.

"I love my drawing, princess Cara. Thankyou so much." He dared to hug her closer to him. She had a very strong scent of banana milk and PVA craft glue.

"You welcome." She kissed his cheek. Barney was aware of his heart expanding a good five sizes.

Cara was then up, ready to show Barney her 'my little ponies' and 'care bears', because apparently, they needed a tea party really badly. Word on the street was that Sunshine Bear was sad and needed some friends to play with him. Barney felt like he could relate to Sunshine Bear rather well.

* * *

Hours later, with Cara tired out and fast asleep, Barney and Robin were tidying up some of the toys lying around the living room.

Robin's phone buzzed against the cabinet it was resting on. Barney leant over to pass it to her, seeing Aidan's ID on the screen.

"Aidan." He said as he passed her it. She awkwardly took it from him with a thankyou. It was a simple text asking if she's feeling better and he hopes she has a good night. She quickly typed out a response and plonked the phone back down on a nearby surface.

"He's a nice guy." Barney disclosed. To this, Robin turned, partially surprised at this declaration and partially worried he was doing this simply for her sake.

"You don't have to talk about him if it makes you uncomfortable."

"It doesn't. I'm not going to be his biggest fan… but I can tell he cares about you and that's good. As long as he treats you well."

"He does." Robin smiled sadly.

"Nice bone structure too. I was kind of hoping he'd be ugly. And fat. Aidan did sound like a the name of a fatty."

"Barney!" She laughed reproachfully.

"Well. I mean his dress sense could have been better. Sweater, plaid shirt and corduroy jeans is hardly a suit." He ran his hands up and down himself. She laughed again. Encouraged, he went further. "And what was with that satchel?"

"I got him that satchel." She piped up.

"Oh. In which case the satchel was… great. Loved it." He slipped into his deep voice, trying to feign cockiness. She missed it when she put that sort of voice on. Pretending Nick had 'chicken legs' out of jealously.

"I'm kidding. He knows I hate his satchel."

"Thank god." He breathed a sigh of relief. "He's got that hipster vibe."

"I'd never date a hipster. I have some standards." She shook her head.

"Do you guys listen to indie music at starbucks together?" He teased further, reaching to clear a plastic tea cup from under the couch.

"Hey. We also listen to folk music, I'll have you know."

He frowned at her, trying to decide if she was actually serious. The impish grin that was tickling her lips told him otherwise.

They surveyed the room, having now cleared up all of the toys and put them in the toy box on the coffee table. Now, Barney stood awkwardly next to her, knowing that this was his cue to leave. He plainly and simply did not want to.

Going back home meant more night terrors. Being alone, being without his family, and being terrified for his life even though he's safe now (he knows, he has to keep knowing that he's safe now). He doesn't want another night of that living hell. It hurts too much to have to wake up screaming with nobody there to hear.

In Robin and Cara's apartment, it already feels like home. He's never seen this place before this week, but he knows. It's where he wants to be. The whole place has an essence of them. It's soothing him. It feels like nothing can get to him when he's here.

He looks apprehensively at her. She changed out of her green sweater and was sporting a cream cashmere one. She looked soft, but damnit, she wasn't his to touch.

"Can I stay?" He asked.

"The night?" She seemed startled, eyes bulging a little. She wasn't ready for that yet. Not at all.

"No. Just a bit longer. With you." He reached for her hand. It was tense, and she was looking at it with the fear that it might burst into flames.

"As friends?" she inquired.

"Yeah. Friends."

"I can do friends." She nodded. She gestured to the couch, where she sat down next to him. Neither were sure of what they were meant to do next. If they were meant to continue with a conversation, or put the tv on and watch something. Instead, they sat there in silence together. Robin edged closer to him.

"Barney?" Her little finger crept so it was just about to touch his.

"Mmm."

"I've missed tacos. I've really really missed tacos."

He leant himself against her. "Me too."


End file.
